Kate's Wish

In sickness and in health...

2012-02-08T14:53:00.000-05:00

I started feeling sick on Super Bowl Sunday and not just because the Patriots lost. I woke up in the night with violent diarrhea, vomiting, and chills which lasted until...well, about an hour ago. I haven't been able to look at food, much less cook for my family. I haven't been able to leave the bathroom, much less leave the house long enough to drive the kids to school. My DH has been pulling double duty with the AM routine, getting the kids off to school, and taking care of feeding them at night since I've been pretty much incapacitated...not fun for him as he already has a full plate with work but he's been a great nurse and helpmate. (The guy is a real mensch, I'll tell you!) My kids with abandonment issues are also feeling the stress of seeing me sick. I've answered several questions through the bathroom door that went like this:

Tanya: Mom, are you going to be OK?
Me: Yes, baby. I just have a virus, I feel awful right now but I'll be better soon.
Tanya: Mom, don't die, OK?
Me: No worries, sweetie...I'm not going to die...wretch, gasp, vomit
Tanya: Are you sure?
Me: Absolutely! Give me a minute and I'll help you with your homework.

Then there's Aniyar:
"Mom, I like the old house better because you never sick there. This house you always sick. I don't like you be sick"

Well, I guess 3 days seems like always to him. I know it's starting to feel pretty long to me, too.

And Madiyar, who kept popping through the door way of my bedroom last night, just checking on me, shaking his finger at me and sternly admonishing me to, "Get better, Mom!!!

And Kate who did her best to be a mini-me, helping Dad with dinner and other chores, fussing over me and offering me tea...

And even Max who gave me an awkward bear hug and told me it stinks that I'm sick.

It's Wednesday now and I think I can see the light at the end of the viral tunnel. I'm shaky, cold, and weak but at least I managed to crawl out of bed, shower and dress, and drive to the closest grocery store. When I got back home with the frozen chicken pot pie I'll be serving my family for dinner (gag, choke, I won't be eating it but at least I don't have to actually do food prep and risk infecting the rest of the family), I climbed back into bed and picked up my laptop to catch up on emails. Just then, my cell phone pinged, telling me I had a text message. Here's what it said:

Madiyar: Mom, are you feeling better?
Me: Yes, sweetie, I am feeling better, thanks. I even went grocery shopping. Don't get in trouble for using your phone at school! I luv u, Mom
Madiyar: OK, bye :-)

Awww...how sweet is all this? I may be sick...but I am so very lucky to be loved by these wonderful people who are my family. That's the best medicine of all.

Happy Rodent Day!

2012-02-02T10:58:00.004-05:00

My youngest came home yesterday from school and proudly told me that he learned something new. His teacher told him about an American holiday that would be celebrated on February 2. He asked if I was familiar with this strange tradition where an animal sees his shadow and predicts the weather.

"You know it, Mom? It's...how you call it??? Ahh, I remember now!! It's Beaver Day!"

My boy and his quirky memory can sure make me smile...but really, why should the groundhog have all the fun? Maybe it's time for a new weather-prognosticating rodent to have a turn. This guy is sleek, shiny, and ready for his close-up. Look out, Punxsutawney Phil!

Three years ago this week...

2012-01-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Craig and I brought home our two new sons from Kazakhstan. Here's what I had to say then:

Saturday, January 24, 2009
Home at last...

The past 48 hours are a blur...here's a synopsis of events.

Waited all day Thursday (1/22)with crossed fingers in Almaty to hear that the boys' passports had been flown to Ust and back and were finally correctly stamped so we could go home

Received the call from Oleg around 6:00pm that he was bringing the completed passports to us

Much screaming and cheering could be heard from 2 excited boys and their parents

Called kids in US around 6:15pm KZ time/7:15am US time to relay the good news

More screaming and cheering over Skype

Several hours of waiting to go to the airport at 1:30am

Madiyar asked at least 10 times how many more hours before we leave and proclaimed he wouldn't be able to sleep

Woke two sleepy boys to ride to the airport

Held our breath as the boys' passports and stamps were reviewed at passport control

Started breathing again once we were cleared for our flight

Waited for 2 hours to board our 4:10am flight

Madiyar asked at least 10 times how many more minutes until we would board

Dad spent the last of our tengee on over-priced airport candy

Boarded our flight and smiled as the wheels left the runway

Experienced much playing with tray tables, seatbelts, window shades, etc.

Eventually experienced much-needed sleep

Landed in Frankfurt at 5:20am for a 6 hour layover

Parents drank life-giving lattes while feeding the children M & M's, distributed Mom's stash of emergency Russian comic books, encouraged GameBoy playing, watched a movie until the computer battery died

Introduced our sons to the joys of playing on escalators and moving sidewalks, calling it exercise

Explored every inch of terminals A and B while trying to teach Aniyar to push a baggage cart without maiming someone

Visited several bathrooms, elevators, and more escalators and moving sidewalks

Instructed our children on the finer points of not pushing buttons or opening alarmed doors

Fed our kids their first McDonald's Happy Meals, including an ice cream sundae for Aniyar, a desperate attempt to bribe our way through the last part of our layover

Finally meandered to our gate at 11:00am

Responded to Madiyar's 20th request about how many more minutes until our 12:15 departure

Boarded our flight and walked through Business class to get to our cheap seats in Economy

Answered Madiyar's question as to why we didn't just sit in the nice big seats of Business class, dispelling his fantasy re: his new parents' vast wealth

Enjoyed Lufthansa's good service and food...for 8 long hours...with Craig seated 2 rows away from the rest of us

We travel back in time, chasing the sun across the sky and regaining a day in the process.

Gave Madiyar hourly updates on how many more hours until our arrival in Boston

After 6 hours, returned from bathroom to find the boys belting each other over rights to the window seat

Mom pulls darling boys apart and sits between them

Dad walks by on the way to the bathroom and wonders why Madiyar is now in the aisle seat and sulking

Mom reads and ignores sulking

Madiyar decides to stop sulking and asks how many more hours to Boston

Aniyar gets teary-eyed and asks why it's taking so long

Mom tells him stories about doggies who will give him kisses at home

Boys are distracted by the movie Wall-E and a snack for the last 2 hours of the flight; Mom is distracted by a small glass of purely medicinal cognac offered by the flight attendants.

Wheels touch down in Boston around 2pm on Friday, January 23 as new sons flagrantly attempt to flaunt seat belt rules while straining to see out the window.

Mom and Dad smile at each other across the rows as our new sons become US citizens when wheels touch US soil.

Mom tells boys they are now Americans

Aniyar asks if he can have a fishing pole now...he has seen Boston Harbor and wants to catch us some dinner

We proceed triumphantly off the plane and to passport control and immigration

No one throws a temper tantrum like Max did at this point in 2005

We go to the room where the boys' visas are entered into the computer system and they are welcomed to America officially as its' newest citizens

Everyone smiles and off we go into the main terminal by 3pm...over 5 years after we met the boys in this very spot, they've finally returned.

Our friend Deb picks us up and drives us home

We search the house for our kids but no one's home

Aniyar and Madiyar are greeted warmly by the dogs and new friendships are formed

Our kids arrive home from our friend Laura's house a few minutes later, screaming and yelling

Mom is assaulted by screaming children who knock her down with hugs

Other family members, new and old, are similarly and enthusiastically asssaulted

A maelstrom of greetings, showing the new kids around, opening overdue Christmas gifts, etc ensues

After an exhausting frenzy, various children engage themselves in movies in various languages, then videogames, then remote control vehicles

Around 6:00pm, Mom and Dad order take-out Chinese food since a home-cooked meal seems like an impossible dream.

By 6:30pm, we sit down to our first dinner as a family of 7...and we're all smiling.

Look at my guys (and sister Kate) now!

A Totally Wonderful Day

2012-01-24T23:08:00.001-05:00

It's a rare event but it happens...a day with mostly progress and a whole lot of good with all the kids. In this case, I also got the added bonus of a chunk of one on one time with two in particular.

Such fun, I spent the early hours with my oldest two who are in High School. They've been taking mid-terms so they've had time off from school after their tests. These guys are funny and sweet and very smart and when we can avoid the pitfalls of adolescent angst and mood swings, they are delightful company. Today was one of those occasions..it was lunch at the mall and non-stop entertainment as they teased each other, cracked jokes, and strolled through the stores arm in arm with me, their mom! At home, I got help with dinner prep, actual conversation with said teens about their lives (gasp!), and even an invitation to play a videogame with my son...whoa. 16 may be my new favorite age.

A simple truth about parenting kids with trauma...

2012-01-21T20:48:00.001-05:00

"On a good day, parenting will test the integrity of your character. On a bad day, parenting will test your will to live. Parenting children with trauma histories will cause you to test the integrity of everything and everyone you thought you knew, for the rest of your life."

J. Smith

My youngest is a year older...and how old is that?

2012-01-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

The birthday boy wanted to celebrate at home with family.

Of course, he wanted an ice cream cake.

He was pretty excited about these remote control helicopters, too.

His physical body turned 14 a few days ago...but due to his FASD, his mental/emotional age is quite a bit younger. Overall, my boy's age is sort of on a sliding scale between 8 and 14 years of age. He has faced many challenges in his young life and has many more ahead of him. In spite of all that, he is indisputably one of the sweetest, purest souls I have ever met.

When people hear of his struggles, they often shake their heads. They call us saints for adopting him, say how lucky he is to have us...but those people are so wrong. In spite of the struggles (the behaviors and rages related to his PTSD and FASD are real and awful and frustrating, no denying), we are the lucky ones. I am blessed to be his mom, to have his love...and to have earned his trust. Here are a few things about my boy:

He has a smile that lights up the world and he gives great hugs...to everyone.
In 3 years since joining our family, he has grown a foot; he's thrilled that he's finally tall enough to sit in the front seat of our van.
He says he wants to live with Mom and Dad forever and take care of us when we're old.
He still likes Scooby Doo cartoons...but he's also getting zits and peach fuzz on his upper lip.
He loves videogames, especially if he can shoot at things or blow them up...but he also would like a new Winnie the Pooh movie.
He loves animals, especially dogs.
He's terrified of zombies and totally believes in them. When I tell him that zombies aren't real, he pats my arm and tells me that when they come for us, he'll keep me safe.
He loves to wrestle, be a ninja, jump, run, play...and dance.
He's a gifted artist...when he draws at school, the other kids gather around and ask him for pictures.
He loves to snuggle and watch TV with his siblings, his parents, and our dogs.
He's popular with the 6th grade girls...and he's starting to figure out that he likes them, too.
He has a tender heart and is a fierce defender of his friends...which is how he got suspended from school for 2 days last week for fighting. Sigh...
He doesn't like school but has many friends there, both students and staff...and he's proud of his academic progress.
He can read on about the first grade level now...and that's a huge victory.
He says he wants a cell phone so he can text his friends; I told him to keep improving his reading and we'll talk.
He loves helping me in the kitchen, especially cutting up veggies for salads.
He hates doing his chore (taking out the compost bucket) because he's sure zombies are lurking in the yard, waiting to eat his brain.
It takes him a long time to master new skills...but once he learns a new skill, he does it perfectly.
He feels everything deeply...that means that his rages can be intense...but his joys are also intense...and these days, we see more joy than anger.
Of all of my kids, he is the one who is most willing to accept responsibility and apologize for his mistakes...and his apologies are sincere, never empty.
This child loves wholly, fiercely, and unreservedly. Here's where I'm blessed...because I'm loved by this boy.
This child doesn't trust easily because his early life has taught him that most adults weren't worthy of his trust. Again I am blessed...because I'm trusted by this boy.
And last but not least, he's generous. He asked me the other day how much wheelchairs cost. You see, he wants to start saving now for a nice one for my old age. Awww...how sweet is that?

Hope you enjoyed your birthday, my wonderful son! I'm so proud of you!!!
Love,
Your Lucky Mom

Our Christmas break in pictures...

2012-01-05T11:23:00.006-05:00

As promised, here are the pics of our recent revelry during the holidays. First, Christmas at home:

What the living room looked like before the kids got up on Christmas...

What the kids looked like before we turned them loose on the gifts...

Please note the Christmas PJ's matched to personality...

The frenzy began with stockings...

Then we moved onto bigger gifts...and I lost my camera in a sea of wrapping paper.


Found the camera in time to take this pic of our Christmas feast...prime rib...can you see that the roasting pan is empty?

We spent Craig's birthday and New Year's Eve at our place in the White Mountains of New Hampshire:

Max hates to have his picture taken, can you tell?

Dad opening his gifts...


Dad playing with his gifts.

For New Year's Eve, we took the party outside and built a little fire...

We toasted marshmallows, drank hot chocolate,

and played light-up frisbee..


.

And then we made smores!

We danced to music from Kate's cell phone...and the boys started a snowball throwing contest.


This is the victory dance...who's the man??? (And why isn't he wearing a coat?)

We watched the ball drop and drank bubbly stuff.

When it got too cold, we took the party back inside.

Don't let my boy's silly grin fool you...he was only drinking sparkling apple cider.

My Kate raises her glass...
As we ring in 2012, we offer a toast...from our family to yours.

Holiday hiatus

2012-01-01T19:58:00.000-05:00

As you can tell, I've been taking a break from blogging for the holidays. The abridged version of our festivities is as follows:

Christmas Day was awesome from the gifts (both material and spiritual) to the prime rib dinner. I especially gave thanks for the five teen angels who made a wrapping paper mess of the living room and squealed with delight at their presents (both given and received).

Christmas Week was filled with challenges and triumphs...more later on this...but the triumphs outweighed the challenges.

Dad's birthday (12/30) and New Year's Eve/Day were spent away from home. We headed to New Hampshire in search of snow fun for a few days...we've enjoyed:

sledding,
ice skating,
swimming in the pool,
snowball fights and fort-building

We even rang in the New Year outdoors with a fire pit just for us! It didn't feel cold as we:

sipped hot chocolate,
toasted marshmallows,
ate S'mores,
played light up frisbee,
threw snowballs

We stayed up late last night, banged pots and pans at midnight, and drank sparkling cider. Today we slept in, ate too much, broke our Screenless Sunday rules, hung out in the Recreation Center, and generally were lazy. It felt good. We'll head home tomorrow and I'll get around to posting pics and details of our adventures. In the meantime, I have to go referee a ping pong match between my kids...then I think we'll have the rest of those S'mores.

Happy New Year!

We're almost ready for Christmas!

2011-12-23T10:05:00.000-05:00

It's been busy around here but we're getting it done. There are sparkly lights on our porches and wreaths on our doors. Pans of cinnamon rolls, trays of cookies, and homemade hot chocolate spoons have been made and shared with teachers and friends. We've searched for and procured the perfect Christmas tree...Max found it this year and it's a beauty!

Isn't it lovely?

Trust me, Max is smiling with pride on the inside...really.

Two of my sassy elves, just part of the decorating team.

My faithful reindeer/elf is proud of our finished product.

As you can see, we've decorated said perfect tree and wrapped gifts started appearing under it...until our evil psycho greyhound started turning them into chew toys...grrr.

On the naughty list...

Gifts are now being placed on tables instead...and we've gated off the living room. We'll see if she can earn her dog treats from Santa or if it's coal in her stocking this year.

Kate's been busy wrapping gifts, both at home and for a fundraiser at a local mall. Doesn't she look professional?

My shopping is almost done, just a few little things left. The prime rib has been purchased for our Christmas feast and the rest of the dinner is planned and in the house. Unfortunately, I still haven't wrapped a single gift. Hmmm...Ohhh, Kate!!! Want to earn some cash?

2011-12-21T11:17:00.000-05:00

A few days ago, my friend Anne at Bringing Borya Home honored me with a "Most Versatile Blogger" award. I'm pretty excited about this because it comes from an awesome writer who I really respect...so thanks for the early Christmas surprise, my friend!

There are some strings attached to this gift (or would that be ribbons?). If you accept the award, you're honor bound to write a post listing 7 things about yourself, and then pass the award along to fifteen other bloggers. I know what you're thinking...sounds like a chain letter...trust me, this is much more fun.

So, here are 7 things that you might not have known about me...

I was born at home, right in my parents' bedroom...and the doctor made a house call for the occasion.

I am 1/16 native American; my great-great-grandfather was from the Mohawk tribe.

I love espresso but can't stand the taste of regular coffee.

I hate broccoli with a passion.

When I was in my teens and 20's, I swore I'd never have kids. (Ha!)*

After my first marriage ended in divorce, I was sure I'd never get married again. (Again, ha!)*

I used to drive a sexy little sports car and lived in a very tidy townhouse on a beach in Florida...alone.*

*Let me just add this..I wouldn't trade my kids, my husband, my Mom van or my messy life for the world these days.

Now for the 15 bloggers I'm tagging with this award. All of these talented folks are awesome writers who I read regularly:

Christine at Smiles and Trials
Kelly at Twist and Shout
Lisa at K is for Kindergarten
Lori at Five of My Own
Ree at Pioneer Woman
Stephanie at Nienie Dialogues
Courtney at C. Jane Enjoy It
Sari at Mommy Used to Be So Pretty
Kenny at Red Neck Peril
Susan at Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Reagan at Reagan's Blob
Tamara at American Girls in Moscow
Tina at Tina in Connecticut
Anne at Bringing Borya Home (I know you tagged me but I just had to tag you back!)

