A year ago today...

We were in Kazakhstan, half way through our bonding period and basically clueless about the fight we would have to adopt Aniyar and Madiyar, let alone the struggles we would face during the first few months our boys were home. We thought we knew what we were getting ourselves into. After all, we had adopted twice before from Kazakhstan and we knew these boys; we were braced for some adjustment difficulties since we were adopting older kids, age 11 and 13. Experience has taught us that generally, the bigger the kids you adopt are, the greater the emotional baggage they come with. Little did we know that our new sons were arriving with steamer trunks of issues! (It's probably just as well that we didn't know how hard it would be...ignorance is bliss, as the saying goes.) We've all been through a lot of changes in the past year but we've survived and have finally returned to what passes as "normal" family life with our 5 kids. Here are a few examples of how far we've come:

Aniyar now sits in his seat and does his work at school, something that was impossible for him last spring. Last year, he often tried to run away from school and was very aggressive when he was frustrated, often being sent to the crisis room where he would rage and try to throw furniture. This year, he hasn't been to the crisis room at all; he hasn't hit, kicked or bitten anyone either. He even has homework...which he does as soon as he arrives home from school without complaint. Is he on grade level with his work? Not even close...but at least now we can focus on academics since his behavior has improved so dramatically.

Madiyar was our pouty, sometimes defiant bad boy when he first arrived. He especially liked to test me about anything related to school...he would refuse to get out of bed in the morning, refuse to get dressed, refuse to wear clothes that met the school's dress code, or try to hide when it was time to go to school. Once at school, he would refuse to get out of the car; once he was in school, he would be disruptive, disrespectful, or withdrawn. There were days when he would crawl under a table and sleep or refuse to work at all. This year, Madiyar gets up in the morning, dresses appropriately for school, jokes with his sisters in the car, and enters the school with a smile on his face. He does his work and is proud of his academic progress; while he still has some catching up to do, he's rapidly closing his educational gaps. He's also socially appropriate and follows school rules...and he loves being on the soccer team. At home, he is polite, helpful, and kind...and he doesn't pout nearly as often these days. He's a good kid who has decided to trust us, allowing himself to be a part of our family in the real sense.

When they first arrived home, the two boys were wild and broke just about every rule we have for our kids...life was chaotic and our other 3 kids were pretty ticked off that their new brothers were so rude and undisciplined. Mom and Dad felt like our family was coming apart at the seams...and the strain took its toll, exhausting us all and raising old demons with our kids who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Ironically, Aniyar's crisis and hospitalization played a big part in breaking the negative cycle, giving us all some respite as well as addressing Aniyar's needs. Every cloud has a silver lining...and we had a whole lot of clouds...but we weathered the storm. We now have 5 kids who bicker, tease, and pick on each other in normal sibling fashion...but they also stick up for each other, play together, and laugh together. While it still appears that our newest sons were raised by wolves at times, they've learned to be polite and kind and to follow the house rules. There's a lot more laughter in our house these days...also singing, dancing, and dreaming. Life is pretty much what we were hoping for a year ago today...not perfect or even easy but well worth every tear shed, every mile traveled, every battle fought. When I look around the dinner table each evening these days, I see the family we were meant to have...and I'm so grateful.

October in Witch City

For those of you who don't know it, we live in the Halloween capitol of the United States. Salem, MA is the place to be for aspiring witches, ghosts, and goblins during the entire month of October. The city even has a name for the month-long series of events; tourists come from near and far to participate in the Haunted Happenings. As a result, it's not surprising to see zombies ordering lattes in our local Starbucks...even the undead get thirsty after the annual Zombie Walk through downtown. It's also darn near impossible to drive around the city all month as the streets are chock full of tour buses and pedestrians with guide books and cameras in hand...just yesterday, Kate was muttering imprecations at the folks blocking the crosswalk while they took pictures of the Witch Museum and Salem Commons. Our girl is definitely a townie, having been born and raised here and she loves the Halloween season even more than Christmas...but she doesn't think much of the increased traffic which can double or triple our drive time to the other side of town. Ah, well...we have to take the bitter with the sweet and there's plenty of both this year.

Here are a few of our sweet memories of October 2009:

Taking all 5 of our kids to the Topsfield Fair
This is an annual event for us, and watching Aniyar and Madiyar's faces light up as we entered the gates and they saw all the exhibits, food stands, games and rides. Kate, Tanya and Max had a blast showing the boys all their favorite things to do. Dad and I were reminded that last year when we came to the Fair, we only had 3 kids and we were preparing to leave for KZ two days later to adopt the boys...last year, we were just dreaming of the day when we could share the Fair with Aniyar and Madiyar. This year, it's a reality...a very cool reality.

