Things to remember

When it's late and I'm tired after a really challenging day, here are the things I try to to keep in mind. Even though we had weeping and wailing from all of our kids today, we also had some really great moments. For example, Madiyar had a great day at school and I loved celebrating that with him. Max had some struggles but he really worked hard at seeing the positives and he played well with his brothers...and he is still the best squirrel I ever had. Aniyar had a great time playing with his Dad tonight and Tanya found a way to join in and forgive some earlier linguistic misunderstandings. Tanya also showed me again how far she's come...it was 5 years ago today that she arrived in America and now she's a bossy, Jonas Brothers-loving 5th grader. As for Kate...well, she's Kate...and except for a minor meltdown when she forgot to prepare for her piano lesson today and was sure the world had stopped spinning (did I mention that this is Kate, AKA Drama Queen?), we worked things out. At the end of the day we had hugs and I love you's from all the kids, then we celebrated our 12 year old dog's b-day, singing and a cake made of bread and peanut butter was involved. All's well that ends well...now sleep.

Finally…an update!

We’ve been home for almost 4 weeks now and it’s been a whirlwind of activity around the Risley-Schoelles house. We’ve had physical exams, the start of school, language assessment appointments, and the long awaited adventure of just plain living with 5 kids. The daily living part has included a lot of good, a bit of not so good, and a touch of the ugly. (I’d have to say that trying to train 2 boys who are unaccustomed to toilet seats to lift said toilet seat and not pee all over the bathroom floor gets my vote for the ugly bit!)

OK, here are the lows and highs of our last few weeks:

In the first several days of school, our sweet Aniyar pinched his translator, swore at her, kicked his classmates and told the girl in his class who speaks Russian to shut up….and got sent to the principal’s office.

In the first several days of school, our sweet Madiyar refused to do any work in school, dissed his translator and his teachers, swore at his Art teacher, pushed a girl and called her names at recess…and got sent to the Dean’s office.

Sigh…adjustment to the new culture has commenced and the old and new worlds have collided, sometimes painfully.

On the positive side, I’ve received countless hugs from both boys and my first “I love you”s. I get grumbling regarding rules about bedtime, videogames, and TV but the rules are followed. I get smiles and hugs when I pick the kids up from school, polite behavior at dinner, help with chores, and gifts of swamp grass, pretty rocks, candy, and treats collected from the day’s adventures. A few days ago, I watched the boys climb our old willow tree and explore the frozen wetland behind our house. They happily discovered old tennis and golf balls and brought them home, rode their bikes in spite of the bitter cold wind, and dragged home scrap lumber in hopes of building a tree house.

I’ve also discovered that Madiyar can break dance; he was the star of his first school dance and is a minor celebrity now for his flips and spins. Of course, Madiyar can’t communicate much with his new admirers yet but that’s changing…students and teachers are learning phrases and greetings in Russian and Madiyar is quickly picking up English phrases. The school has also identified several Russian speaking students who are serving as Madiyar’s mentors so he has kids he can communicate with during the day which seems to help him feel a bit more comfortable. He’s also enjoying frequent chats with his friend Borya who was also adopted recently and who now lives in Pennsylvania

Aniyar’s artistic ability is drawing a crowd at the elementary school…the kids are lining up for his drawings and he’s thrilled to see them appreciate his artistic efforts. He’s making friends, many of them kids who knew Max when he first arrived; they don’t find a kid from Kazakhstan who doesn’t speak English all that different. Many of them are greeting Aniyar in Russian each morning.

At home, we’re settling into a more normal routine and the boys are getting more comfortable with life as we know it. They’re getting used to a regular bedtime, are taking baths (more) regularly, and are eating more American type of foods in addition to their own KZ favorites. (They’ve both discovered peanut butter sandwiches and are quite smitten.) They’re enjoying TV, movie, and videogame privileges as long as they follow our limits…and they’ve both earned brand new Nintendo DS systems with improved behavior at school and at home. They’re consuming enough fresh fruit that I wish I owned a produce stand…I’m going through 3-4 pounds of grapes a day, not to mention multiple pounds of bananas, apples, and pears, not to mention 5 dozen eggs and 4 gallons of milk a week…no, eating isn’t a problem. They really like some of our family events like our weekly movie night. This past Sunday, we all settled down in the family room to watch a Jackie Chan movie which had so much action that the language barrier wasn’t a problem. We snuggled under blankets and curled up with the dogs…and it was pretty darn normal. All the kids are playing well together and the language barrier is falling…the boys are trying out more English phrases each day and Kate, Tanya and Max are using more Russian again. We have a lot of dancing, singing, pillow fights, and horseplay and a lot of laughter. (OK, we also have bickering over the TV channels…but that just tells me that all 5 of the kids are really bonding as siblings!) Kate summed it up best when she said that our family now feels complete…and in spite of our minor ups and downs (arrrggghhhh, the toilet seat/missing the toilet completely issues!!!)…I totally agree.