Congratulations and happy whatever holiday you celebrate to all of you!!

Peace on Earth

2011-12-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

Have to be grateful...the past few days have been remarkable. Maybe it's the Christmas tree smell in our living room from the 7 ft tall evergreen that has taken up residence there. Maybe it's just kids who are being extra good just in case Santa is watching. Maybe it's just my own improved mood as the holidays approach. Who knows or cares? I do know the following:

For two days straight, we have sung Christmas carols in the car on the way to school...and it's been fun.
Today I baked and bought treats...pans of cinnamon rolls as teacher gifts, a snowman cake, Russian candy to share with classmates...
I'm laughing a lot...and so are my kids
My kids are reminiscing about Christmases past and demanding that we stick to our traditions (What?? No Gingerbread house??)
I have an eerie Zen kind of peace about the things that normally drive me crazy.

Thanks, Santa...for the early gifts.

Another FASD victory

2011-12-10T20:11:00.003-05:00

I believe they can fly...

I have 2 kids with FASD, one with moderate to severe and one with mild impact. Both kids basically deal with the effects of irreversible brain damage due to actions taken by their birth mothers...and yes, they both know what they're dealing with, the hows and whys, and we talk openly about the hand they've been dealt through no fault of their own. Their issues notwithstanding, both are kids who own my heart and who amaze me each and every day with their sheer grit. to overcome their challenges. Take my girl, for example...

My younger daughter, though to a lesser degree than her brother, struggles with short term memory problems as well as executive functioning and impulse control issues...and for an adolescent girl, the impulse control issue in particular can be a problem. Sometimes my girl can be really blunt, even hurtful in her comments to peers. She has also been known in the past to adopt an in-your-face attitude when she feels she has been wronged. This has resulted in misunderstandings at school...and since teenage girls do love gossip, there's always a fair amount of drama anyway. In spite of this past history, our girl has been having a good year...no discipline events at school all year so far, no missed homework, an exemplary record that she's been very proud of. Sadly, that was all called into question recently...

Last weekend, our girl came to us and asked for help. She went to Craig first, and asked him to print out Facebook chat transcripts of a conversation with a classmate who accused her of threatening a girl at school via text messages and calling her a liar when she denied the claim. Next she brought the printed transcripts to me and asked me to take both her phone and the transcripts for her protection from the rumors that were flying. As if that weren't enough, she also asked me to take down her Facebook page. (OK, let me just mention that for a kid with FASD, this is huge; seeing the big picture, being able to predict where something is going and asking for help is pretty complex stuff.) I did just as she asked and praised her for her choices to stay out of the unfolding drama. Of course, that wasn't the end of the story...

A few days later, I got a message that the Dean of Students wanted to see me about our girl's supposed text threats. I went with my daughter, armed with phone records and Facebook chat printouts. I provided my girl's phone number and challenged the Dean to match the phone number that the texts in question came from with her number....and guess what? The numbers didn't match...someone was posing as my girl, signing her name and setting her up...and the texts continued long after my girl's phone was in my safekeeping anyway. That stinks...but my daughter handled herself with such maturity through the whole mess that it doesn't even matter.

My girl came to us for help and told us exactly what she needed. (Did I mention this is HUGE?).

My girl stood up for herself when her friends accused her falsely. (Did I mention this is HUGE for a kid with low self-esteem?)

My girl met with the Dean, made good eye contact, and told her story in a polite but assertive way. (Um...HUGE!!)

When she was vindicated, my girl didn't gloat...she just glowed quietly with pride and accepted the apologies from her peers with grace. (Also huge...but I could see how much she liked basking in the feeling of being RIGHT, being BELIEVED, being STRONG!)

So proud of my daughter and all the progress she has made...from a shy and frightened orphanage kid to a feisty young woman who can stand on her own two feet!! Here's the score in our house these days:

Home team--2 FASD--0

FASD gets pwnd

2011-12-09T11:20:00.000-05:00

This is my youngest boy...he's sweet, caring, and cute as can be. He loves climbing trees and will go to any height to pick a perfect apple for his mom. He loves being helpful, gives great hugs, and is unfailingly kind to animals and little children. He still likes being tucked in bed each night and never fails to tell me he loves me as he settles down to sleep. He has so many wonderful qualities that far outweigh his challenges...but his challenges are very real.

My boy lives every day with the effects of FASD (and that means the rest of us do, too.) He has short-term memory loss and poor impulse control. He struggles to learn even the most basic of concepts in school...and all too often, a skill he seems to have mastered one day often evaporates into thin air by the next. It breaks my heart to see this child try so hard...and yet at almost 14 years old, my boy still hasn't been able to learn to read. What kind of future lies ahead for my child without basic literacy skills? It's a question that has kept me up on more than one night...but it's the season of miracles, isn't it?

This week, my boy brought home a book from school. It was a very simple emergent reader book on the K-1st grade level. I sat with my son as I do most days and listened to him try to read...most of the time, this means I end up reading the book to him when his frustration level starts to go through the roof. This time was different.

This time, my boy read to me WITHOUT HELP.

This time my boy read the whole book BY HIMSELF.

This time, my boy used picture clues and sounded out words!

The next day, my boy was able to read another book aloud to me ALL BY HIMSELF.

And the next day, he did it again.

Did I mention that each time, I cried?

Then we laughed and high-fived each other...he's sooo proud of himself!

Sometimes, you just never know what will or won't work to help a kid with FASD learn. After months (or years) of little to no progress with concepts like time or money, something will finally flip a switch and a new skill will be acquired. We've seen that kind of growth in math but literacy has been very elusive.

So far, my boy seems to be retaining this new skill...and I still get teary eyed each time I hear him read to me. I have my fingers crossed that this is one gift my boy gets to keep. As my other kids would say to their brother:

Epic fail, FASD just got pwnd*!

*Pwn is a leetspeak slang term derived from the verb own,^[1]^[2]^[3] as meaning to appropriate or to conquer to gain ownership. The term implies domination or humiliation of a rival,^[4] used primarily in the Internet-based video game culture to taunt an opponent who has just been soundly defeated (e.g., "You just got pwned!").^[5]
^{(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pwn )}

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-25T15:20:00.000-05:00

What a lovely day! It started with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade while Craig and I cooked together, something we've always enjoyed. The kids wandered in and out when they were hungry but otherwise amused themselves with some form of electronic entertainment. This pretty much lasted until early afternoon when we started munching on appetizers that our best friends/next door neighbors brought over...and they also brought us this cute table decoration!

We seated 11 people at our early dinner and served enough food for twice that many! Our next door neighbors joined us and shared in the cooking. We had a true feast of both ham and turkey, white and sweet potatoes, dressing and cranberry orange relish, fruits and veggies. Dessert was 3 kinds of pie and a lemon tart...and Irish coffee for the adults.

The kids disappeared again once they were sufficiently stuffed and sugared up, returning to their various pursuits. For the boys, this included some kind of shoot 'em up computer game where they played in teams. For the girls, this included watching Christmas movies, cutting out paper snowflakes, and playing Christmas carols on the piano. Once the dishes were cleaned up, Craig and I watched "Miracle on 34th Street", our all time favorite holiday movie which never fails to fill us with the Christmas spirit. We all ended the day happy and grateful, not a single cross word spoken all day...now that's something to be thankful for!

Three years ago this Thanksgiving,..

2011-11-23T19:36:00.001-05:00

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Thanksgiving...and fear

We've been back from Kaz for 2 weeks now. If all had gone as we had hoped, we'd be on our way back for our anticipated Dec. 2 court date...but it didn't happen.

On November 20th, we were notified by our agency that our judge had decided that our adoption dossier was out of date and we needed to redo it. For many, this would have been the death knell of the adoption. Never mind all the updated docs that we had given to the judge in Kaz while we were there...she wanted the full dossier, 30+ docs, all approved by the Kaz Embassy. She gave us until Dec. 9 to accomplish the near impossible...assembling an adoption dossier generally takes 2-3 months, then another 2-3 months to get it approved at the Kaz embassy in Washington, DC. If we can meet her goal, then she says we can have a court date of either Dec. 17, 18, or 19. Sigh...I did a lot of whining and not sleeping for the first few days, then I kicked it into high gear and started assembling a dossier...for the fourth time. Our adoption friends have been a great help...our home study agency and social worker have moved the world for us to update our docs; our friend and personal notary even showed up at our house in her bathrobe late one night to notarize docs for us. Our international agency arranged for emergency translation services so that each document could be translated as I completed the notarization and apostille process, even over Thanksgiving weekend. People we don't even know have hand-carried docs for us from Kaz to the US which they will send to our agency tomorrow to complete our dossier...and yes, after I finished whining and complaining, I did manage to assemble a 25+ document dossier in a week's time. Craig and I sent it via Expressmail yesterday to our international agency. Our new docs and the updated docs that were returned to us from Kaz will be married up, checked for accuracy, and sent to the Kaz embassy this week. We have been told that the person who reviews dossiers there understands our special circumstances and will review our paperwork on an emergency basis. We can only hope...so what do we have to be thankful for? Oh. Just everything.

In the frenzy that existed this past week in our house, I was still able to see what we have to cherish...3 great kids who are frustrated by not being able to have Aniyar and Madiyar here with us...but who also are happy to have Mom and Dad home for Thanksgiving. We watched the Macy's Day parade, stuffed a turkey, made cranberry-orange relish, started our Christmas shopping, enjoyed Max making French Toast for the whole family's breakfast and Kate's Apple Crumb pie. I had the great joy of going to both the library and the Early Bird sales, sharing Family Movie Night and then reading with my kids before bed.

So much to be grateful for...but I just wish we had been a little closer to 2 other kids who wait for us on the other side of the planet...still waking in a cold sweat at 4am, afraid we'll fail after all of this. Dawn helps...keeping busy helps...and I'm no quitter. We'll play the hand we've been dealt and hope for the best. Tomorrow's goal...write to the boys, try to explain all of this and the new timetable...hmm...how the heck do I do that?

Fast forward 3 years...5 kids in our house...our traditional homemade borscht for dinner...no dossiers to revise, just lots of singing, cooking, and laughter. The most stressful thing we have planned is hitting the Black Friday sales. Words like "Thanksgiving" and "thankful" don't begin to cover it...but "miracle" does.

What will I say?

2011-11-17T00:04:00.002-05:00

This week, I'll go to a college class and talk about adoption just like I've done several times before over the years. In the past, I've talked about our travels to Kazakhstan, the struggles of the international adoption process, the transition and adjustment period that adopted kids go through, the issues older adopted kids face, etc...but now that I have a house full of 5 teens, what else could I possibly add?

Should I mention the son who is struggling mightily with hormones and a medication change at present? Should I mention that he has picked fights with sibs, screamed and sworn at us, and threatened to kill us all in our sleep this week?

Should I talk about my other son who put a hole in the wall out of frustration after an argument with the aforementioned son?

Should I talk about my daughter who is grounded after sneaking out of the house with her friend last week?

Should I mention that there's been a lot of singing and dancing around the kitchen, hugs, and laughter lately in spite of these other things?

Maybe I should talk about the dinner my oldest cooked for the whole family all (well, mostly) by herself...

Or the fact that my boys ratted out their sister for sneaking out of the house (and took pictures of her) because they were actually worried about her...

Or that two of my sons have already finished their Christmas shopping for their sibs because they just couldn't wait...

Or the way I've noticed my kids helping each other...when they're not trying to kill each other.

Maybe I should just talk about how building a family takes work...

And how building a family with traumatized children who have no reason to trust takes even more work...

And that teenagers are by definition difficult...and traumatized teens can be doubly so...

And yet...by some small miracle,

And against all odds...

In spite of different blood and different ethnicity and coming from opposite sides of the planet...

In spite of spending our days riding a roller coaster of trauma and hormones and teenage angst,

And dysfunctional though we may be...

We are a family.

My less bloggy life...

2011-11-11T08:04:00.001-05:00

Sign language interpreter symbol

For the past few years, I've blogged mostly about my kids....in fact, I started Kate's Wish when we were preparing to adopt our last 2 kids as a way of chronicling our journey as a family. Since 2007, I've been a stay at home Mom so many folks may not even be aware of my professional side. (To be honest, there have been times since I became a mother of 5 when I wondered if I even still had a professional side.) However, in the past year or so, as we've emerged from the adoption transition period and settled down in earnest to raise our teens...and as the tough economy and spiraling fuel and food costs have taken their toll on our checkbook...it's become clear that one income only stretches so far. That means Mom has returned to the workforce (well...it's not like I wasn't working, was it? I just wasn't being paid, now was I? But don't get me started...)

Anyway...I've been accepting freelance interpreting assignments for a few months now. See, I'm a nationally certified American sign language interpreter, have been for a few decades or so. That means I'm lucky enough to have a skill set that 's a bit unique and in demand so I'm getting offered quite a bit of work from referral agencies. I have the luxury of booking assignments that normally fits within the kids' school schedule...but working outside the home again means I have even more balls to keep in the air in my daily juggling act. How does this impact a typical day? Ahh, multi-tasking! It often looks something like this:

6:45am          Leap ~~cheerfully~~ out of bed to make breakfast for the cherubs (first cherub is already awake, showered, and dressed, thanks to Dad)
7:15am         Wake 4 remaining cherubs; feed, medicate, sign forms, pack lunches, prepare for day as needed
7:40am         Wave farewell to Cherub #1 as he boards the bus
7:45am         Shower & dress in appropriate attire for work, vainly attempting to avoid dog hair and food stains
8:00am         Drive remaining cherubs to school in the Mom van
8:10am         Scurry off to the interpreting assignment du jour (could be legal, medical, or mental health...or almost anything else...somewhere within a 40 mile radius)
9-9:30ish      Arrive at assignment somewhat harried after fighting Boston area gridlock; next 2 hrs are spent in an alternate universe where no one calls me Mom...I am in fact often addressed as Madame Interpreter...fancy that! )
11-11:30ish Leave assignment; begin calculating total earnings...roughly $130 for 2 hrs work.
12:00noon    Stop at grocery store; spend $100 on food
12:30pm       Stop at gas station; spend $50 for fuel for the Mom van
1:30ish    Arrive home
   Put away groceries
                     Begin dinner prep
                     Start laundry
                     Clean house
                     Long for a nap...vain hope!
                     Answer a zillion emails, text messages, voicemails
   Check calendar, book work, do billing
                     Confirm dental, medical, and therapy appts for cherubs
                     Write blog post (Ha!!!! Another vain hope...)
3:00pm          First cherub arrives home from school; Mom's snack wagon and homework help center opens
4:00pm          Mom van collects remaining 4 cherubs from school...unless someone an after school activity
4:15pm          Mom's snack wagon and homework help center continues to provide service
5:00pm          Mom van returns to school to pick up stragglers
5-6ish            Trips to library, driving practice, and assorted other errands take place;
                      Chores are completed by happy cherubs under Mom's watchful eye
6:15ish           Dinner is served at an actual dinner table without screens and with family dinner conversation
                      (Translation: no one gets excused until they share about their day...so help me God!)
6:45pm          Mom's snack wagon and homework center begins evening shift as dinner dishes are cleared
8:00pm          All screens go dark...cherubs get ready for bed/prepare for next day
8:30pm          First cherub goes to bed, others begin shower rotation, beg for extended bedtimes, etc.
9:30pm          Only the 16 year olds remain standing; Dad is already asleep...

10-10:30ish    Big kids wander off to bed
10:30ish         Mom is now alone to fold laundry, make lists, check calendar for next day
                     Answer a zillion emails, text messages, voicemails
   Fill out field trip forms, medical forms, school activity forms, etc.
11:30ish    Mom downloads photos to computer, starts to write witty blog entry complete with pics
11:45ish        Mom falls asleep at computer keyboard (Oops...another day with no blog entry!)

Sorry, faithful readers...I'll try to do better...really.

Happy Halloween from Witch City

2011-10-31T12:44:00.002-04:00

I stumbled on a YouTube video I just had to share in honor of my boys who love the idea of zombies, monsters, and scaring others...and my girls who are heavily into romantic encounters with werewolves and vampires but don't love being scared.

Just remember, boys…it’s Halloween. It’s Witch Ciity. Teenage boys smell quite tasty to zombie girls.

And girls…bring me home a heart.

Mommy will be waiting for you all...mwahahaha

Snow in October?

2011-10-30T11:15:00.003-04:00

I'm so not ready for this...

but like it or not, we have snow. It's enough to cover the ground, bring out the ice scrapers, and send the kids in search of their winter gear. At least we don't live in Central Massachusetts where some places got 2 ft.!

It started last night, covering our cars and coating the flowers still in our window boxes...

Before long, pretty much everything was white. My crazy oldest son ran outside in his bare feet to gather up the first snow of the season...he brought it to me as a gift...crazy but kinda sweet if you ask me.

Time to go shopping for snow boots...sigh.

Screenless Sunday...What to do when Mean Mom bans the electronics and the kids are sooo booored!

2011-10-20T10:29:00.001-04:00

When some of the trees look like this in New England,

we hit the local farm and climb a different kind of tree in search of...

tasty treats that look like this.