Becoming a soccer mom
Madiyar is on the soccer team at school. In his first game, he scored a goal and his team won. The huge smile on his face and the excitement of his teammates were a thrill. I can't wait for his next game...and that's saying something for me, the athletically challenged.


Tanya's phone!
Yes, it's true, our new middle schooler has earned a cell phone. Her dad took her to the Sprint store and she picked out a jazzy red flip phone. She's been busily picking out ringtones and taking pictures...and she and Madiyar have been texting each other non-stop. I have to smile...Tanya has had a love of phones ever since we met her. The little girl who visited us in the summer of 2003 desperately wanted a phone...and when she flew back to Kazakhstan, she had a Barbie flip phone in her backpack. Tanya is still mad at the boy in her group at the orphanage who broke her Barbie phone...and she swears she's not going to let any of her friends touch this phone.

As for the bitter...well, it's more like bittersweet:

Finding Aniyar and Madiyar's birthparents
Not long ago, Madiyar told me he would like to know if his parents in KZ were still alive and I promised him I would try to find out. I asked the same searcher who helped find Tanya and Max's birthfamilies if he could help us again and he agreed. I wasn't sure how much luck he would have as we didn't even have an address, just the name of the town where the boys were born and their parents' names...but Ruslan worked a miracle for us and found both birthparents. We're still waiting for the detailed report but we do have pictures of both parents and also of the house the boys used to live in. Neither of the boys recognized their mother or father from the pictures. Madiyar wants to write to them but Aniyar was worried that we might send them back to live with their birthfamily. He told me he liked this family better and I reassured him that he and Madiyar are staying right here with us...but I'm glad they have the pictures and some idea of what happened to their birthparents.

Our Rika
Our ailing greyhound is getting weaker as her cancer progresses. She has to be carried both up and down the stairs now as she just doesn't have the strength in her legs to make the climb. She still likes to wander slowly around the yard and she's gotten quite good at telling me what she wants. I've learned to differentiate between her whines; there's a difference between her "I really need to pee" whine and her "I really need you to pet me right now" whine...but the hardest and most distinctive sound she makes isn't really a whine...it's a heart-wrenching keening that begins when her pain meds start to wear off. Sadly, the hours between doses has decreased and the amount of medication has increased so we know the time is coming...but for now, she's eating well and loving the fact that she's allowed to sleep on our bed whenever she wants to. (I knew we bought that Tempurpedic mattress for something!) We're soaking up every moment we can with Rika as her days grow short and she is milking the attention for all it's worth. She wants to be where the humans are and will move slowly but with great determination around the house with us. She also still regally solicits pats, belly rubs, and her much loved peanut butter...and we're all spoiling her silly while we have the chance.


Autumn is definitely here...the leaves have changed color and are starting to fall. The wind swirls them through the air like colorful little tornadoes. Soon the kids will rake the leaves into strategically arranged piles and show their new brothers how they jump from our top steps into them. Our summer garden is almost gone now; only a few tomatoes and our pumpkins remain. It always makes me a bit sad to see Craig put the garden to bed because it signals the approach of the long winter...and this year the feeling is underscored as we say goodbye to our canine companions. However, we have so much to be grateful for. We'll have 5 lovely home-grown jack-o-lanterns just in time for Halloween...and we have 5 terrific kids who will have the fun of carving them. The boys are still debating about Halloween costumes; Aniyar thinks he'd like to be a mummy...or a vampire...or a zombie. Madiyar wonders if he's too old...Kate has informed him that she intends to dress up until she's 30...and here in Witch City, that's pretty much the norm. Tanya and Max are still undecided. As for Mom and Dad, do they have costumes for parents who have survived a year on an emotional roller coaster? Anyway, we're just grateful that life is pretty normal these days, even with the bitter mixed into the sweet.