As for Mom and Dad…the past 3 months and 3 trips to Kazakhstan have taken their toll. Craig and I are both mentally and physically exhausted, stressed in many ways, and financially nervous due to the state of the economy. Craig used all of his leave time on our adoption trips and is really busy catching up at work now so he can’t take any time off. I’m at home each day but so busy that I’m desperately trying to figure out how to fit in work on my consulting contract while still being available for all of the kids’ needs. Don’t get me wrong, we’re really OK…but we could sure use a vacation about now…and that just isn’t in the cards before summer. (At the moment, we’d settle for a babysitter so we could go out for dinner some time!)

Oh, and did I mention that it’s winter vacation week here in Massachusetts? The kids are off from school until next Monday…so far, they’ve been to the YMCA for 2 days of camp and we have some other fun activities planned…but it’s raining today and Kate and Max both have orthodontist appointments. I can hear the whining already….no, wait, that’s me…is it Monday yet?

OK, let’s review our current vacation week situation. We have 5 bored kids, Mom going crazy, trips to the orthodontist, non-stop eating, too much laundry, muddy shoes and paw prints from too much rain, teenagers who want to stay up too late and then sleep until 10am and pre-teens who want to be teenagers. Sounds pretty normal, doesn’t it? In spite of our fatigue and our adjustments, we still have to smile…we’ve waited two years for this and it’s finally here. Welcome to real life in our family of 7…more ups than downs, more good than bad…and it’s getting better each day. We’re so lucky to have pulled off this miracle!

Home at last...

The past 48 hours are a blur...here's a synopsis of events. I haven't had time to upload pics, will try to do that later today. In the meantime, picture this:

Waited all day Thursday (1/22)with crossed fingers in Almaty to hear that the boys' passports had been flown to Ust and back and were finally correctly stamped so we could go home

Received the call from Oleg around 6:00pm that he was bringing the completed passports to us

Much screaming and cheering could be heard from 2 excited boys and their parents

Called kids in US around 6:15pm KZ time/7:15am US time to relay the good news

More screaming and cheering over Skype

Several hours of waiting to go to the airport at 1:30am

Madiyar asked at least 10 times how many more hours before we leave and proclaimed he wouldn't be able to sleep

Woke two sleepy boys to ride to the airport

Held our breath as the boys' passports and stamps were reviewed at passport control

Started breathing again once we were cleared for our flight

Waited for 2 hours to board our 4:10am flight

Madiyar asked at least 10 times how many more minutes until we would board

Dad spent the last of our tengee on over-priced airport candy

Boarded our flight and smiled as the wheels left the runway

Experienced much playing with tray tables, seatbelts, window shades, etc.

Eventually experienced much-needed sleep

Landed in Frankfurt at 5:20am for a 6 hour layover

Parents drank life-giving lattes while feeding the children M & M's, distributed Mom's stash of emergency Russian comic books, encouraged GameBoy playing, watched a movie until the computer battery died

Introduced our sons to the joys of playing on escalators and moving sidewalks, calling it exercise

Explored every inch of terminals A and B while trying to teach Aniyar to push a baggage cart without maiming someone

Visited several bathrooms, elevators, and more escalators and moving sidewalks

Instructed our children on the finer points of not pushing buttons or opening alarmed doors

Fed our kids their first McDonald's Happy Meals, including an ice cream sundae for Aniyar, a desperate attempt to bribe our way through the last part of our layover

Finally meandered to our gate at 11:00am

Responded to Madiyar's 20th request about how many more minutes until our 12:15 departure

Boarded our flight and walked through Business class to get to our cheap seats in Economy

Answered Madiyar's question as to why we didn't just sit in the nice big seats of Business class, dispelling his fantasy re: his new parents' vast wealth

Enjoyed Lufthansa's good service and food...for 8 long hours...with Craig seated 2 rows away from the rest of us

We travel back in time, chasing the sun across the sky and regaining a day in the process.