We spent 2.5 hours of our Sunday afternoon at Brooksby Farm under sunny skies in the crisp autumn air. For all that time, no one whined or complained about being bored. Instead, the kids ran through the orchard, scampered up tree trunks, hung from branches like monkeys, and did back flips off the limbs with their apples. Dad and Mom stayed mostly on the ground and dutifully filled the bags to bursting with Jonagolds and Cortlands, Granny Smiths and Golden Russets. (We also overlooked the extra few apples consumed by our little daredevils when they thought we weren't looking!)

A couple of my kids told stories of apple picking in Kazakhstan orphanage-kid-style...finding an apple tree and shaking it until a hail of fruit came down on them, then being chased by the owner of said tree when they were caught stealing his fruit. Aniyar remembered the hay ride we took at the apple orchard last year and the cider donuts we shared there. Then Tanya reminded me of the first time we took her apple picking. She was only 6 years old and tired easily; she remembers that we carried her on our backs a lot that day...and she lost a tooth biting into an apple.

Can you believe these girls are now 14 and 16?

The cost for this family bonding activity:

$7.00 per bag for 2 bags of apples picked = $14.00

It's true that I could have bought these same apples from the same farm at my local grocery for:

$4.99 per bag for 2 bags bought within 3 blocks of my house = $9.98

An afternoon together with 5 teens laughing, having fun, sharing and making memories = priceless.

Life with teens...a force of nature to be reckoned with

2011-10-13T15:46:00.002-04:00

For the past few months, we've had nothing but stormy weather around here. Oh, yes, the sun came out and we had meteorological summer...but emotionally, it's been pretty much non-stop hurricane season for some of us. The some of us in question are primarily one of my kids and me, though the rest of the family has been buffeted by the gale force winds pouring off said child and myself.

Can't speak for the kid, so I'll just summarize my perspective on recent times. I've been struggling. I've found it difficult to sleep. I've been cranky even on my good days. There's been little peace in my heart or contentment in my soul. I've been witchy, snarky, and intolerant. With my kids and all their issues, the stormy me just doesn't serve them as effective parenting. I have to admit, I haven't felt like a very good mom in the past few months, not to the hurricane child or to my others who were caught in the storm surge on more than one occasion.

My child and I didn't get into this mess over night. It's been brewing for a few months. It started like a small squall, just a few fibs or breaking a few house rules here and there. It grew into a nasty tropical storm of lies, deception, surliness, and disrespect that was fed by miscommunication and fear on both sides. A painful breach of trust occurred that left us both shaken to the core and reeling under Category 3 winds. As a result, an emotional distance has developed between my child and me, placing us on opposite sides of the raging storm.. Attempts to find our way into the peaceful eye of the now Cat 4 hurricane have been made by both of us; all have failed one way or another, bringing me back to feeling lost and miserable. (I suspect I'm not the only one who has felt this way...but the child in question would rather die than admit it, I'm quite sure.)

For my child's privacy, I won't mention what set this storm abrewin'...it's enough to say that it could have been a deal breaker for either of us. It could have been the thing that undermined all the trust we've built. It could have been the thing that broke the bond we've forged. For me, it has certainly been at least a heart breaker that's been hard to let go of. I've been simultaneously obsessed and distracted by the struggle to right our off kilter world. I've been hoping for a change in the weather but couldn't figure out how to effect that change.

Well, this past weekend, our family went to the White Mountains of NH. While there, under peaceful skies and surrounded by Autumn's colors, I tired of living in a storm. I decided it was time to try to change the weather. I put on my big girl panties and my rain galoshes and swallowed my pride, my fear, and my anger.

I took my child out for a ride, just the two of us. I spoke my heart. I listened to what my child's heart had to say in return.

No one shouted.
No one rolled their eyes.
No one was deceitful or disrespectful.
No one sat in judgement.
I asked my child to forgive me my mistakes and I offered my forgiveness as well.
I asked for a return to the relationship that was based on honesty and kindness and mutual respect.
I told my child this:

I will always love you, even in the middle of an angry storm
I will always be your mom, like it or not
For me, there are no deal breakers to either my love or my role as mom.
I miss your hugs.

My child told me a few things, too...but that's not my story to tell.

Hugs resumed...

And just like that, the rain stopped.

A rare perfect day...

2011-09-30T11:52:00.005-04:00

Unless you're raising kids in Stepford, CT, nothing is perfect and parenting is never easy. No matter the age of your kids, there are always challenges, whether it's the Terrible Twos or the teenage years. Each day brings some new ~~crisis~~ adventure to be experienced. Many of these adventures in parenting result in Mommy or Daddy clutching her/his head and reaching for the Excedrin bottle. It's to be expected in any family and it's a given in our family...we do have 5 teens, after all. (I know, I know....what were we thinking when we chose to adopt 4 kids who were all roughly within 2 years of each other and our bio child in age??? Did we not realize that they would all become teens at the same time??? Couldn't we foresee the Hormone Hell we were heading for??? Logic clearly didn't enter into our reasoning. Funny thing, emotion...it leads you to do some pretty ~~crazy~~ amazing things.) Anyway, the days are often long and fraught with drama in our house...but just once in a while, we get lucky.

Yesterday was darn near perfect. Here's why:

The morning routine and school day went smoothly

No one got their panties in a twist, sulked, or misplaced their homework folder
Everyone got to school on time
No one forgot their lunch, binder, or any other item which would necessitate Mom making another trip to school
Everyone had a good day in the pursuit of learning

On the van ride home from school, everyone was in a good mood (a minor miracle)

There was laughter and good-natured teasing, no hurt feelings or unkind comments

No one got into an argument (another minor miracle)
Everyone did their chores and homework without complaint (Ummm...who are these kids?)
We had actual dinner conversation, complete with stories of everyone's day, jokes, and laughter

At one point, Craig and I just looked at each other and smiled, basking in this rare moment of familial bliss
Our kids were being loud and funny and fun to be with at the dinner table
No one was asking to be excused 2 minutes into the meal to return to a videogame or a TV screen
Successful family bonding time...check!

The rest of the evening continued the same way...

Kindness was exhibited between sibs
No one got their panties into a twist about a single thing (This was when I started thinking about Stepford kids...)
No one argued about bedtime, screen limits, or showers (OK, there was a little grumbling about the last item...but only token resistance from one cherub so I'm calling it a victory.)

I actually got to watch TV with my big kids, another rare treat

All homework was done early and all the chores, too.
The younger kids were in bed ON TIME!!
My 16 year olds watched a couple of episodes of Vampire Diaries on DVD

No one bickered or argued
No one hogged the remote
I thoroughly enjoyed their company
They went to bed without argument around 10:30...

I got to watch TV all by myself after that (Now that's an unusual occurrence!)
I went to sleep smiling and counting my lucky stars...all 5 of them.

While I'd love to have times like this every day, I don't have any illusions. My kids are human and so are their parents...none of us are Stepford models of perfection. It may be a while until we get another near idyllic stretch of harmony around here. My goal is to store up this positive energy and draw on it the next time life in Hormone Hell gets a bit crazy...it's either that or move to a strange little town in Connecticut.

Madiyar is 16!

2011-09-23T11:45:00.000-04:00

Shudder....another 16 year old in the house. Yet another one old enough to prepare for his driving permit test, think he's all grown up, be fresh and sassy, and push the edge of the envelope at times. More valium, please...

We celebrated with Chinese takeout for dinner, then Pioneer Woman's chocolate sheet cake decorated with Skittles at the birthday boy's request

As for gifts, well...we couldn't resist having a bit of fun. He's quite the comedian, our oldest boy...fond of telling tall tales to see if he can get away with fooling us...so his dad decided to return the favor on his birthday. Craig told him that we knew he'd really like a car for his 16th birthday but we thought he really deserved more than just a stinkin' car. We decided he needed wheels and wings!

Envision hopeful, excited expression at the mention of a car...even more hopeful, excited expression at the mention of more and wheels!

Envision puzzled and then suspicious expression upon hearing mention of wings...

The wheels in question were in the form of a really cool skateboard. The wings were in the form of a remote control fighter plane.

Envision rueful grin when he realized he'd been had.

Oh, don't worry about him...he actually has been begging for a pintail longboard for months and was also drooling over the planes so he wasn't really disappointed.

M with his wings and wheels

First test drive on new wheels...no learner's permit required.

The rest of his big gift includes wheels, too...Madiyar and Craig are headed to Loudon tomorrow for a full day of NASCAR car and truck races at NH Motor Speedway.. Father/son bonding at its best...fast cars, risk-taking behavior, testosterone, noise, and junk food. Could it get any better?

Happy 16th. to our Mad Dog! We hope you had fun....

It's been a while...

2011-09-21T23:03:00.003-04:00

So which should I go with when I get me to a nunnery? The traditional Carmelite habit or the modern tunic?

A long time has passed since my last post, about two weeks. There's been plenty to write about...another birthday, the ups and downs of parenting teens with special needs, autumn's arrival in New England, the wonderful picnic we attended with other adoptive families last weekend, etc. I have dutifully taken pictures and thought about my posts but somehow, the muse hasn't been with me. Why, you ask? Well, I'm in a funk...or beset by demons...or both.

Between increased homework responsibilities, my role as in-home therapist and mediator of all disputes (someone's always got their panties in a twist around here about something), school/home special education liaison, and my schedule as chauffeur for soccer season, medical appointments, social engagements and more, I'm busy.

I've also started accepting more freelance interpreting work to ease our financial situation. (Five kids can really eat and always need new clothes; then there's the approach of the holidays...and college.) My brain is pretty well fried after a full day of interpreting and yet the fam still needs dinner when I get home...but it's not only the cooking that makes it tough.

There's the daily stress and conflict of living with 5 teens who are obviously much smarter that the adults in the house. Lately we've been dealing with significant testing of family rules and limits by one of our kids, medication changes and behavioral challenges with another, and the onset of puberty with a vengeance that is really causing emotional upset with yet another. There's been more yelling and door slamming than usual even for us. Sometimes, it feels like we live in the middle of a hormonal hurricane.

For good or ill, I am often the lightening rod in these storms; I hate conflict and wish I could avoid these battles...but parenting requires intervention and I'm usually the dispenser of justice around here. When wrongs need to be righted, some applicant or another will appear at my side, asking to be heard in the Court of Mom (COM). (You know, I'm not making this up...just the other day, I overheard Kate warning one of her sibs that she was going to petition the COM if they didn't stop disturbing her while she was doing her homework. Exact words, no lie...) One can also be summoned into the COM for lying, breaking house rules, abusing privileges, etc. Not surprisingly, the summoned party is rarely happy to be found in front of the court. In fact, the summoned party is often surly, defensive, and at times downright verbally abusive to the bench.

I don't like feeling like the bad guy; I don't like being told that my kid hates me. I don't like being sworn at. It hurts.

I feel stretched to the limit and beyond. I'm quick to anger, short of patience, in need of respite. There's none in sight.

Sometimes I want to run away and join a nice, quiet convent (hence the pic at the beginning of this post)...so far, I've settled for going for a loooong walk instead.

I also feel like I've lost a bit of my soul (or is it just my self?) somewhere along the way...but that's probably another story.

I'm so tired.

Fall is here and the last kid has returned to school...

2011-09-07T15:37:00.000-04:00

Handsome, isn't he?

Also pretty handsome about now...

It finally happened; the bus appeared at our door and transported my youngest to his first day of 6th grade. After what seems like the longest summer on record, all 5 of the cherubs are back to school. Aniyar started Middle School today, two weeks after his siblings returned to their Charter School. Wish my youngest could be with the others since we dearly love our Salem Academy Charter School but his special needs and educational delays are just too great for that setting.

Instead, he'll be in a SPED self-contained classroom in the local school district's middle school which will hopefully address his learning challenges, memory issues, and emotional and behavioral needs related to his FASD. Not sure how it will go...Aniyar doesn't handle change well and he's been stressing about going to a new school.Can't blame him...I'm stressing about it, too. We're braced for some regression and acting out and have put supports in place to hopefully ease his transition. I've met with his teacher, the counselor, the principal, and everyone else I can think of to review his needs. I've also let everyone know I intend to be an involved parent who will advocate for her child. (This is polite code for pain-in-the-butt parent who uses the phone, email, IEP meetings, and foot-stomping as needed to get services for her kid .) Just call me Mama Bear.

Aniyar and I visited his new classroom last week and he's met everyone as well. He will have a one-on-one aide to help him, someone to escort him from the bus to his classroom and back, and tons of academic support. I've gotten him as much support as I could and I hope it goes well...I have my fingers crossed. Could the rest of you please cross your fingers and say a prayer for us, too?

I expect challenges. I expect crabby moods and resistance to homework. I expect lots of complaints about school and unhappiness about earlier bedtimes. In fact, I've already gotten a call from the school counselor about his first meltdown ....but at least he resolved his anger quickly and it ended on a positive note. We're moving forward...and I'm feeling a bit more prepared to cope.

For the past several hours, there's been a blissful silence under our roof. It's raining softly and the air is cool, whispering of autumn's approach; I've spent the day puttering around the house. I made a huge pot of soup and an even bigger pot of plov (a Russian meat and rice pilaf that my kids love) to warm my loved ones' bellies tonight. I hummed to myself as I picked tomatoes from our garden. I've cleaned, done laundry, made phone calls and set up appointments for the doctor, the dentist, the hairdresser. In short, I've been productive, had a break from the cherubs, and even a bit of rest.

Have I mentioned that I love Fall?

Warning....stay off the roads!

2011-09-01T10:42:00.003-04:00

It happened...we went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles on Tuesday. Kate took her test and emerged victorious. We now have an officially sanctioned driver in training in our family. I'm thinking of ordering her this button to wear:

Maybe I should have it made into a magnetic sign for my van? Aww, I'm just kidding, honey...we're so proud of you!

PTSD and Hypervigilence

2011-08-30T14:43:00.002-04:00

My youngest is a wonderful helper; he loves doing anything he can to ease my burden. He will dash down to the basement to get me a fresh roll of paper towels when we run out in the kitchen. He will jump to mop up a spill if I slosh water out of a pan. Most of this is cute and endearing...but some of it is scary. For example, the other day he decided to help me drive the car...and he tried to grab the steering wheel WHILE I WAS DRIVING IN TRAFFIC. Not so helpful.

He also likes to be a mini-parent. He scolds the other kids when they forget to close doors, put their dishes in the dishwasher, or pick up their dirty clothes. He shakes his head worriedly like a little old man and tells me how his brother makes unsafe choices or his sister didn't watch the dogs carefully enough when they took them for a walk. Each day, I tell him that my job is to be the mom and his job is to be the kid...but he has a hard time believing that.

He worries about almost everything from houseflies ("They eat poop and put poop on your food, Mom!") to zombies ("They real, Mom, and they gonna eat my brain!") He also worries about sickness or injury...if I cough, he gets me a glass of water and wonders if I'm dying of cancer; if I trip, he worries that I've broken a bone. When he's in the car, he worries about accidents ("That car too close, Mom, he gonna hit us and we gonna explode! Watch out!!!") and bad guys ("That man a bad man, Mom...he gonna shoot us and steal our money."). He is terrified of the gas stove and tries to turn the burners off if I have a pot simmering, telling me that I'm probably going to burn the house down. Same deal with the oven...it's tough to get a roast cooked or a cake baked when my boy is home. He lives his life in a state of constant red alert.

Sometimes my little guy's hypervigilence drives me a bit batty. Well, OK, in the interest of full disclosure, I'll admit that at the moment, it's driving me totally insane!!! This is in large part because he is the only one of my 5 kids who hasn't gone back to school yet so we're spending waaay too many hours together. He loves the one on one time and it's been fun for me, too...except we've had a week now as best buds, him in my hip pocket, shadowing my every move, following me everywhere, sitting outside the door even when I'm in the bathroom...sigh. I'll also admit that when his yellow bus shows up next week, I'll breathe a sigh of relief for that 6 hour a day break his school schedule affords me....6 hours in which to regain my sunny disposition, relocate my patience, and actually get dinner cooked.

Well, I guess some hypervigilence and separation anxiety is to be expected with a little kid, right??? Yes, of course...but my youngest is 13 years old. Between his Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, and his other emotional challenges, he functions at a much younger age than is on his birth certificate. Given his early history of trauma and abuse, it's no wonder he's hypervigilent, either. He has good reason to fear the world and much of what's in it, to see danger in the everyday course of events....and as batty as it makes me sometimes, I do see something positive in his constant worry about me, his Mom, and all of us, his new family. Even though he joined our family through adoption at age 11, he is able to love us...he frets for us...he doesn't fear us...he feels a bond...and he values that bond. My boy has come so far...so there's hope for tomorrow. I think I'll go out and buy some teal ribbon.

Thanks to Think Positive, Live Well, http://jacksanfernandes.com/ for this badge.

Let her eat cake!

2011-08-27T10:36:00.001-04:00

Kate requested a special cake for her sweet 16 birthday dinner...she loves watching "Ace of Cakes" on Food Network and had her heart set on something fancy, covered in fondant, and two-tiered. Since my baking skills are limited to boxed cake mixes and canned frosting, I set out to order the creation from a local bakery. When I saw the prices for even a small cake ($50-75 and up!), I decided to reinvent myself as a pastry chef overnight and bake it myself. I watched videos on YouTube about crumb coating, made a trip to Michael's for rolled fondant and other supplies, and started making a mess of my kitchen. It took most of the day but here's the result...far from perfect and Duff Goldman won't be feeling threatened, but it pleased our girl.