The vigil

We're missing our Joy and are also anxiously watching our other old grey, Rika, as she struggles with the progression of her bone cancer. Rika's pain can be controlled and she still has quality of life, enjoying cuddles and wandering around the yard on a warm day. She hops around the house on three legs, can climb up stairs but not down them. This means she has to be carried outside or from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor...Craig and I are getting a lot of exercise with squats and lifting our 55 pound greyhound these days. Rika's appetite is diminished due to her pain meds so instead of her normal 2 meals a day, we're feeding her small amounts 4 or 5 times a day. Spoiling her with frequent snacks does encourage her to eat and we're also giving her fish oil capsules which may slow her deterioration. She likes snoozing on my bed while I work on my computer each morning after I get the kids to school...she can longer jump up on the bed by herself so she stands next to it and whines until I lift her up. Then she settles down with a satisfied sigh, putting her head in my lap. Her days are pretty good but her nights are more challenging. She wakes up at least once or twice in the night crying and we have to figure out what's bothering her. It's a lot like having a baby again; we go down a very similar checklist to the one we used when Kate was an infant...is she hungry, thirsty, cold, in pain, needing to go out? We're taking turns with the night shift and with sleeping next to Rika when she needs us...sometimes she trembles until the pain meds kick in but she seems to draw comfort from one of us being with her. Even the kids are in on the act, bolting out of bed to offer hugs when Rika starts to cry and sneaking her bits of her favorite snacks during the day.

Is all of this tiring? Sure...but as I tell the kids, this is what families do...they care for each other.

Losing Our Joy

The past month has been bittersweet to say the least, ever since two of our 3 greyhounds were diagnosed with bone cancer. We've tried our best to keep our old girls comfortable with pain meds without sacrificing their quality of life...and we've been spoiling them rotten with lots of attention and tasty treats. We've also tried our best to prepare our kids for the inevitable...illness and death are never easy and for our kids, it's particularly difficult to accept. Max suggested that we just get the dogs robot legs and they would be fine; Aniyar didn't seem to understand at all; the other 3 kids struggled with the idea of putting the dogs to sleep when the time comes. Craig and I have tried to explain that we will do all we can to keep the dogs with us as long as we can...but when they no longer enjoy life and are suffering, it's time to let them go. For our Joy, that time came over the past weekend.

Joy's cancer was in her right foreleg, causing the bone to weaken rapidly. Her leg developed a tennis ball size swelling that was rock hard and hot to the touch, making it impossible for her to bend her leg and support her weight on it. Her back legs also weakened rapidly so that by the weekend, she could no longer stand without help and had to be carried up and down the stairs. She became incontinent, losing control of her bladder frequently. It was hard for her to lay down and she kept licking her sore leg. The vet said the bone was probably fracturing as it weakened and said all they could do was amputate the leg to reduce her pain...but it wouldn't save her life. We made the hard choice and encouraged the kids to say their goodbyes. The girls sat with Joy, stroking her and singing to her, feeding her tidbits of cheese and other tasty morsels...the one thing Joy never lost was her appetite. The boys wrapped themselves up in videogames and denial, avoiding a final goodbye as we left for the vet. Kate went with us, comforting Joy during the ride. On Sunday afternoon, just 3 weeks after her diagnosis, Craig carried Joy into the vet's office and we held her and cried like babies as she was put to sleep. We could see her relax, could see her pain ease...and then our tail-wagging, sweet tempered, enthusiastic, goofy, gorgeous silver brindle drew her last breath. Our Joy is gone.

Painful as it is, death can bring its own lessons. Our kids have been observing us closely as we go through this process of caring for our sick pups. They've asked questions like this one from Tanya as she watched me hand-feed Rika her dinner, "Doesn't the dog food feel gross when you pick it up and when she licks it out of your hand?" "Yes, it does, sweetie...but it's hard for Rika to bend her head down now to get the food from her bowl. I love her so I help her by feeding her." Tanya thought about this for a minute, then said, "Can I try?" Then there's Max who has watched me mop up dog pee several times a day the past few weeks, vowing that he'd never do anything so disgusting...but when I ran to the store last week and he was alone with Joy who struggled to get up, cried in pain and then peed all over the kitchen floor, my boy mopped it up and sat with Joy, feeding her peanut butter ("...to keep her calm, Mom") until I got home. Then there's Kate who smiles through her tears and swears that Joy is free and happy now ("I felt her, Mama, she told me she's OK!") and Madiyar, my strong, silent boy who met us at the car when we came home from the vet, wrapped his arms around us and held on tight because he knew we needed a hug...and even Aniyar who doesn't quite understand and who keeps asking, "No Joy?", then says, "Mama sad..." and pats my back, senses the loss. Yes, Aniyar, you're right...no Joy...and Mama is sad...but I'm also proud of our kids and the lessons they've learned about caring even in loss.