Gave Madiyar hourly updates on how many more hours until our arrival in Boston

After 6 hours, returned from bathroom to find the boys belting each other over rights to the window seat

Mom pulls darling boys apart and sits between them

Dad walks by on the way to the bathroom and wonders why Madiyar is now in the aisle seat and sulking

Mom reads and ignores sulking

Madiyar decides to stop sulking and asks how many more hours to Boston

Aniyar gets teary-eyed and asks why it's taking so long

Mom tells him stories about doggies who will give him kisses at home

Boys are distracted by the movie Wall-E and a snack for the last 2 hours of the flight; Mom is distracted by a small glass of purely medicinal cognac offered by the flight attendants.

Wheels touch down in Boston around 2pm on Friday, January 23 as new sons flagrantly attempt to flaunt seat belt rules while straining to see out the window.

Mom and Dad smile at each other across the rows as our new sons become US citizens when wheels touch US soil.

Mom tells boys they are now Americans

Aniyar asks if he can have a fishing pole now...he has seen Boston Harbor and wants to catch us some dinner

We proceed triumphantly off the plane and to passport control and immigration

No one throws a temper tantrum like Max did at this point in 2005

We go to the room where the boys' visas are entered into the computer system and they are welcomed to America officially as its' newest citizens

Everyone smiles and off we go into the main terminal by 3pm...over 5 years after we met the boys in this very spot, they've finally returned.

Our friend Deb picks us up and drives us home

We search the house for our kids but no one's home

Aniyar and Madiyar are greeted warmly by the dogs and new friendships are formed

Our kids arrive home from our friend Laura's house a few minutes later, screaming and yelling

Mom is assaulted by screaming children who knock her down with hugs

Other family members, new and old, are similarly and enthusiastically asssaulted

A maelstrom of greetings, showing the new kids around, opening overdue Christmas gifts, etc ensues

After an exhausting frenzy, various children engage themselves in movies in various languages, then videogames, then remote control vehicles

Around 6:00pm, Mom and Dad order take-out Chinese food since a home-cooked meal seems like an impossible dream.

By 6:30pm, we sit down to our first dinner as a family of 7...and we're all smiling.

Just when we thought it was safe to go to the airport...

Yep, you guessed it. We're still in KZ instead of winging our way home as we had hoped. Yesterday afternoon, Oleg called us with bad news. It seems that the boys' passports were missing one of two stamps required for them to leave the country. The same immigation official who had delayed us last week when he was in Moscow returned and stamped the passports once...but didn't add the required second stamp with his personal number. The passports were registered in Astana and were then sent to Oleg who discovered the error and was the lucky person who got to give us the bad news. This means that the passports have to be returned to Ust for the missing stamp. They're being flown there today, will be stamped and returned to us in Almaty by late afternoon. If all goes well and the official doesn't go to Bimini for vacation for a month, we'll be able to fly home tonight.

We completed our US Embassy visit yesterday, no problems there at least. We now have two lovely packets which contain the immigration visas for our new sons to enter the US. Assuming we ever actually get to Boston, the boys will become US citizens as soon as their feet touch US soil. Keep your fingers crossed for us...once again.

That which does not kill us makes us strong...so you may now all address us as Wonder Woman and Hercules, I believe.

Drum roll, please...

Tada!! It's finally time to go home. Three months after we arrived in Kazakhstan to begin our bonding and after 2 years of waiting, we're finally at the end of this long journey. The boys' paperwork is completed and our last hurdle will be crossed today...we'll head to our interview at the US Embassy at 2:15pm. Our flight leaves 12 hours later, not a moment too soon for any of us.

The boys are excited and probably a bit nervous but they're ready to go. We've spent the past 2 days in the apartment and even they are getting a bit tired of TV and movies. Aniyar and I looked at a book together yesterday and sounded out some English words. He drew me a picture and we practiced counting in English. Then we moved on to paper airplanes and playing soccer with a balloon. Madiyar spent most of the day eating everything in sight and trying to get his brother to wrestle with him when he wasn't continuously changing TV channels...yep, we're all pretty bored.