Purple, black and white...it matched her balloons and her dress!

Try to ignore the wrinkles in the fondant and just admire the pretty black and white sugar paper design instead.

Two tiers, fondant, fancy and girly...as requested.

The candles worked just fine!

Next birthday up...Madiyar in 3 weeks. I'm hoping he'd like a pan of brownies.

54 hours and 45 minutes is a long time...

2011-08-26T16:47:00.004-04:00

August 26, 1995

That's how long I was in labor with my first born. Even the obstetrician said it was a doozy of a labor and delivery...but Kate finally arrived with the help of vacuum extraction at 8:14am on August 26, 1995. We noted her big feet, her cute little elf ear, and I called my mom to tell her she had a granddaughter. She fit in one arm...but now she's taller than me.

She's 16 today...old enough to get her learner's permit to start driving, old enough to be a junior in High school, old enough to be talking about college applications. How time flies....

August 26, 2011...what a difference...still has big feet, though...grin

Happy birthday, KT! You're worth every second of those hours in labor...and all the other ones since!

First day of school for 4 out of 5!

2011-08-25T22:28:00.000-04:00

It's here...we're back to early bedtimes, signing course syllabi, field trip forms...back to homework, structure, and schedules. Only my youngest is still home with me. He starts school after Labor Day...so for now, we're hanging out while the big kids are in session. Don't they look happy to be back in the swing of things? Well, maybe not Max...but the others are. Works for me...

IRS Adoption Credit Update...finally!

2011-08-17T09:44:00.001-04:00

Well, it finally happened...

after 4 months of waiting
after three rounds of letters from the IRS but without being able to talk with a single live person for guidance
after many hours of digging through financial records from 2008 and 2009
after contacting our adoption agencies for copies of receipts for adoption expenses for our two sons
After providing translations of adoption documents from Russian to English
After calculating conversions from KZ tengee to US dollars for our living and travel expenses in Kazakhstan for the 3 trips we made between October, 2008 until our adoption was finalized in January, 2009...

On August 12, 2011, the Department of the Treasury deposited $16,000 and change into our checking account. To their credit, it was every penny of what our refund was supposed to be...no interest, of course...or penalties for being late. I bet if we were the ones stalling on our owed taxes, the IRS wouldn't have hesitated to sock us with both interest and penalties...but I'm so relieved to get this audit behind us that I'll just climb down off my soap box and let it go now...except for a few personal observations about how this audit has affected us as a family.

It's been a lean summer here. Craig and I were worried about what would happen if our refund was disallowed so we've been trying to limit our spending. The kids are getting used to hearing us say, "No, we can't go to the movies this weekend, money is a little tight right now." and "No, we can't order takeout Chinese tonight because it costs too much for our family of 7...let's learn to make Chinese at home instead!" and I don't think learning the realities of living on a budget has been such a bad thing for our kids who normally don't want for much. I won't pretend that it's been fun for any of us, especially for Mom and Dad who have been stressing more and more as the months dragged on, wondering if we'd ever see our refund. (Have I mentioned that it's OUR freaking money the IRS was holding all these months???) Even with our austerity measures, there are bills waiting to be paid, home repairs that need to be made, kids to feed, and school clothes to buy.

I feel like we've been holding our breath all summer; I have to admit I've been feeling the stress. I've felt angry, worried, and frustrated far more often than I have liked and it's been hard to relax and enjoy the summer with this hanging fire. We returned reluctantly from our NH trip prepared to sigh and cry over our bills once more...but when Craig checked our bank balance and discovered the direct deposit from IRS, we were finally able to breathe again.

I suspect we're not alone....every family in the country who applied for an adoption tax credit was audited this year. Wonder how much money Uncle Sam made in interest on our money nationwide? How much money they kept because not everyone was able to produce documentation? How much....

Oops, sorry....climbing off my soapbox. Assuming lotus position, practicing Zen breathing, reciting Serenity Prayer...ommmmmm.

Our trip to NH....in pictures

2011-08-16T10:00:00.003-04:00

I liked relaxing with my feet in the water...and hiking with my DH.

Dad liked grilling brats, dogs, and chicken sausage over charcoal on a beautiful summer evening.

The kids liked eating everything...

especially the smores!

On Saturday, we went to Clark's Trading Post to visit the Wolfman.

Aniyar enjoyed the shows...

he wants to try this fire twirling trick that the Chineses acrobats did...I think not...

and he liked that the bears get trained with ice cream.

Bumper boats are always fun.

Even Max had to admit that he wasn't bored any more.

The girls and Dad liked squirting Max from these water cannons!

In the end, they were all soaked but smiling.

It rained on Sunday but that didn't stop us. The kids still went swimming (no lightning and they were wet anyway, so why not?) The showers didn't stop us from grilling either; we used the covered picnic area and gas grill near the lake for a feast of BBQ chicken, burgers, baked beans, watermelon,and more smores.

Some uninvited guests joined us for dinner

so we fed them, too.

The kids enjoyed the lake all weekend long.

The swimming was perfect and they made new friends.

Aniyar liked the fishing, too.

He caught a whopper with bread and his net.

Kate liked boating...she and I rowed out to the shark together...

but mostly, I liked sitting on the shore taking pictures of all the fun!

One last summer adventure...

2011-08-11T08:14:00.003-04:00

Craig and I have been keeping secrets from our bored and witchy children. Just when they thought there was no more fun to be had under the summer sun, just when they had despaired that the start of school was the only new event on the horizon, we've hatched a plan to leave town, running away to one of our favorite places on earth. We told the kids last night...and by tomorrow afternoon, we'll be here:

North Woodstock, NH...our mountain retreat

Can't wait to see the kids out there on the blue float, spending hours perfecting their jumps and dives into the lake. See the white spot in the far upper left of the top picture? That's a huge rock painted to look like a shark coming out of the water...Tanya swears she's going to swim all the way out to it. Kate plans to row our inflatable boat around the lake while Dad and I will probably do some kayaking. Aniyar and Max like to stay in the shallows near the beach to catch fish and crawdads.

Gotta love the bear cubs!

And that's not all we have planned!

I scored discount tickets to Clark's Trading Post on Groupon a few months back so we'll also be visiting the bears and riding the train into Wolfman's territory, then soaking each other on the blaster boats.

I gave the kids their allowance last night so they have spending money to burn on snacks and souvenirs...life is good. For the next several days, boredom shouldn't be a problem for any of us.

Blaster boats at Clark's

I can feel my muscles relaxing as I think of the mountain air...

Wanted...

2011-08-09T18:54:00.000-04:00

An all points bulletin has been issued across the New England and Mid-Atlantic states

by family members who seek the return of this runaway man-child.

Last seen headed to Pennsylvania in a car full of desperados...including his partner in crime pictured here.

Known to be armed and dangerous with a soccer ball...has a mean rainbow kick

Sometimes uses the alias "Mad Dog"...AKA "Pouty Prince" when he's in a mood. At almost 16, he's been known to have an attitude on occasion; there are also rumors that he can occasionally push his parents' buttons. Has also been known to lead family members around on a leash.

In spite of all that, he is missed. If found, please send him home...

Is it autumn yet?

2011-08-08T15:19:00.003-04:00

Summer used to be one of my favorite seasons, especially here in New England. I love the sunny days with still coolish nights. I love having a garden, harvesting and enjoying our own fresh veggies. I love buying sweet summer corn from our favorite farmstand and other goodies from the local farmer's market. I like grilling steak tips and burgers, being able to sit outside on the porch with my iced latte (AM) or a frozen margarita (PM), both prepared perfectly by my DH. I love walks in the park and trips to the beach with the kids, no homework to monitor, more flexible bedtimes, lots of downtime and less of a set routine...at least for a while...but it is possible to have too much of a good thing.

All of this free time with the cherubs is just fine and dandy until around August when boredom starts to set in. That's when the summer idyll begins to turn ugly and nothing is as much fun as it used to be. The daily trips to the community pool are no longer fun, they are boring. The video games that were so exciting last week are now lame. There isn't a single movie on Netflix that is worth watching unless it's R rated...and stick-in-the-mud-Mom refuses to allow any of those cool R rated flicks to be viewed by anyone in the house who is below age 17 (and that would be all 5 of the kids in question). Even the summer movies that were just released to the theaters don't relieve the ennui of our teens...not to mention that tickets and snacks for 5 cost a small fortune, so fun-sucking mom doesn't agree to movies at the mall very often anyway. Trips to the beach that were wildly anticipated last spring now garner complaints that the ocean smells like fish and cannot be tolerated. Trips to Roller Palace that were previously begged for now only hold interest for an hour before the cherubs are bored and want to be chauffeured home again. Bickering between siblings is constant, whining and tattling fills the air like the drone of summer insects, and the words

"I'm bored...there's nothing to do!"

are uttered at least 100 times per day per child. Parental suggestions to go bike riding, skateboarding, scootering, etc. to relieve said boredom are met with anguished cries of

"It's too hot!!!!"

or

"(Insert name of sibling) broke my bike/skateboard/scooter and now I can't ride it!!!"
Parental suggestions to get busy on that assigned summer reading have been made and were met with more whining and wailing. Ah, summer...I'm ready to bid you goodbye, to trade in your sweet charms for the wonders of autumn...which include the beautiful sight of a shiny yellow school bus arriving at our door.
Our charter school starts in just 2 weeks...and not a moment too soon. Autumn in New England? My new favorite season.

More kids from Kazakhstan

2011-07-31T21:31:00.003-04:00

The Hausermans

Today we were visited by Mark and Andrea Hauserman from Ohio; we first met the Hausermans in 2004. They were in Ust-Kamenogorsk adopting a sibling pair at the same time we were adopting Tanya. Their two were also Kidsave kids who they had hosted the summer before so we had a lot in common. While in Ust, we all had bonding visits together each day with our kids in the orphanage gym/playroom. The kids hung out with us, playing and snacking their way through each 2 hour visit...this picture shows our Tanya having a juice box while Andrea plays with her two kids, Ivan and Sveta.

Fast forward 8 years and these kids who were then between age 6-8 are now all teenagers. It was like a mini Children's Home reunion with 6 KZ kids in our house, all from the same orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk. While the adults chatted and grilled hot dogs and burgers, the kids spent time looking at pictures and talking about their memories. It was a lovely visit with old friends but the best part of all was seeing how far these kids have come! All suffer from a history of trauma and most of them have special needs of one kind or another...but they're healthy and strong, happy and bonded, safe and loved. They have a home and a family...something none of them had in KZ. I believe that single factor makes all the difference...who could deny that a family trumps an institution as the preferred place to raise a child? Well, it depends on who you talk to.

Kazakhstan is closed for international adoption now for various political reasons. No children are being adopted internationally from KZ currently; only a small percentage of kids in KZ orphanages are adopted domestically...so that means when a child enters the orphanage system, they are probably there to stay. It's not up to me to judge whether the decision to close international adoptions is good or bad...the Kazakh people clearly cherish their children and view them as the future. I know that many government officials feel that international adoption takes their youth away from their homeland, never to return. I get that, I really do...and yet...where would these 6 kids be if they were still in KZ?

Two of them would be aging out of the system as adults at age 16; the other 4 would have 2-3 more years in the boarding school before they hit the streets. Here in the US, our kids all receive special education services that do not exist in KZ; they also by law can remain in the educational system until age 22, giving them more time to fill in some of the gaps in their learning. They have access to social services, therapy, and medical treatment that aren't available to them in Kazakhstan. Most importantly, they have us.

According to the statistics listed on the Kidsave International website (http://www.kidsave.org/need.shtml), staying in the system takes a heavy toll on children:

The longer children live in institutions or foster homes without a stable, loving adult connection, the bleaker their future becomes.

1 in 10 will commit suicide
Less than half will finish high school
1 in 3 will be homeless
50% will end up in jail
1 in 4 will become parents before the age of 20, and their children will likely end up in orphanages or foster homes
Many will turn to drug trafficking or prostitution to survive

I watched them today, these 6 children of Kazakhstan. I saw them laughing, renewing connections, exchanging phone numbers. I felt the ease of affection, the bonds they have forged with family. While it's true that there are no guarantees and bad things can happen to kids here in America, too, I have to feel that we've at least leveled the playing field. For these 6 kids (and a few others KZ kids I know and love), the future is brighter than it would have been...and they'll never be alone again.

Another kid from Kazakhstan

2011-07-27T23:29:00.001-04:00

See the boy in this very blurry picture? He's my son Madiyar's best friend...and he's from Kazakhstan, too. This was taken while we were in KZ adopting our boys and Borya was also in the process of being adopted. He wasn't a Kidsave kid but he was definitely a boy who stole his American mom's heart at about the same age/time that my Madiyar and Aniyar stole mine. Just like my boys, it took years of trying to bring him home...well worth the wait and he brought a fab little sister with him to boot...oops, once again, I digress. Borya lives in Pennsylvania now but he's currently visiting us here in MA. The two boys are spending a month together, the first two weeks here with us and the next two weeks at Borya's home.

Here the boys are as we drove from PA to MA just last weekend. They're big 16 year olds now, not the 8 year old boys their moms met and fell in love with...but they're still in touch with each other and that's important, especially for these boys whose family consisted of their group mates in the orphanage system. Maybe it's not such a big world after all if we can keep this connection alive...and wait until you see what (or who) else we have coming up this weekend!

8 years ago this summer...

2011-07-26T22:34:00.003-04:00

a group called Kidsave International did a good thing, bringing a group of 15 children from an orphanage in the Republic of Kazakhstan to three different states in the US. They were coming to the US for a summer of fun, placed with families who would show them a good time. At the very least, the kids would have experiences in a new country, live in a home for at least a little while and maybe even find a forever family. Some of the children went to Ohio, some to Michigan, and another group to Boston.

My husband, only child, and I were there when the five children from Kazakhstan stepped off a plane in Boston in the company of their orphanage caregiver in 2003. After several miscarriages, it was clear that expanding our family beyond our one child would take more than biology so we opened our hearts and took a leap of faith. Even though we didn't speak a word of Russian and we'd never heard of Kazakhstan before, we agreed to host the only girl from this group of 5 for a summer visit. That decision changed the course of our lives forever...and we weren't the only ones who were changed...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

On the first night Tanya spent in her home, she looked like this:

She was exhausted and scared and still managed to be as sassy as any 6 year old could ever be. We knew right away that she belonged in our family...and we started the paper chase for her adoption before she even finished her summer visit with us. It was hard to let her go back to Kazakhstan at the end of the summer but we knew (prayed) that we'd see her again in a few months, just as soon as our adoption petition was approved.

We were confident that the other kids who came to the US with Tanya would be adopted, too. They were 4 of the cutest boys you'd ever find anywhere on the planet and their host families clearly wanted to adopt them...so no problem. right? Well, not so much...but again, I'm ahead of myself. This pic shows Tanya with our Kate and two of the wickedly cute boys she came to the US with...Aniyar and Madiyar...who are now are sons. Sadly, the other two boys who traveled to the US never returned...but 3 of the 5 kids who came to Boston for that summer visit did get their forever family and it was us. (As if that weren't enough, we also met and adopted another of Tanya's groupmates, an 8 year old boy named Max, bringing our number of KZ kids to 4...plus the girl who desperately wanted a sister who started it all, our Kate.)

There's more to this story of the larger group of Kidsave kids, our own children, and their friends from KZ...it's what I'll be writing about in the next few days. Stay tuned....I'm thinking you won't want to miss a thing. I know I'm glad I haven't.

Missing monkey...

2011-07-25T00:35:00.002-04:00

We returned home from our travels yesterday with 5 kids in our minivan...but they weren't exactly the same 5 we started out with. We ended our vacation with an overnight stay in Pennsylvania with friends who also have kids from Kazakhstan; we had a lovely visit with Anne, Fred, and their 6 kids before heading back to Massachusetts. To make things even more interesting, we brought Madiyar's best friend James home with us and left our Tanya in Pennsylvania to visit with the Giberson girls. The plan is to let the kids all hang out for a couple of weeks and then switch them around again...a good way for our kids to maintain ties to friends and to their culture as well as giving them new experiences. It's good for everyone...except for one little thing.

I miss my baby girl!

She's never been away from us for this long since we adopted her over 7 years ago. Sniff sniff...I don't think ~~she's~~ I'm ready for this after all. I miss my sassy/sweet monkey. I miss her jokes, her hugs, and her beautiful smile. I miss her funny faces...

and her mad skills at Guitar Hero...

and I'm not the only one...there's a big sister here in Massachusetts who wants her baby sis home again. There's no one to play with in a house now decidedly full of boys...outnumbered 4 to 1 and no one to do makeovers with...sigh.

We know you're having fun, monkey...but we can't wait to have you home again!

Love, Mom, Dad, Kate...and don't worry, the boys will miss you, too, just as soon as they take a break from video games...

So hot!

2011-07-21T00:18:00.003-04:00

Sea World!

The next stop on our summer vacation and the temps are hovering around 100 degrees F. Water is a good thing; we've been petting dolphins and stingrays and staying damp whenever possible.