Madiyar's birthday

Madiyar turned 14 yesterday...what a difference a year makes. Here's what he tells us he did on his 13th birthday in Kazakhstan: the older boys in his boarding school helped him sneak out of the 2nd floor window and into the woods of Ridder for a party to celebrate his becoming a teenager. He says the boys stole money from some of the teachers' purses to buy food and drinks. They gave him vodka and taught him how to huff gasoline...he says he saw lions chasing him and he was scared...but it was the celebration they gave him to mark his rite of passage into manhood.


Yesterday, our oldest son celebrated his fourteenth birthday, the first since he joined our family...and it was all about giving him back some childhood. Ever since he arrived, Madiyar has been taking note of the birthday rituals observed by our family and asking me if he, too, would get the special treatment that his brothers and sisters have gotten. He's been increasingly excited as his special day approached and he's loved the little perks of the birthday child in our house. As such, he did the following:

Made a birthday wish list and hung it on the fridge for all to see weeks in advance
Revised said list frequently as he came up with more wishes
Got to choose the menu for his birthday dinner (he picked takeout Chinese)
Checked the mailbox each day to see if he got birthday cards addressed just to him (he did)
Chose the type and flavor of birthday cake complete with his name on it
Received a gift as soon as he woke up in the morning (soccer shin guards)
Sat in the specially decorated birthday seat of honor at our dining table
Blew out the candles and enjoyed presents from all of us after dinner
Tried out his new roller blades even though it was dark outside
Got one last gift right before bed (comic books)
Got a hug from Mom and leftover birthday cake for breakfast the next morning!

And tomorrow, we'll all head to Roller Palace for Madiyar's birthday party. He's invited a friend from school and his brothers and sisters. He even had a celebration at school in honor of his first b-day in America; his ELL class brought in treats, made him cards, and decorated the room with streamers. Someone gave him a cool new soccer ball...he was grinning from ear to ear at the end of the day.

It should be noted that there was no vodka or gasoline involved in this birthday and the boy was in bed shortly after 10pm...but he was allowed to read one of his new comic books. Pretty tame stuff compared with a year ago but he didn't seem to mind. I think he's waited a lifetime to be spoiled a bit...and he told me recently that he doesn't want to grow up too fast. Smart kid, isn't he?

Beginnings and endings

As summer draws to a close and a hint of fall wafts in on the morning breeze here in New England, I find myself turning contemplative. After all, Autumn is a time of inherent contradiction which lends itself to philosophical musings about change. This fall is all about change for us, some very good and some very sad.

As the leaves turn vibrant and the air crisps, we're facing the beginning of a new school year with a mixture of excitement and trepidation...even though our kids claim to want summer to last forever, they all got a bit bored and were ready to see their friends again. The older 3 have all been back to school for almost 2 weeks now and have all settled in well. Tanya was worried about starting middle school but has now decided she likes being one of the big kids...especially since she now has a later bedtime! Kate is thrilled to be back at school and is enjoying the designation of high school student...and Madiyar has started 8th grade and happily joined the school soccer team, earning the right to practice with the high school students because of his advanced skill level. Aniyar and Max start school this coming Wednesday, not a moment too soon in my opinion since they are both witchy and bored all day with no sibs to play with. All 5 kids are acting like true siblings, bickering one minute and playing together the next. We've come a long way as a family and now that things have settled down, we are anticipating a fun fall as we share some of our favorite activities with Aniyar and Madiyar for the first time...the Topsfield Fair and Halloween being at the top of the list.

Unfortunately, we have reason to believe that the next few months will also bring us great sadness. Our greyhound, Rika, was diagnosed with bone cancer in her right shoulder last week. As if that wasn't enough, our other old greyhound, Joy, started limping badly...and when we took her in to the vet yesterday, she was diagnosed with bone cancer in the right leg. Both of our girls are 12 years old, an advanced age for greys, and we're grateful that we've had 9 wonderful years with them...but this news is hard. There's no cure...nothing we can do but keep them comfortable with pain meds and spoil them for the time they have left. Our young boy grey, Fletch, is most confused because no one will run and play with him now...I'm not sure he will like being an only dog. As for the rest of us, we're taking it a day at a time and trying to savor the days we have left with Rika and Joy.