We're also just plain being foolish...click play on the bar below and observe the following:

Heat stroke...no other logical explanation...but we're having fun.

Vacation Update

2011-07-17T01:38:00.000-04:00

Thought I'd review the highlights of our family vacation as we proceed. First the background info; with airfares sky high, (Ha! Aren’t I funny?) we decided to drive our van to Florida this summer…then thought about the two of us with our 5 teens in the van for 3 days…and decided to split the difference, driving from Massachusetts to Virginia where we loaded said van and teens onto the auto train. We did just that last weekend.

We had 2 sleeper compartments on the train, with our large family, there’s no way to fit us all into one sleeper so Craig and the boys were in one compartment and the girls and I were in another in a different car. Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve traveled with just my girls and it felt like a party! Here’s some of what we did:

Played cards

Took pictures of us on the train

Sang

Danced

Got yelled at by the little old lady two compartments down for being too noisy. (It was 4:30pm, not midnight, for Pete’s sake!)

Giggled with my girls about being yelled at for being rowdy. (Usually I’m the one complaining about the racket, not encouraging it!)

Was reminded by one of my girls that the train was full of old people…not like us party animals! (So nice to not be in the old fogey club yet.)

Did pedicures (My toenails are now teal blue…)

The girls happily went off to an evening showing of Justin Beiber’s movie “Never Say Never” while I stayed alone in the compartment for over an hour of peaceful solitude before dinner. No, I didn’t go visit the boys. I locked my door and savored every second. After all, this was supposed to be a vacation!

Ate steaks cooked to order in the dining car with our 5 kids, definitely better than the peanuts and soda served on the airlines these days.

Retired to our sleeping compartment around 10pm. The girls vowed to watch movies and/or party for hours; they were asleep by 11:00.

Woke up in Florida, were back in our van by 10:00am rested and ready for our vacation to really begin. Gotta love trains!

Yes, we really are in Florida!

2011-07-14T23:34:00.004-04:00

We're on vacation in the very hot Sunshine state after a trip down on the auto train. It's in the 90's with a heat index of about 110 degrees. We're staying with family, some of us at Craig's mom's house and some of us at at my mom's place. It's not a perfect arrangement but it is cost effective. Every day is an adventure, some better than others with 5 kids and 2 parents tooling around in our aging mini-van...here's an example of the drama in our lives. This was shot at noon time just the other day:

Yes, I know the video is sideways but I can't for the life of me get it rotated. My advice is to tilt your head to the left and enjoy. Too much time in a van with 6 other people + 100 degree heat + hunger pangs = a big glass of teenage whine from the drama queen.

Aniyar and Madiyar at the touch tank

When we finished whining (after lunch), we visited the Marine Science Aquarium....saw dolphins, sea otters, turtles and sharks and touched all kinds of sea critters. Some of us were braver than others. Some of us were afraid of the itty bitty crab and needed several tries before touching it. Wondering who I mean? I'll let you guess...but he's wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt.

Max’s birthday!

2011-07-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

Our middle boy turned 14 on Saturday and we celebrated in high style for a teen boy. I’d say it was definitely a successful b-day for a boy whose favorite things are shoot-em-up stuff, video games, and food.

We started the celebration with a lunch trip to the Willows, an old-fashioned amusement park here in town.
Later there was a birthday dinner designed just for our boy…mostly meat. Max loves barbecued pork ribs so he got a full rack of his very own and a promise that for one night, Mom wouldn’t nag him to eat his veggies. The rest of us shared ribs, fried chicken, fresh fruit, and green salad.
After dinner came presents and that’s when the real fun began…because Max got the coolest water guns ever, an Xploder 1000 and an Xploder blaster.

These babies work a lot like air-soft paintball guns but they shoot water-soaked gel pellets.
The pellets are biodegradable, good for the garden soil, and don’t hurt like paintballs…in short, a Mom approved weapon!
The other kids were gracious but green with envy when Max opened his gifts. Oh, don’t worry…Mom had a plan to cheer them up.
Since it’s not much fun to have a water gun fight alone, his siblings each got blasters of their own and a mega battle ensued. Even Dad was in on the action! There was shooting, screaming, little blue water balls all over the yard…and laughter that rang throughout the neighborhood. The fun went on until dusk, about the same time they all ran out of ammo.

Only his 6^th. birthday with us, his first 8 being spent in Kazakhstan...I like to think we've had almost enough time with him to offset some of the trauma he suffered in his early years. I hope when he's grown, his happy memories outweigh his sad ones. For now, I'll bask in the comment he offered that this was his best birthday ever...

Independence Day

2011-07-05T23:08:00.007-04:00

No pics of our own to share, just this Google image...because it wasn't a great night for photos...but the memories were awesome. We grilled steak tips, had watermelon and corn on the cob....then we walked a few blocks from our house to the waterfront. We watched the fireworks our town provides and they were cool, but it was the gift I got as the sky lit up that was the best.

Aniyar started it; he was a bit nervous and on the look out for bugs and other critters who might disrupt the order of our lives. He climbed up into my lap and wrapped us both in the sheet he had brought along as mosquito protection. After a few minutes, I noticed Madiyar edging his chair closer to us; soon he was wrapped up with us and the 3 of us were huddled under our little bug tent. I had one arm around the teen beside me and the other around the one in my lap...how many teen boys consent to cuddle with mom, I wonder? Maybe just the ones who didn't have a mom to cuddle with when they were little...maybe just the ones who have finally found a home...maybe just the ones who can finally trust...maybe just the ones who can finally be kids. They stayed there through the whole show, all of us cuddled up tight and enjoying the pretty lights...and the healing.

Moving on...in so many ways

2011-07-02T13:12:00.002-04:00

At the end of each academic year, our schools hold a moving on ceremony to transition each class to their next grade. It's a nice opportunity to celebrate the collective and individual successes of the students. It's also a chance for proud parents to snap photos and kids to strut their stuff as they move up in the pecking order, proud to be another year older and wiser. For our family, the phrase "moving on" has a deeper personal meaning.

Four of our 5 kids joined our family through adoption. All 4 come from Kazakhstan, a country on the other side of the earth; they all used to live in the orphanage system there. They all have suffered trauma and/or abuse. None of the 4 were babies when they joined us; they all have memories of their past life, demons to battle, and loved ones to miss. For our family, the moving on ceremony serves as a very real reminder of how far our kids have come in their transition from past to present. This is why I sit through each year's ceremonies with tears in my eyes...and this year was no exception. Here's how our kids finished up the 2010-2011 year:


My 6th grader!

My youngest son has only been in the country since early 2009. He struggles with FASD , PTSD, and a host of other issues related to trauma and abuse. In his first few months with us, he had to be hospitalized for his own (and our) safety due to his violent outbursts. He had to repeat 5th grade and is still below grade level academically...but he is moving on to middle school next year. I shed happy tears as I watched this sweet, smiling boy stand on a stage and sing songs with his classmates, something his anxiety would have prevented in the past. My heart swelled with pride as he was presented the 5th grade athletic award and his certificate of completion for elementary school. So much progress for our boy!

The high schoolers had their own ceremony in the morning. I barely had time to get settled in my seat when they started receiving accolades! I spent the next hour laughing and crying like a fool. The kids love it when I embarrass them by behaving like a proud mama...well, at least they didn't pretend not to know me.

Our Kate took home 3 awards this year, one for Significant Academic Achievement (think "Dean's List"), the 10th. grade English award (it's her 3rd year running to receive her grade's English award), and the 10th grade Science award. Kate's my one and only bio child so I can safely say she gets her love of literature from me. The science brain, however, clearly comes from her father. I should also mention that this girl is my baby, my diva, my drama queen, the only child who not only wanted siblings but much prefers her crazy life as one of 5 kids. How could I not get teary eyed as I watched my baby, now a beautiful young woman, confidently sashay up to claim her awards and enter her junior year of high school? And yes, dear, as one of your classmates said, you did look dope in that dress!!

Our Madiyar has been with us since 2009. When he first arrived in the US at age 13, he had a complete disdain for all things educational. He told me school was boring and he would never like it. He was far behind academically and was overwhelmed by the expectations of his grade level. His behavior was disruptive and his social skills were weak. As a result, he had to be removed from regular classes and taught one-on-one initially. Fast forward to this past week...our very proud young man took home an Academic Achievement Award (think Honor Roll), the Significant Academic Progress award (voted on by all the faculty), and the 9th. grade Fine Arts award. How could I not sniffle through that one?

My new 11th and 10th graders with their awards

The afternoon ceremony was for the lower school, grades 6 & 7, so I was back in my seat with my camera in hand for my two middle schoolers. It was another time of smiles and sniffles and memories for me.

Our Tanya has been with our family the longest of our KZ kids; she came to us at age 6 so she's had all of her education here in the US. Tanya has always loved school but due to her prenatal exposure to alcohol, learning and memorizing is difficult for her. This academic year was especially tough for Tanya. Even though she worked very hard, she was failing most of her classes for the first two trimesters. In the last trimester, with incredible support from her teachers and a monumental effort from our girl, Tanya's grades rose dramatically in all classes. Not only did she pass everything, she actually got an academic achievement award (again, think Honor Roll)! She also received a REACH award, a high honor at her school; she was nominated for this award by her Ancient Civilizations teacher who had been a witness to Tanya's improvements. (Her first trimester grade in Ancient Civ was 11%; she finished the year at 71%. For a child with memory issues in a class that's all about memorization and comprehension, this is akin to a small miracle.) There I was bawling like a baby...so proud.

Tanya and friend...look at that award winning smile!

Our Max came to us at age 8; he started school in the US in first grade so he's had most of his education here. He's inquisitive and a quick learner; he's been in our family long enough to feel secure and he was pretty stable through elementary school. However, he still struggles with anxiety disorder, PTSD, and abuse and abandonment issues. When he's anxious, he's angry...and this year, he's been anxious a lot of the time. He's also very disorganized and lacks focus; he has a diagnosis of ADHD. This was his first year of middle school, lots of changes and transitions...and change is tough for my boy. Then there's puberty...and so the year's been a bit of a wild ride...but he ended 6th grade on a very positive note, earning an Academic Achievement Award (Honor Roll, remember?) and receiving the 6th grade Science award for his scientific curiosity and "thinking outside of the box"! There I was, crying again as I watched my "I hate school, it's so lame, I'm just gonna fail anyway" boy proudly accept his recognition. Oh, my...I went through a lot of tissues...especially when he told me that he was proud of himself! It just doesn't get any better than that.

My proud new 8th and 7th graders

Moving on...that's what these kids are doing. They're all faced firmly forward and moving into a bright new future. They're dreaming big dreams of the places they'll go and the adventures they'll have along the way. I'm so glad I get to be a part of their journey!

IRS audit of adoption tax credit

2011-06-30T15:46:00.001-04:00

Actually, they can keep the t-shirt...check, please!

We were delighted when our tax preparer told us we were getting a hefty tax refund this year. We knew we were owed a carryover of our tax credit from 2010 for our 2009 adoption of Aniyar and Madiyar so we never questioned the amount. We started thinking of home repairs, vacation plans, and bill paying that we could use our refund for. Then we got our refund...just half of what we were expecting...and I couldn't get a real, live person on the phone at IRS so I had no idea why.

It was early June when a letter arrived from IRS explaining that we (and lots of other adoptive parents, as it turns out) were being audited re: our adoption tax credit. The folks at IRS gave us 30 days to gather our receipts, invoices, cancelled checks, etc. to document our expenses and submit said documents to their tax examiner. If we couldn't comply within the time limit, they would set aside our request for a credit and we would be out of luck, meaning no more of our money would be refunded to us. If we got them the paperwork, then they would review our records and decide how much more of our money they would refund to us. (Am I bitter? Just a tad bit...)

Anyway, this might seem to be an easy fix to those unfamiliar with foreign adoption. After all, if you adopt, you work with an agency and that's a business, right? Businesses give receipts and invoices, right? And everyone has cancelled checks, rights? Um, not so much.

See, we adopted from Kazakhstan...on the other side of the freakin' earth...and it's a cash economy...that uses its own currency...and English isn't the language of Kazakhstan. The aforementioned issues presented a teensy problem to securing what IRS needed in a timely manner.

Cancelled checks??? All our in-country fees for our foreign adoption had to be paid in cash, nice crisp $100 bills and not a check, credit card slip, or receipt in sight. Of course, this was the largest part of our adoption expense...and did I mention we adopted not one but 2 kids?

Oh, yes, we did get some receipts for airline tickets and hotel bills and filing fees while in Kazakhstan. All I had to do was have them translated from Russian to English...and then use a currency converter to calculate the exchange from KZ tenge to US dollars. Several nights with my computer and my Russian speaking son at my side got me the documents I needed.

Interestingly enough, even our adoption agencies here in the US never gave us receipts for our home study fees, program fees, post placement reports, etc. At least they were willing to send me receipts after the fact...they were very gracious and did their best, getting the copies to me in less than 2 weeks. (Unfortunately, the agencies are also swamped with calls now since all their other adoptive families are being audited, too and everyone needs receipts.)

Cancelled checks for USCIS or KZ embassy filing fees? Forget about it! None of those guys take checks, only money orders or cash. Luckily, I had a stack of those receipts stashed in a file...only took me a week of sorting and organizing the documentation to come up with a total figure.

Had tons of little receipts for apostilles, document stamps, etc. Didn't even bother to add them up. Figured my time was better spent focusing on the big ticket items. Kept the suckers, though...you never know what IRS will ask for next.

Anyway, here we are, 30 days later. For the last several days, my dining room table has been covered with documents. I've been reliving my bad old times of adoption dossier preparation but in reverse this time. I finally got it all compiled, copies made, and the huge package of receipts, invoices, translations and conversions sent off to the IRS via Express mail. Now we wait for an answer...to see how much of our money the IRS will give us back. Let's see if they can turn it around in 30 days like I had to. Bitter??? Nooooo, not me.

Our five heartbreakers

2011-06-28T14:55:00.000-04:00

For Father's day, we gave Dad a photo of all of the kids together....it wasn't easy getting everyone to smile and play nicely, to wear nice (clean) clothes, to stop bickering long enough to say cheese...but aren't they a handsome bunch?

Where did my babies go? Sniff, sniff....wah!!!!

Trauma's poetry

2011-06-23T23:00:00.002-04:00

My daughter has been working on a multi-genre English project for the past few weeks, one of those "Let's write several things in different formats but focus on one topic" assignments. My 7th. grader had to write a poem, a non-fiction piece, a fiction piece, and a free choice piece. She's a hard worker and she loves to write so no problem there. Doesn't sound so terrible, right?

And it wouldn't have been...except our girl decided her topic should be her early years in Kazakhstan...and as a result, she has spent the past few weeks revisiting her first 6 years of life. Not an easy thing for a kid with PTSD. I have to admit I suggested maybe she should change her topic because I knew this would stir up some demons but my girl refused to be deterred. The demons have stirred as predicted...it's been pretty intense. We've had tears (ours and hers) but also some healing as she has struggled to process her memories. I have to say that I'm so proud of my girl; I'm awed by her strength and by her writing. In fact, I was so touched by her work that I asked her permission to share a bit of it here. The author has graciously consented to let me post her poem about her parents in Kazakhstan.

Mommy was short
Daddy was tall
Mommy was drunk
And Daddy had a fall,

Broke his leg
And got gangrene and died
Mommy couldn’t stop drinking even though she tried
Daddy was cool
Mommy was not
Even though I lost them young
I miss them a lot

Every word the truth...every word her own. If you read it without shedding a tear, you're made of tougher stuff than I am.

Silence

2011-06-22T10:55:00.001-04:00

Forgive me, gentle reader, for I have sinned...it's been a week since my last post. I've forsaken my friends and family in blog land and I beg your forgiveness. It's not for lack of stories. In fact, it's just the opposite. There's been so much happening here that I couldn't find 5 minutes to sit down, much less write a post. Here's the Cliff note version of just a couple of the events of the past week:

Who the heck gets the flu in June? Well, apparently we do. Both Madiyar and Craig went down flat with a very nasty virus last week. When I say nasty, I mean it. Madiyar (who is almost never sick) missed 3 days of school and Craig missed 4 days of work. (In 18 years of marriage, I've never known Craig to stay home sick from work more than a day or two a year, let alone 4 days in a row.) I was Nancy Nurse all week, tending the sick and dying, delivering ginger ale with crushed ice, wiping fevered brows, shuttling from one sick bed to the other, offering solace while trying not to get too close to either of the infected. I even quarantined them from the rest of us...hey, it was self-defense. There are 7 of us in this house...and as if that weren't enough to deal with, just as the guys started to recover, there was the next crisis.

Heaven help us, final exams and end of year projects are upon us. That means lots of hours helping kids study for tests, research for term papers, practice for oral presentations, etc. Most of the time, that's situation normal...but noooo, not this week..

In the case of one of my cherubs, this meant being handed a stack of papers for his English project that he asked me to type. The project was an alpha biography; it required the students to use different forms of writing that they had studied this year. This meant choosing a word for each of the 26 letters of the alphabet and writing about why that word is important to them in either a paragraph of 5-6 sentences (topic statement, supporting details, conclusion) or a poem (haiku, limerick, free verse, acrostic, concrete). Each entry would be something like "A is for animals", followed by their paragraph or poem explaining why animals light their bulb using simile, metaphor, alliteration, repetition, onomatopoeia, personification, etc. as well. Then there were the 20 new vocabulary words he had to use in the project and list and define in a glossary, the friendly letter he had to write to his teacher describing his creation, and the table of contents for his book.

In short, this was a project that was assigned well over a month ago so it would be lots of typing but sure, no problem. I don't mind typing for the kids, especially when their handwriting is as hard to read as this boy's. I tell the kids all the time that as long as they do the work (remember this part!), I can help with making it look nice. In this case, the stack of papers that were supposedly his completed product had more doodles and food stains than English content and only covered about 10% of what was required. Two days before the due date...90% of the work still to do...for a project that was worth 25% of his final grade.

I'll admit that what happened next was ugly. I contemplated throwing my darling son off the roof. I contemplated (once again) the possibility of running off to join the circus, leaving my spaceshot boy to twist in the wind come Monday morning at school. Then I sat his butt down at the kitchen table where he basically stayed for the weekend doing the work he should have done previously...only this time ~~with me breathing down his neck and beating him with a whip~~ under my watchful eye. By Monday morning, he still wasn't done but he had enough to show his teacher his handwritten version and ask for an extension to finish it up. She and I talked...we agreed that he should have a reduction in grade for missing the deadline but that he would be allowed to turn the project in late.

Since this isn't the first time our boy has struggled with time management, focus and organization, I spent part of Monday with the Special Education coordinator at his school. I believe that he needs more support next year to help him stay on task, especially for large projects...so over the summer, he'll be evaluated and hopefully by Fall, he will be moved from his 504 plan to a full IEP. He's not thrilled about the go to school and be tested during the summer part of this plan. I've explained to him it's that or one of us is going off the roof . Testing it is!

More stories...soon...I promise...unless I join the circus.

Maternal musings

2011-06-13T11:00:00.001-04:00

Image by dcbprime

linch·pin

noun
linchpins, plural;lynchpins, plural

A pin passed through the end of an axle to keep a wheel in position
A person or thing vital to an enterprise or organization

a pin inserted through holes at the end of an axle, so as to secure a wheel; a central cohesive source of stability and security; a person or thing that is critical to a system or organisation

en.wiktionary.org/wiki/linchpin

What happens if the linchpin breaks...or (just hypothetically, of course) runs off to join the circus?

Would the wheel fly off and burst into a million smithereens of unwashed dishes and clothes?
Would the wheel stop turning, clogged by the detritus of unsigned permission slips and uncompleted homework assignments?
Would the wheel lose its momentum without access to the locator device for all lost objects that is housed in the linchpin's uterus?
Perhaps the wheel would just waste away without a road map to the refrigerator or a full-time chef...or maybe just fail to function properly after a steady diet of chips, soda, and ice cream?
How would the wheel roll out the door to the athletic event, the mall, the dance, the school play, the movies, the pool, the video game store, the orthodontist, the dentist? (OK, so the wheel probably wouldn't cry any tears over those last two.)

Be forewarned, all you wheels out there. Even linchpins need a vacation...it's either that, or the linchpin signs up for a few lessons at trapeze school.

Another fancy dance...

2011-06-11T20:44:00.001-04:00

Last night was Tanya's turn to be Cinderella at the ball...her middle school Spring dance. Can you believe that my softball playing tomboy looked like this?

OK, where did my baby girl go?

Here she is with her girlfriends before the dance...too cute!

She went off to the dance with high hopes and romantic dreams. The boy she likes bought a ticket, too...and she had visions of dancing cheek to cheek...but he stayed on the other side of the room all night. He said he didn't know how to dance and he didn't want to learn. She came home a bit crushed...and we had the "Boys are from Mars and girls are from Venus" talk...followed by the "Boys mature slower than girls" talk. She wasn't buying it. Her decision? "Boys are just STUPID!" Poor girl...but...

Considering the way she looked in this dress at only 14...Dad and I are counting our lucky stars for that maturity thing. I'm just sayin...

My new toy

2011-06-06T11:53:00.001-04:00

Look what I got for my birthday!

It's a Motorola Xoom wi-fi tablet...just what a busy blogger mama needs. It has great web access and messaging on the go, two cameras, an awesome calendar option, all the Android apps of my phone but with a much more readable screen for my poor old eyes. I'm loving everything about this...and my kids are sooo jealous.

Best of all, it was a gift from my IT guy who provides great tech support. (He's a pretty awesome husband, too.)

BTW, the end of my b-day was absolutely wonderful ...dinner and drinks were prepared by our best friends/next door neighbors so I didn't even have to cook. My spirits were definitely lifted by the lovely ginger-mint martini concoction they placed in my hand at cocktail hour; the perfectly grilled tuna steaks shared with my favorite people sealed the deal on a wonderful evening. (Thanks, Rick, Deb, and Eliz!) The kids were sweet; they gave me delightful homemade gifts from the heart and lots of good smelling things like potpourri and reed diffusers...much appreciated in a house with 5 kids and two dogs. It was a fun dinner with 10 people at our table, lots of good food and laughter. Even our crabby patty child managed to turn things around and join in the celebration...a substantial gift in itself.

Many thanks for the birthday phone calls and facebook wishes from friends, also for the kind words from my blogger buddies. OK, my pity party is officially over...and if I feel the need to vent again, I have a great new Xoom to blog on!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to....

2011-06-04T17:31:00.003-04:00

Another birthday...not nearly as much fun as they were when I was a kid. In spite of that fact, the day started out pretty well with 4 of my kids making a real effort to be helpful and kind. They kept it up all day which is the best type of gift. As for the 5th child...let's just say his morning meltdown wasn't on my wishlist...nor was his continued bad mood. Still, it's part of the package with kids like ours.

Children with trauma and impulse control issues have a very hard time putting the needs of others above their own. They have a hard time with changes in routine. They are uncomfortable in situations that they can't control. Special occasions often involve all of those things and are therefore stressful for our kids ...and I know that. Intellectually, I know that. I knew it when the same child threw a fit on Mother's Day, told me he hated me and swore at me. I understand what drives the behavior...and sometimes that doesn't make it any easier. This is one of those times.

I'm tired...I'm having a bit of a pity party...but at least my birthday wasn't as bad as this:

Memorial Day in New England

2011-05-31T21:12:00.000-04:00

First we started with this...

Next came this...

And we enjoyed it all with friends and family like this...

ever grateful for our freedom and prosperity protected by the sacrifices many made for this...

Happy Anniversary to us

2011-05-30T22:27:00.000-04:00

Craig and I celebrated 18 years of marriage yesterday...and I have to say that I'm one lucky woman. The past 18 years have been filled with adventure (becoming parents), international intrigue (adoption dossiers and courts), foreign travel (the aforementioned adoptions), and so much more. There have been many times in my life when I have just not been sure of my choices...getting married to this man wasn't one of them.

You are my rock, sweetheart. Together we have accomplished so much more than we ever would have apart. Thanks for being my partner and my friend, for carrying the load with me...for taking more than one leap of faith.

What ever will happen next? I can't wait to see...

Venus and Mars

2011-05-28T20:38:00.002-04:00

My high schoolers attended their Spring Semi-formal last night, an event which caused great anticipation for my oldest daughter and anxiety for my oldest son. When it comes to a social event like this, girls really are from Venus and boys from Mars.

The Venus approach:

A new party dress is purchased weeks in advance, then shoes and accessories are painstakingly collected to match; hair and makeup options are practiced in the final days before the big event. Best friends are invited to the house hours in advance on the day of the dance to dress, giggle, paint nails, giggle, curl and/or straighten hair, giggle, help each other dress, text other friends, giggle, and pose for photos.

One hour before the dance, said Venusians are dropped at a pizza place adjacent to the dance location where they join their other fancily attired friends for a slice and a soda. The best part is the strut down the pedestrian mall to the dance venue where all can show off their finery and pose for more pictures...then it's dance fever, high heels soon abandoned for bare feet, a chocolate fountain, and lots of ooohing and aaahing over what everyone is wearing, who is dating whom, who got asked to dance, etc. A thoroughly awesome evening...except for the one friend whose boyfriend chose the night of the dance to dump her...she is comforted by the other girls of Venus, brought to our home for a sleepover, and fed copious amounts of ice cream and chocolate frosting. She is further soothed by watching chick flicks with her BFF's until the wee hours. They also rehash how beautiful they all looked and how unworthy boys are of them. They wonder how long it will be before the boys mature...

The Mars approach:

For weeks before the dance, the Martian vacillates about whether he wants to go to the dance or not. He wonders if he needs to ask a girl to dance a slow dance before the night of the actual event. He decides he definitely doesn't want to ask a girl to be his date. He finally concludes that he will in fact go. He decides he wants to have new clothes; the weekend before the event, he picks out new jeans, a plain white shirt and new sneakers. He makes a Herculean effort to keep the sneakers clean until the night of the dance. This is as semi-formal as he can manage.

The afternoon of the dance, he says he doesn't want to go, then changes his mind again. The night of the dance, while the girls are primping, he asks if he can ride his bike to the park. He comes home an hour before the event to shower and dress. He skips the pizza and promenade and begs Mom to drive him a scant 10 minutes before the festivities begin. On the drive there, he feels sick...he asks how long he has to stay...he asks if Mom can drop him off somewhere else. He finally is dragged forcibly from the car by one of the previously mentioned Venusians who happens to also be his sister.

Their expressions say it all...

He stands for a picture reluctantly, looking for all the world like a condemned man. Fortunately, some of his soccer buddies show up and he actually has fun. At the end of the evening, he proclaims the event "awesome" and denies that he ever had any doubts. He's exhausted...and proud of himself for surviving his first semi-formal. He thinks next year, he'll go again...and that's about it. He ignores the Venusians in our living room with their drama, snacks and chick flicks and heads upstairs with a graphic novel. He doesn't lose a wink of sleep over how he or his friends were dressed. He didn't notice who was dating whom. He doesn't text his BFF about the latest gossip. He doesn't even ask when the girls will lighten up about the maturity thing...

Yep, definitely different planets.

How the monkey got her name...

2011-05-27T10:40:00.004-04:00

A very tiny Tanya came to our family at age 6 and quickly earned her nickname because:

She liked to climb on our backs and cling to us like a baby monkey.

She loved bananas and ate them by the bunch; her record was 8 at one sitting.

She has always made the best monkey face of anyone I know!

Oh, we've tried out other nicknames for this girl, especially now that she's a sassy teenager...

and she's so grown up that she's carrying our youngest around...

but she'll always be my monkey.

That's why I baked her this cake for her 14th birthday. I smiled to myself the whole time I worked on it, anticipating the smile it would bring to her face. I even added a banana phone and a 14 candle crown for our monkey princess!

Here's the smile...and it got even bigger when she found out the cake had banana cream filling inside.

Happy birthday, sweet girl (AKA Daddy's Brown Eyed Girl, Miss Sassypants, Lemur Pie). As I'm sure Will Shakespeare meant to write, "A monkey by any other name would still love bananas..."

Screenless Sunday

2011-05-23T14:44:00.001-04:00

It was a rainy day.
Some of us were being cranky, pouty, sulky teenagers off and on.
Some of us were considering running away from home to join the circus.
All of us were wistfully longing for the soothing presence of mind-numbing screens.
Some of us (well, OK, one of us) refused to give in to the TV and videogame zombies that suck my kids' brains the other 6 days of the week!!
(Ahem...sorry about that, I'm better now.)
So...

We made soft pretzels....from a mix so it wasn't too challenging for my stressed state of mind. In fact, they were easy and fun...and for a short time, my surly teens surrounded my work island, rolling, twisting, and forming their own creations. They salted, sugared, dipped them in butter, or covered them in chocolate sauce. All was right with the world. No brains were devoured. All the pretzels were.

God bless you, Auntie Anne!

No, Auntie Anne's Pretzels didn't pay me to say this; in fact, they don't know I exist...but I figured I owed them one for saving our brains.

Not Judgment Day

2011-05-21T22:44:00.010-04:00

Followers of Harold Camping's Family Radio religious group spread the message of doom in Manhattan. Photograph: Emmanuel Dunand/AFP

No earthquakes, no rapture, just a pretty normal Saturday where I took my kids to the doctor, then shopping at the mall. The spring semi-formal is next week and if the world in fact did not end, my kids needed party clothes. When we were coming home as our local deadline approached, my oldest son mused, "We'll be dead in 20 minutes!" Well, we made it home, no earthquakes, no ascending to the heavens either. Guess it's a good thing I got the shopping done since life seems to be proceeding as usual here.

Harold Camping spent 100 million dollars on this, his heartfelt belief...and I do think he believed he was right. Even so, it breaks my heart to think of how many kids in orphanages could have been given a better life with that money. In my humble opinion, helping kids in need would be a far better legacy.

My DH is MIA

2011-05-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

My husband has been on a business trip all week which makes appreciate him all the more. Here's just a little of what I'm missing:

My morning life-giving latte which he brings to my bedside each morning. (Yes, I'm spoiled.)
The extra hour of sleep I usually get because he gets up at 5:30 to feed the dogs, make the coffee, and get our youngest out of bed. (Definitely spoiled.)
The way he waits for the bus with our youngest each morning so I can be getting breakfast for the rest of the kids. (He's a good Dad.)
The vitamins he gives me each and every day. (I suspect he does this out of self-defense, hoping I won't sicken and die, leaving him alone with the children.)
His role as technical support guru for our family. (If anything electronic breaks this week, it stays broken until the IT guy returns.)
Our nightly family dinner! (I'm feeding the kids earlier than normal and allowing them to eat in shifts to accommodate our schedule of parent-teacher conferences, softball games, etc. I like it better when we're all seated at our crazy and chaotic dinner table together.)
The laughter we share every day...and the fact that we share the struggles, too.
His touch, his kiss, his....oops, sorry, the teenagers are yelling, "Mom! Ewwww, gross! TMI!!!". I'll stop now.

Come home soon, sweetie. We miss you!

In Another Life...

2011-05-16T15:26:00.001-04:00

A lifetime ago, I lived alone

In a very tidy townhouse

On a very wide, sunny beach

And I loved my solitude…mostly

I ate my favorite foods in my favorite restaurants

I never cooked unless I felt like it

I didn’t feel like it very often

And I loved my culinary freedom…mostly

I wore expensive suits and heels to work

And traveled a lot for business

I stayed in fancy hotels and had adventures

And I loved my fast-paced career woman life…mostly

My house was never messy and I was very well organized

I never ran out of toilet paper or milk or bread

No one else ever got to use the TV remote

And I loved my feeling of control over my universe…mostly

I stayed up late when I felt like it

And slept in whenever I wanted

I was only responsible for myself, no one else

And I loved my complete lack of responsibility…mostly

And now?

My life is always noisy, often chaotic, and extremely short on solitude

I feel like I’m a short order cook in a restaurant

I don’t have a single fancy suit in my closet and I traded in my heels for sneakers

My travel is now limited to the taxi service I provide via my aging minivan

I have given up on the illusion of control…and I never get a chance at the TV remote

My middle name has been changed to responsible party

My other names are:

Dispenser of justice/ Warden

Cheerleader/ Advocate

Social director

Nurturer/Nurse

Housekeeper/Chef

Go to person for all things lost

Tutor/Spiritual Guide

My first name is Mom

And I love my life…completely

Just when you think it's stable...

2011-05-14T23:26:00.002-04:00

The other day, things took an unexpected turn for the worst...or at least the not so good. About the time of day when my youngest gets dropped off by the school bus at our door, I got a phone call from the transportation service. "Please meet the driver at the bus. There's been a problem..." No more details than that...was my boy hurt? Sick? In a fight? No way to know so I planted myself on our front porch and anxiously waited for the bus to arrive. The bus pulled up a few minutes later and I could see my boy standing at the door...OK, he wasn't sick or hurt, that's good, right? As I ran to the bus, I saw that the driver wasn't opening the door and my boy was kicking it with all of his might. Hmm, definitely not a good sign. When the door opened and he tried to bolt, I wrapped my arms around him and asked what was wrong. He was crying and very, very angry. The bus driver was angry, too. She was quick to tell me that my boy was rude and swore at her, that he threatened to punch her and a student as well and that he said he would tell me lies to get her in trouble. She said he would be suspended from the bus...and the whole time she railed, I was trying to hold onto him so he wouldn't run into the street.

He was a mess...it took all my strength to get him safely from the bus onto our porch...trying to ignore the stares from neighbors as I forcibly escorted my 13 year old across the street. Then it took another 5 minutes to convince him to come into the house with me...he was raging about how I wouldn't believe him, that he would run away and never be found, that he couldn't trust anyone. I kept repeating that I loved him, that I wanted to help him but that he needed to tell me what the problem was. I finally got him into the house but that wasn't much better. He was still raging and trying to run; it was like the bad old days before he was hospitalized two years ago. I kept trying to talk him down, kept an eye on him while trying to give him space, kept reminding him that I was his mom and I loved him, that nothing would change that. He told me that he had sworn at the bus driver and he knew I'd be mad at him and take away his videogames...I said that might be true...but I'd never stop loving him. He told me that the bus driver swore at him first and when he said he was going to tell his mom, she said his mom would never believe him. Sigh...once again, trauma is triggered and abandonment is feared. Why should I love him, believe in him, choose his side over an adult's?