Having already experienced too many losses in their young lives, my adopted kids don't do change well...but in this case, Kate, Mom and Dad are right there with them. Some changes, while a part of the natural order of things, still stink.

What we did on our summer vacation…

We flew to Florida with our 5 kids, effectively filling more than one full row of the aircraft and drawing comments from ticket agents, ground crew and flight attendants re: the size of our family.

In light of the fact that JetBlue doesn’t serve meals, Mom the Thrifty packed a healthy dinner for our family to eat on the plane. I was very proud of my fruit, cheese, crackers, and yogurt plates that I was planning to offer my darlings while winging our way south…who knew that yogurt was considered a liquid and therefore banned by the FAA? Say goodbye to the Activia, kids…it ended up in the trash at security. Oh, yeah, guess what? Hummus is also a liquid according to the FAA so the treat I packed for Mom and Dad went in the trash also. Live and learn.

We now know that ushering 5 kids through an airport is like herding cats. We also learned that ushering 5 tired, hungry and excited kids through a strange airport, baggage claim, and a wait at the car rental counter too close to the children’s bedtime is like transporting volatile substances on your person. In order to avoid spontaneous combustion, we made an emergency pit stop at Checkers for burgers, fries and milk shakes, then completed our day’s travels with another 30 minutes in the car to a repeated chorus of “Are we there yet?”.

We experienced the joys of attempting to explain to our new sons that our rental van wasn’t ours to keep…nor was the beach house we rented on the Gulf of Mexico.

We remembered that Florida is really, really hot in August…as in almost Africa hot. On the positive side, the Gulf water was a perfect 90 degrees, just the way I like it!

We introduced our new sons to our Florida family, just about frying their poor brains with the effort of figuring out who was related to whom. After a few days of family visits, dinners, an overnight to Orlando to meet some more cousins, and a family reunion picnic in the park with almost all of Craig’s relatives, the boys were a bit overwhelmed. Luckily, when overload set in, we could take the kids back to the beach and let them swim and play to relieve their tension headaches..

Aniyar discovered lizards and the fun that can be had chasing them. All 3 boys spent a lot of time in this pursuit, even caught a few…then Mom had to explain why we couldn’t bring the lizards home as pets.

The kids also loved discovering coquinas, the tiny colored shellfish that burrow in the sand at the water’s edge…and Mom had to explain why we couldn’t bring the coquinas home as pets.

We showed the kids the areas marked off on the beach where sea turtle nests were located…sigh…no, Aniyar, we can’t bring a baby turtle home as a pet.

We enjoyed the beautiful sea oats that have been planted on the beach to help with erosion…they’re protected and picking them can result in a very stiff fine…no, Aniyar, really, Mama doesn’t want you to pick them….nooooo!!

Kate enjoyed convincing her brothers to bury her in the sand so she looked like a mermaid complete with tail…and Aniyar and Max were more than happy to dump wet sand on their big sister.

Madiyar liked learning to body surf on a rare day when there were waves due to a tropical storm…and during the summer thunderstorms, the kids all liked doing arts and crafts and playing with games that our relatives provided. Tanya, Kate and I painted each other’s nails and pasted on tiny gems. The boys loved drawing and painting and Max especially liked the Lego set he got from Grandma’s store. The beach toys that cousin Matt provided were also a huge hit…but all the kids liked swimming with Matt just about better than anything.

Grandma Schoelles gets the award for the best way to keep 5 kids busy while grown-ups chat…she gave each of them a $5 gift certificate to The Coffee Mill, her store which obviously sells coffee but also stocks yummy candy and small toys. (Here's a pic of Craig's mom and sibs at the Mill.) On our last day in Florida, our brood spent a long time quietly perusing Grandma’s shelves and making their selections. Some chose candy, some gum, some trinkets…and they all had cookies and frozen treats from the coffee bar. Kate helped Grandma price some new stock and Tanya did some sweeping up of spilled coffee beans, too…I think the girls are angling for a summer job in the future!

We flew back to Massachusetts after a week of sun and fun and were reminded once more that one of the best things about going away is the coming home again…we ended our vacation with Chinese takeout and snuggles with our dogs.

(BTW, for those of you who are wondering how we’re doing, rest easy. Life is almost normal again here in Witch City. We’re gearing up for a new school year and looking forward to fall. Our kids are adjusting well now and family life is much less dramatic these days. Aniyar is still a challenge but his medications have made a huge difference in his ability to function positively and control his impulses. We are proof positive of better living through chemistry!)