My reply? "Because you're my son and I believe you...because no adult will ever again be allowed to treat you with disrespect without your Mama lion snarling in her face...because you belong to me." Even if it means no playing video games for an afternoon for swearing ( and he didn't!), I'll still fight for my boy.

Like a squall that passes quickly, the storm broke and my boy was suddenly in my arms, sobbing and apologizing. Sweet boy, scared, but much more willing to trust...how far we've come from 2 years ago when the only answer was hospitalization. This time, we hugged and soothed our sorrows with homemade ice cream. We made a plan for the next day on the bus and we moved on. We had a good evening and a great day after, even the bus ride, complete with apology to and from the driver.

And then there was that Mama lion phone call I made to the driver's boss about PTSD, special needs, and the school district's policy about swearing at kids...roar...don't mess with my kid!

My Mother's Hands

2011-05-08T12:32:00.001-04:00

My mom never liked her hands. She said they were too big to be attractive and she was embarrassed to admit her ring size. She would find it ironic that her hands and all their gifts are what I cherish most in my memories of her. For me, Mom's hands were the embodiment of her strength...and mine.

Those hands wiped tears, soothed fevered brows, applauded every childhood accomplishment, and guided my own smaller hands in learning. Those hands taught me to cook...how to stir and fold and knead and cream and baste, how to thicken gravy and judge the consistency of bread dough by feel. Those hands and arms never failed to offer a heartfelt embrace. Having lost her own mother as a toddler, Mom knew there was no greater gift than a mother's touch and she was generous with hers. The gifts of my mother's hands shaped me first as a girl, then as a woman, and ultimately as a mother myself. Even now, I have only to close my eyes and remember the feel of those hands to draw on the wellspring of strength, knowledge, and skill that was my mother's legacy, nurturing me in my life and comforting me after her death. As a daughter, I think of her each day; as a mother, I try to follow her example. I tell my own children that if I've done my mothering job well, they will hear my voice in their heads long after I'm gone...it'll be up to them to decide if that's good or bad.

My mom's last years were not easy. She suffered first the loss of my Dad, then her vision, her health, and finally her independence. On the night she died, I sat by Mom's side and told her it was OK to let go, that her job was well done and she could rest. The last thing I did for her was to polish her nails. While Mom never liked her hands, she was quite proud of her lovely fingernails and always took great care with them. Silly as it seems, I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving this world without her signature manicure...a small tribute to all those hands had given me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I miss you and your beautiful hands.

Trauma from a parent's perspective

2011-05-07T12:57:00.001-04:00

I came across this video letter written by parents of the Attachment & Trauma Network and it made me cry...it's so much what we live with each day. Please watch it...our kids are not alone in this struggle.

I think maybe I'm a writer...

2011-05-05T12:29:00.000-04:00

Is 50-something too old to figure out what you want to be when you grow up? Apparently not...because in a modest way, I'm now a published author and I like the feeling! Check out the guest blog post I was asked to write for Adoption.com; it's called FASD: The Failed Child . Just click on the link:

http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/fasd-the-failed-child

Big kids and Easter

2011-04-29T11:15:00.000-04:00

I planned to post these Easter photos earlier...but I got some grief from my big boys who were worried about their reputation. "No, Mom....you're gonna put us all over the internet and people will think we're little babies dying eggs!!" Then they saw pics from some of my blog buddies showing their teens doing the egg dying and hunting thing. Now apparently, it's cool and I am no longer under a gag order...so here are the pics from our Easter activities.

Dying eggs with our friend, Maleah

Mr. Cool shrink wraps an egg in a bunny wrapper...shhh...don't tell anyone!

Tanya shrink wrapped her egg in fluffy yellow chicks.

Our neighbors hid a ton of candy-filled plastic eggs for the kids to find.

Shhh...don't tell a soul that you saw Mr. Cool on the hunt.

Kate was the first one to fill her basket with eggs...notice anything different about that victory smile? No more braces!!!

We shared cooking duties with our best friends/neighbors. Many hands make light work and a great meal; there were eleven of us for Easter dinner!

Moses and the Ten Comments

2011-04-25T09:20:00.000-04:00

Last night, my 6th grader asked me to type his Social Studies paper. He was asked to compare and contrast three religions. He worked hard on it and had some good information but I particularly liked this:

"The Jewish people have rules called the 10 comments."

This from my boy who struggles with authority, who hates to be "bossed around", who thinks kids should always be able to do just what they want without parental/adult interference. I close my eyes and try to envision what he was thinking when he wrote this. I get an image of Moses receiving stone tablets and God's booming voice saying, "Here you go, dude...just a few suggestions...if you don't mind...whenever you get around to it...thanks." Oh, yeah.....I can see it.

My DH thinks it was just a spelling error....I think not.

Twin teens of different mothers...

2011-04-22T09:20:00.001-04:00

These two are my oldest kids...cherished virtual twins who are only 3 weeks apart in age and both soon to be 16, one born to my flesh and the other to my heart. They are so much alike with their deep feelings, their sensitivity to others, their introspection, their sense of humor, their just plain wackiness. Observe this video they made tonight:

My hurt child

2011-04-20T23:25:00.001-04:00

Taken in Kazakhstan, 2005

Camping on Children's Island, 2007

He loves to eat and is learning to cook, 2011

This is my first boy, adopted from Kazakhstan in 2005. He was 8 years old, so skinny that his pants fell down every time he ran, so damaged and scared that he raged off and on for the first 2 years he was with us. He's also one of the smartest kids I've ever met...but he suffers from anxiety disorder, PTSD, and a boatload of other issues that stem from his early history of abuse, trauma and abandonment. He's is almost 14 now and has come a long way with medication and therapy...but his scars are deep and angry and the firestorm of adolescence has further unsettled my boy. He's a very funny kid when he's not ticked off at the world...but he's ticked off more often than not. He tends to isolate himself when he's not comfortable...which means he misses a lot of fun times. He struggles with attentional issues, hates any kind of change, and isn't a sunny personality. When we recently had house guests, my boy did his level best to be invisible, avoiding all family activities unless I pushed him. He said he was tired...or bored...or just not feeling well...or not interested in meeting new people. He never once admitted that he was terrified, that he was jealous, that he was sure his world was turning upside down, that we would undoubtedly like these new kids who showed up better than we liked him...because that happened to him in his past life, so why not again?

Trauma sucks...and it leaves an ugly scar.

Don't let it end....

2011-04-20T00:13:00.003-04:00

We had an awesome weekend with our friends from the Philly area, lots of fun, lots of laughter over games, bike rides to the magic shop, pictures of a brand new coven of witches who are closely related to us...but it ended much too soon. For teens and tweens, this means it should have gone on for another several days as both families were in vacation mode for spring break. That's probably why the "pouty prince" graced us with a royal appearance as our friends pulled away from our door.

We waved goodbye and I turned toward our house, commenting on how much fun we'd had over the past few days. That's when my oldest son said, "Sure, until you spoiled it all." and stomped off. How did I spoil an otherwise perfect weekend? By refusing to let him jump into their vehicle and head out of state with them without a passing thought to how he would get home again. Sigh...ah, well. It was to be expected; saying goodbye is hard and someone else is surely to blame when you're a teenager. Might as well be Mom...who you have figured out will forgive you even before you've returned to your senses. He did manage to work through his feelings, came to me later to apologize. He told me that he was just overtired and sad to see his friend from Kazakhstan leave. Me, too, sweetie. It was still just a wonderful weekend for all of us.

Picture it...nine adolescents (4 boys and 5 girls...and did I mention that 7 of the nine were adopted from Kazakhstan?) having pretty much a giant 3 night sleepover which included:

Lots of loud music and even louder teen chatter.
Vast quantities of sugar and snack foods
Manicures and pedicures
Video and computer games
Shopping for souvenirs in a variety of Witch City magic shops and mystical emporiums
A quick and dirty tour of Witch City's highlights and historical sights
The burning of spell candles and the offering of incantations by our newly minted coven members.
A visit to our favorite Russian store for a sleepover feast

Sushki, pelmeni, kolbasa, and Kinder Surprise chocolate eggs

Cutthroat games of musical chairs and freeze dance rounds
A waiver of bedtimes in favor of late night movies and raids on the refrigerator
The enjoyment of old friendships
The formation of new friendships

The girls began to consider Wicca at the Bewitched statue.

We all played with interactive exhibits at the Peabody Essex museum.

We even hung out with the Easter bunny.

We linked the past with the future.

We took advantage of the nice weather to eat Mexican food for lunch at the edge of the local fountain.


Musical chairs, teen style...competitive...dangerous...and they cheat.

Anne, we can't wait for you all to visit again soon...the house is waaay too quiet with just the 7 of us and we miss you. Hugs from our crew to yours!

A full house

2011-04-17T00:33:00.002-04:00

There are currently 12 people under my roof...and 9 of them are between 12-16 years of age. My friend Anne and 4 of her kids are visiting from Pennsylvania; they arrived last night and we've been partying ever since. Seven of the 9 kids are from Kazakhstan, all of them at one time or another were in orphanages in Ust-Kamenogorsk. There are 5 girls and 4 boys...lots of music videos, drooling over Justin Beiber (girls), watching movies and playing video games (boys), and even some wine drinking (OK, that's the moms, not the kids.) Wait until you see the pics...soon, I promise...but right now, I'm thoroughly enjoying our very full (and noisy) house.

I'm not April foolin'!

2011-04-01T11:59:00.001-04:00

April 1st...snow, sleet, and rain here in lovely New England. The kids are trading colds again...which makes them crabby...which makes Mom want to hide under the covers and never come out. Days like this, I'm ever so grateful for my dear husband...especially because each and every morning, he does something wonderful and life affirming for me. It's something that makes it possible for me to face the day, even days like this one.

Every morning, one of these gets delivered to me in bed...yes, right to my nightstand around 6:30am.

It's a triple shot latte...OK, maybe it's a quad shot...but I don't have a problem. Really. I could stop any time I wanted to...although it's possible someone might die if they crossed me before I had my life-giving latte...but I don't want to.

I love lattes. Even when we were adopting in Kazakhstan, a highlight of each day was a trip into town to shop for dinner and enjoy a latte at one of our favorite places.

That's where this cute heart souvenir came from; Pizza Blues gave them out when they added their new coffee bar. Not surprisingly, it says, "I love coffee" in Russian...and while I don't drink regular coffee at all, I'd do most anything for a really great latte.

Heck, I'd even sleep with my barista.

Thanks for the dough!

2011-03-31T13:34:00.005-04:00

Anne's Scented Play Doh

Mix 1 1/4 - 1 1/2 cups flour & 1/4 cup salt.
Boil 1 cup water, and add 1 1/2 Tbs veg oil. 1 pkg unsweetened Kool-Aid & 1/2 - 1 tsp food coloring to match.
Add liquid mixture to flour mixture and stir quickly. Knead dough (it's hot!), adding more flour as needed to reduce stickiness.

Sundays are still screenless in our house...no TV, computers, videogames, or movies for the entire 24 hour period. We've had a few not so good days...for example, the Sunday I found our youngest son hiding in a corner with his Nintendo DS, looking for all the world like an addict who needed his fix. Overall though, the kids have not only observed the screens-off rule but have worked at finding other kinds of fun.

We're still cooking, playing games, doing puzzles, and spending more time outside...but last week we added in a craft activity compliments of my friend and fellow blogger over at http://bringingboryahome.blogspot.com/
(BTW, I highly recommend that you check out Anne's blog, she's an awesome writer and wicked funny.) Hey, Anne, thank you very much for the dough...even if you did make me beg for the recipe.

We used 1 pack of lemon Kool-aid in our batch of dough, then divided it into 3 parts and added food coloring,.
Easy-peasy lemon squeezy (Sorry, I just had to say that...)

Tanya made a softball...

...complete with stitching!

Aniyar made a snake

The kids played with this stuff for a couple of hours...

Max was secretive about his creation...

Alien experimentation?

Kate made a family of....ummm...something purple...and Japanese...from one of her favorite anime shows

I love it when my kids suck up...

Madiyar made this guy...also Japanese...with purple Elvis hair

Mom made a flower (ever hoping for Spring!)

The kids decided to pool their talents and make a dough birthday cake.

It must have been convincingly real; Nel started begging...and later, the dough disappeared. The gnawed-on remains were discovered later...in Mom and Dad's bed. She only looks innocent.

The perks of being sick...

2011-03-30T12:43:00.001-04:00

OK, the actual being sick part stinks which is why when my kids aren't feeling well, I tend to spoil them a bit. Tanya was the "lucky" winner of a day in Mom's big comfy bed most recently; she's had a cold, also spiked a temp of 100.7 at school on Monday and ended up going to the doctor yesterday to be tested for strep throat. (Fortunately, her throat culture was negative...I was imagining all 5 of my kids with strep...not a pretty picture.)

Speaking of pretty pictures, here's a visual diary of Tanya's sick day:

An Ipod, a cool cloth for the fever, and an attentive nurse work wonders.

A healthy snack helps, too...oatmeal cookies, apples & peanut butter...and girl scout Thin Mints

After the visit to the doctor, Tanya and her nursing staff rested on our porch in the sun...

I knew Tanya was feeling better when she picked up my camera and started taking the pictures. Back to school, girl...but I loved hanging out with you and helping you feel better!

When bad things happen to good people and dogs

2011-03-28T14:00:00.007-04:00

Any parent of teens knows how tough parenting big kids is and how hard it is to see progress. I think it's a lot like watching grass grow...you know growth does happen but it can be pretty invisible on a daily basis. There are times when I think I'm spitting in the wind as I try to instill a sense of responsibility, and empathy in our kids. There are days when I despair of my kids ever learning to be kind to each other, to work as a team, to put aside their petty jealousies and stop competing with each other. There are times when I wonder if it's even possible for our kids who came to us at different ages and in different ways to bond as a family...but every once on a while, something amazing happens that reassures me. Yesterday was one of those times.

It happened in the blink of an eye, like most terrible things do. One minute, I was bringing our two greyhounds out of our yard, crossing our driveway with the dogs by my side as we've done several times a day ever since we moved to this house last fall. I stopped to pick up a muffin wrapper one of my kids had dropped (I was grumbling to myself about those darn messy kids!)...and it must have startled our scaredy-boy dog. He took off running down the driveway and into the road, then headed up the next street. I reached the end of the driveway just in time to see him round the corner, running full-speed toward one the busiest roads in our neighborhood. I ran after him, faster than I've run in years, calling his name...but I knew I'd never catch him in time. I realized that I wasn't alone...my husband and kids were all running, too, calling our dog, trying to head him off before he reached the busy road.

As I ran, I could see the cars streaming towards us and I could see our greyhound run into traffic, too far from me to do anything but scream his name again. I knew I was too late. In that awful instant, it flashed through my mind that my kids would all be there to see our dog hit by a car...and I couldn't stop any of it. Time slowed down, inching toward the inexorable conclusion that left me feeling powerless and sick at heart.

Then again, it all changed in the blink of an eye. My oldest son flew in front of me, running almost as fast as the dog at that point. He hurtled into the street, hand in the air, calling to the driver of the closest car to stop...and luckily, the driver did. Our dog made it safely to the other side of the road and so did Madiyar. Fletch was tired and scared by this time and so he let Madiyar take his collar. By this time, our whole family was running across the road in blatant disregard of our town's jaywalking ordinance. (OK, I'll admit, I was the first one in the street so I didn't set the safest example for the others.) Once we reached our wayward pup and determined that both dog and boy were fine, we started our trek home in a tight little band, hearts still pounding. (My dear husband, ever the cool-headed one, insisted we all use the crosswalk on our return.) The kids took turns petting and fussing over the dog who by this time was walking glued to my leg, shaking like a leaf...or maybe that was me doing the shaking. Tanya kept saying, "I thought he got hit, Mom. I was so scared! I thought he was dead!" I couldn't have said it better myself...

It wasn't until we got home that I realized I still had that darn muffin wrapper clutched tight in my hand, a reminder that while they are messy, my kids can work together when it counts. Today we were lucky in more ways than one. Our dog is fine, our kids didn't witness a tragedy to add to their therapy/trauma issues, and I've gotten a glimpse of the seeds we've planted growing.

When he's not running, he's a real couch potato...of course, I'm talking about the dog.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to add this postscript:

Ever mindful of our new carpet, I'm always nagging the kids to take off their dirty shoes and leave them on a rack in our mudroom. They've all complied pretty well...except for Madiyar. He couldn't resist pointing out that he was able to run fast because he had his shoes on in the house when he heard me yelling for the dog. I couldn't resist hugging him and telling him I wasn't going to argue his logic. My boy isn't just fast, he's fresh, too...and he has a very big heart.

With regrets to Elizabeth Taylor...

2011-03-24T20:08:00.001-04:00

The sad news of Ms. Taylor's death was all over the morning TV shows and so it became the topic of discussion during breakfast. It started like this:

Child A: So who is this person? I never heard of her!
Mom: She was a very famous actress for many years and she was also a wonderful humanitarian who supported AIDS research among other things.
Dad: She was also pretty famous for her 8 husbands...
Child A: Say WHAT?
A photo of Taylor with Michael Jackson flashes on the screen
Child B: Oooo, MJ looks like a girl!
Child C: He's dead, stupid...
Child B: Mom says not to call people stupid, stupid. So was she married to MJ?
Mom: No, but she was married to Richard Burton.
Child A: Who?
Mom: Another really famous actor who bought her a huge diamond. She married him twice...
Child A: Say what????
Dad: And she was married to that trucker who she met in rehab....
Child A: What the heck would a rich, famous person need rehab for???
Mom: Think Lindsey Lohan, honey.
Child B: Oohhhh, I get it.
(About this time, the commentators start talking about Eddie Fisher leaving Debbie Reynolds for Taylor.)
Child A: Who the heck are those people?
Mom: More famous folks...remember Princess Leia from Star Wars?
Child A: You mean the chick with cinnamon buns on her ears?
Mom: (Sigh) Yes, dear. That's Carrie Fisher. Her dad left her mom and ran off with Ms. Taylor a long time ago.
Child D: Seriously, dude...someone should have punched him in the face. That's just rude.
Child C: Who gets the diamonds?

Just another theater-of-the-absurd lesson in current events and popular culture in our household...and people wonder why I don't home school.

Seven years ago...

2011-03-18T17:06:00.001-04:00

...on St Patrick's Day, this little girl stepped off a plane in Boston and became a US citizen.

She started a new life as our adored second child...and a princess in training.

She had a big sister to teach her the ropes and be her best friend...

...but she brought her own unique style to everything she did, from sports (note the ball in one hand and the glove and purse in the other)

...to music. (She hated piano lessons but likes the violin.)

She's a real beauty inside and out...

...and even though she's a teenager now, she's still just as silly as she is sassy!

Happy anniversary, Tanya Banya! St. Patrick's Day will always be special to us because of you. You're truly the pot o' gold at the end of our rainbow.

I've had homework...

2011-03-14T20:21:00.000-04:00

Sorry I'm behind on my blogging but I've been busy. It's the end of the trimester and I've had exams to prepare for. In 7th. grade, I'm working hard in Life Science on heredity and genetics and I'm killing myself in Ancient Civilization keeping Sumeria, Egypt, and Israel straight. My 6th grade report on Africa, especially Mali and its ethnic groups, took more time than I expected but it's shaping up nicely. My 9th grade math trimester final is thankfully behind me! My 10th grade work in English is done, I just need to be an editor and proofreader there. Then there's 5th grade math, the stem and leaf plot method (HUH?)...I think that's the most confusing of all.

For my special needs kids, I'm the at home tutor, not quite homeschooling but I work with the teachers to modify the curriculum for my kids who need the extra support. That means I create study guides, give practice quizzes, assist in preparing reports and presentations...and act as primary cheerleader for 3 of my kids who are sure they won't succeed. That means I'm lending my brain and my organizational skills as needed for my kids who are struggling academically while also giving moral support to my kids who are on grade level. This is also the time of year when we begin MCAS, the state mandated testing of our kids' academic skills. The class schedules are whacked and the stakes are high. The pressure is on for both teachers and students. No stress for the kids with PTSD and anxiety issues who reeaally don't do change well. Jeez, I hate this time of year!

Just another quiet evening at our house...

2011-03-09T11:05:00.002-05:00

I have big kids, teenagers, in fact. Heck, they're almost grown...just ask them! Two of them are counting the few remaining months until they can start driving. Last evening they were showing me how mature they are. Would you trust them with your minivan?

Max couldn't care less about driving yet...at 13, he has two passions: video games and food..but he hates when someone thinks he's "immature". It's the worst kind of insult.

They try to act all cool, my kids...but this is what they're really like at home.

You know what? I love these guys. I don't want them to grow up too fast. I'm so glad to see them being kids...because life wasn't always like this for them.

I think of all the struggles we've had, the bumps and bruises, the adjustment issues after each of our adoptions. I remember the rages of this kid, the tantrums and fears of that one, the kid who would sit crying outside the door when I was in the bathroom, afraid I might disappear. I think of the times I was hit, scratched, sworn at, and bitten by this one and the day another one ran away with no shoes or coat in the dead of winter. I remember holding a bedroom window closed when one of them was trying to jump out. I remember holding one of them tight in my arms so he wouldn't hurt himself while he raged, then holding him even tighter when he started sobbing. Thankfully, those times are mostly memories and rarely a part of our reality now. We've been lucky, we've worked hard at it, and the kids are healing bit by bit.

We're a family, a big, silly, loud, crazy family...far from perfect...but what a gift.

Answering tough questions about FASD

2011-03-06T00:29:00.002-05:00

"Mom, I take my medicine", my son said. Only half listening, I absently smiled at him and told him he was a good boy as I bustled around my kitchen. Then he asked, "Mom, why I take medicine?" and I knew it was time to forget about the breakfast dishes and talk to my son. This was a question that wouldn't wait.

The short answer is that Aniyar's medicine keeps him safe and helps him to control himself. The longer version takes us back almost 2 years to the days when Aniyar and Madiyar were new to our family...to the days when we feared for Aniyar and the rest of our family too. Here's part of the blog post I wrote back then:

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Things we wish would never happen...

One day last week, I heard the wail of an ambulance siren and knew it had been called for my own child.

One day last week, I pulled up to my child's school and knew the paramedics and police were there because of my child's crisis.

One day last week, I committed my child to a pediatric psychiatric unit.

Sometimes things don't turn out exactly as we hope...and when you adopt older kids with a troubled history, it's probably better to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. That's pretty much where we are right now.

It's now becoming clear that our youngest son has more problems than just cultural transition and language. Aniyar's behavior has been so inappropriate and unsafe that he had to be moved from the regular school where Tanya and Max attend to a program for kids with emotional and behavioral problems...and even that program has not been able to address his needs. Aniyar is sweet and charming one minute and then angry and aggressive the next; he has choked students, punched teachers, and tried to injure himself. At home, his behavior is marginally better than at school but still frightening; he lacks impulse control of any kind and has to be watched constantly to prevent behaviors that are unsafe for him or his siblings.

Last Tuesday wasn't the first time Aniyar attacked one of his teachers and had to be placed in the crisis room...but this time, the teachers couldn't calm him down after 40 minutes of raging. When they called me to come and pick him up, it was clear that bringing him home wasn't an option. We had finally reached the point our psychologist had warned us about...Aniyar needed to be hospitalized in order to get some help.

Where are we now? Aniyar has been in the hospital for a week now and we don't see much change in him. The psychiatrists tried him on a patch medication to reduce his aggressive behaviors and improve his impulse control but Aniyar wouldn't keep the patch on. They're trying other medications now...but Aniyar resists taking them. They also have him on a behavior chart...maybe they'll have better luck with that than we had. Sadly, even with meds and behavior charts, Aniyar is still acting out aggressively towards other patients and staff from time to time. We just don't know what will happen next.

We visit Aniyar every day; we miss him but are relieved that he is in a safe environment where he can be assessed and given the help he needs. We don't know what tomorrow will bring but we'll face it as a family...

***************

Thankfully, Aniyar did get the help he needed. After two months in the hospital, we were able to bring him home. During that time, we learned a great deal about Aniyar's past...his prenatal exposure to alcohol, his extensive trauma and abuse from infancy, his developmental delays and his memory deficits. So many things to overcome...but finding the right medication brought his rages and unsafe behaviors under control. Medication brought him home and gave him a chance for a normal family life. Aniyar now has a future that doesn't have to be ruled totally by his past.

So what answer did I give my son? I told him the truth...about his birth mother's drinking and how that affected his brain even before he was born. I told him that he had problems learning and remembering things and controlling himself at times because of this thing called FASD. I told him none of it was his fault, any more than the abuse he suffered was his fault. I told him that the medicine he takes helps him with those problems so he can learn better, feel less angry, and be more safe. Aniyar thought a minute and then he said, "I'm mad at my mom for drinking and for hitting me. I don't like her now." I told him I understood how he felt but we couldn't change what happened in the past. I promised him that we would always be his family and I would always take care of him...including making sure he takes his medicine every day, twice a day...for as long as he needs us.

Screenless Sunday Update

2011-03-02T11:06:00.003-05:00

It's been over a month since we began our grand family experiment.We've stepped away from our electronics one day a week, following these rules:

No TV or Movies
No computers
No gaming systems
Cell phone use for voice communication only; no texting, games, picture mail, etc.
We're remaining unplugged on Sundays and I'm delighted with the results. I highly recommend unplugging but it comes with a price. Here are a couple of things that I've learned in the past few weeks.
Be forewarned! Once the screens go dark, the cherubs are suddenly much more present.
This means they're in my face, whining, "What can we doooo?????" Since this whole screenless thing was my bright idea, I felt compelled to give them some guidance...and since my dear husband promised to love, honor, and support my hare-brained ideas when he married me, he's on the hook with me.
The truth is that our kids just don't have a clue what to do with themselves without screens...so it's up to us to show them.
We've put down our own laptops, cell phones, etc. and are spending our Sundays face to face with the kids, exposing them to other options for the use of their free time. I'm ashamed to admit that at first I was a bit panicky trying to figure out what we'd all do with ourselves. Did I need to come up with field trips? Educational activities? A lesson plan for bonding and face time? Then I remembered the kinds of things my family did when I was a kid...when we had one TV...and no remote...and we only got 3 channels...before computers, videogames, and every other kind of electronic wizardry entered our lives.
Here's our latest Sunday without screens:

Dad slept in, then got breakfast in bed and a pile of kids to start off his day.

We played this cool game for a while.

We stocked up on reading material at the library.

Kate wanted to learn how to make homemade pasta...

so Dad resurrected his pasta maker and taught her to how to make fettucine the old-fashioned way.

Before we had kids, we used to have Craig's homemade pasta all the time. We haven't done this since Kate was born...over 15 years ago!

The rest of the kids helped me with the sauce, salad, and bread...and Madiyar made Rice Krispy Treats for dessert.

We listened to music...and danced...and sang out loud while we cooked and cleaned up.

Tanya has discovered that she's good at jigsaw puzzles. The rest of us are sharing her new addiction.

The girls have taken up knitting. One of the boys has, too...but he prefers to remain nameless.

And last but not least, this is what Mom learned on our most recent Screenless Sunday:

The whining about no screens decreased dramatically when fun and food were involved.

The kids are now making suggestions for activities we can share. Next week, the boys want to learn how to make lasagna from scratch. See what a day without screens can do? It's like the Chinese proverb. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Then teach the cherubs to cook and later they can make dinner for me!

How to survive the common cold...chicken soup and puppy love.

2011-03-01T11:12:00.000-05:00

We've had more than two weeks of round-robin cold virus circulating through our family and I'm SICK of it, I tell you...excuse me a moment...ACHOO!! As I was saying, I'm sick...and my kids have been, too. Craig is the only one who has escaped mostly unscathed. (See? Working too many hours and being away from our germ infested nest for long periods has some advantages.) Our doctor says none of us have anything bacterial so we just have to let it run its course...HA! Easy for her to say. Despite my best efforts to medicate, hydrate, and separate us all, the cunning little germs continue to mutate, making us sick again and again. It's the viral version of the movie "Groundhog Day" around here and it goes like this:

At some point during the night, ____ (insert any one of my kids' names here) shows up at Mom's bedside complaining of chills, fever, cough, congestion, etc.
Mom staggers out of bed blearily to medicate said child and return him/her to bed
Quarantine rules are placed in effect until all healthy kids are sent off to school in the morning

Said sick child is kept in isolation for his/her own comfort and the safety of others even if he/she is feeling a bit better now that the Ibuprofen has brought the fever down

Isolation also precludes purposeful breathing on/coughing on siblings even if this is hysterically funny according to the Gross Adolescent Boy Book of Humor.

Sick child is then installed in Mom and Dad's big comfy bed for the day (see picture below)
Aniyar's turn

Therapy greyhounds are provided to comfort the sick child throughout the day
There's nothing as healing as a good snuggle.
Lunch and more Ibuprofen are served in bed...

Yes, it's a heart shaped fluffernutter sandwich with angel wings...yes, I spoil them when they're sick...so what?
Since OTC colds meds are relieving symptoms but aren't really a cure, Mom brings out the big guns and makes Jewish Penicillin.

I'd like to thank Ree at http://thepioneerwoman.com/ and her friend Hyacinth for the recipe.

By day's end, the sick child is kicked out of Mom and Dad's bed to continue recovery elsewhere.

Yes, the sheets are washed...although I'm considering burning them and buying new if we can't get this epidemic under control.

At bedtime, medication is distributed, air hugs and kisses are given (I love you but please don't breath on me/touch me!!!)
By around 3:00AM, the cycle begins again..new face, same schtick.

Sigh...More chicken soup, coming up.

Who says all that time I spend reading blogs is wasted?


Seriously, this is the best chicken stock ever. I'm making it by the vat these days.

Better late than never...pictures from New Hampshire

2011-02-28T23:13:00.000-05:00

Brrr! It was very cold, icy winds and snowy skies...but the view from our deck was so beautiful. It's hard to believe that this is the same lake where we all go swimming and kayaking in the summer time. It looks like a different world in February!

We braved the elements to enjoy some winter sports all week long.

We all went night snow tubing again...gotta love it!

Dad went sledding...

...with the boys...

...while Kate took a spin around the ice rink.

The girls got in some shopping and had a horsey ride, too.

We slept late, ate well, spent time with our friends, and enjoyed our kids. The kids also spent hours in the recreation center pool. They got lots of exercise while Mom sat poolside with her laptop.

Nicest of all was that we had no major meltdowns or stress-related episodes. With four kiddos with post-traumatic stress disorder, it's something that we're always braced for when we make any change in routine or schedule. PTSD hates change, even good changes, so we try to be careful when we plan vacations to minimize the disruption to our family routine. We've been lucky to have our own condo in New Hampshire that we visit several times a year; we can get away but still keep our own schedule for meals, bedtimes, etc. The kids are all very comfortable with their surroundings which makes them less anxious and more able to just relax and have fun. This week was the most laid back vacation time we've had to date as a family of seven so I think we're on the right track.

Gone sleddin'

2011-02-26T09:30:00.002-05:00

Wondering why I haven't been posting much lately? We've been gone, baby, gone!

We took advantage of the kids' winter break from school and went off to play as a family. We've been enjoying our place in the White Mountains of New Hampshire for the past week. We had a great time but I could honestly use a vacation from our vacation at this point.We came back home yesterday in a snowstorm/rainstorm, white knuckle driving as we counted the number of cars spun out on the side of the road. We're just glad to be back home safe and sound. Our brood is spending the weekend resting and treating the colds and coughs that seem to be following us everywhere...but no stinkin' virus can keep us down. We had a blast anyway, from snow tubing to sledding to swimming...and we even managed to avoid any major meltdowns for our kids who struggle with change (even fun change) due to their PTSD. I promise to post pics and stories later today...stay tuned!

What's the definition of real?

2011-02-21T13:40:00.013-05:00

This morning, I was acting as referee in a disagreement between two of my kids when I heard these words:

"You like Kate best because she's your real daughter."

Ouch. Deep breath, try to stay focused on the behaviors at hand and not be drawn off the point...but with adopted kids, this kind of thinking is bound to come up. It deserves a considered response...so here's mine. This is for the child of my heart who is ever wondering (and not just in moments of anger) if I can possibly have enough love for each and every one of my kids.

As defined by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 4th edition Copyright © 2010:

re·al¹ (rēˈəl, rēl)
adjective

a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
You definitely exist, my child...I have a stack of documents from two countries and the battle scars from the fight we put up to adopt you to prove it...and I'm glad every day for your existence.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
While you have a great imagination, you're not at all imaginary.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
I'd say raising you is a very practical concern of mine...because I love you ...and I chose you to be my child.
Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility. You've always seemed genuine to me. If you were an android or robot, I'd think my grocery bill would be less.
Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend. Trust me, when I call you "my child", it's with pride. You're worthy of the name.
Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour. There are times when you demonstrate pretense, falsehood, or affectation...but that makes you human...which is as real as it gets. It doesn't make you any less loved by me.

No, you weren't born from my body. I wasn't in labor with you in the physical sense. No, I didn't have the chance to give you your first bath, sing you to sleep at night, see your first steps, hear your first words. Yes, I had all those times with your sister Kate and I cherish them. Sharing these things with a baby is a precious gift. It should create a bond between mother and child that will last a lifetime...and I won't deny that Kate and I have that bond...but that doesn't lessen what I feel for you.

The truth is, I feel cheated out of all those special times that I missed with you. I'll always be sad that I didn't get the chance to forge that from-the-first-day bond with you. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever be able to fill that gap for you. I'm sad that based on your life experience, you have no good reason to trust me to love you the way you deserve to be loved...but I do. I've thought hard and searched my heart for the answer to your actual question: Do I love Kate more than you? I'd have to say no...which is not to say I love you all exactly the same way...because you are all unique...but that's a different story. I'd have to say no because of what my heart tells me each day. Born to my body or my heart, the love I feel for you is just as intense, as precious, as strong as the love I feel for your sister. I hope some day, you'll trust me enough to believe that.

With all my heart,

Your very real Mom