Last night, the boys went to bed without complaint. In fact, Aniyar was already dozing on the couch before the TV went off. Both boys were asleep within minutes, dreaming of airplanes and America. I woke up 3 times in the night to hear Madiyar talking in his sleep...I remember Max doing the same thing when he first came home...a stream of agitated Russian, a wild eyed look. I rubbed his back and told him he was safe and he was comatose once more.

It's a little after 8:00am here on Wednesday morning. The boys are still asleep and Craig and I are drinking tea. We're enjoying the early morning quiet...the sky is just beginning to lighten (the sun rises late here this time of the year). I can hear cars honking and the morning bustle beginning outside as the city comes to life. Inside our apartment, the bustle will begin soon, too...the boys will get up soon. We'll make a breakfast of eggs, yogurt, and salami. They'll watch TV and Craig and I will begin the process of packing our bags one last time. I'll pick my way over the treacherously icy sidewalks for one last trip to the supermarket where I'll buy just enough food for lunch and dinner, our last meals here in KZ.

We're counting the hours...

Our past few days...

We've made it through the weekend and we're all still in one piece. We stayed in the apartment on Saturday with Craig and I taking turns to go out for groceries and to get a little break from the boys. Oleg came over and talked with the boys about safety, the size of the city (2 million people), and the importance of staying together but none of us were convinced it would guarantee that Madiyar would stay with us if we went out. Even Madiyar seemed to be reluctant to go outside; he told Oleg he didn't want to go anywhere, that he wanted to stay in the apartment and watch TV until we leave for America. Even though he won't admit it (he's 13, after all...), I suspect he's intimidated and overwhelmed by the much larger world that sits outside our apartment door today as opposed to the small town of Ridder that he's used to. Anyway, Oleg left, saying he would call us on Sunday to see about taking us out for some fun.

Given our being cooped up in the apartment, Saturday was long but we got through it without too much drama, just some minor squabbles between the brothers and some sulking from our moody boy when we intervened. I found the day tough mostly because I was running on too little sleep again...I've been waking up at 4:00am or so each morning, putting in 18 hr days and running on empty. Sleep deprivation is an ugly thing...it saps my reason and my ability to cope. Right now, since I'm the go-to person for communication with our new sons, that's a bad thing for all of us...so Saturday night, I told the boys that I was going to bed early and they should ask Dad for anything they needed. I closed our bedroom door, read a while, then fell asleep before 9pm.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I could smell breakfast cooking and I heard quiet talking...but no TV. The boys were awake and Craig had made them breakfast. He said he expected them to turn on the TV but they didn't even ask. They were whispering because Mom was sleeping...and when I got up, they both gave me hugs before asking if they could watch TV if they kept the sound low. Wow...what a nice start to the day!

Our day got even better, too...around 1:00, Oleg and his wife picked us up and we went to the new Megacenter, a huge European style shopping mall. (When Oleg told him where we were going, Madiyar was reluctant to go along...but when he saw the place, his reluctance evaporated.) This place was amazing! It's multi-level, it has tons of stores, restaurants, a food court, even a grocery store...so why was this overstimulation palace a good place to take our boys? Because it also had the thing they needed most...a chance for them to get some exercise. First they had two turns each on the climbing wall; Madiyar got a bit nervous and only went part way up each time but Aniyar was fearless, going almost to the top both times. Next they went ice skating; Madiyar clearly knows how to skate and zoomed around the ice for most of the 30 minute period. Aniyar is obviously a beginner but he had fun and was beginning to get the hang of things near the end. After skating, we all needed a snack so we went to the food court. (Dad and I were thrilled to be able to get lattes!) Next, we went to Babylon Magic Park, a videogame and amusement park right inside the mall. The boys ran through the huge climbing maze twice and emerged dripping with sweat and grinning, then it was on to videogames. We finished our outing with grocery shopping (still in the mall), buying food for our dinner and some treats for the boys. Even Oleg and Natasha were having trouble controlling the boys in the store as they begged for everything that caught their eye but when Oleg told them we needed to go home, they didn't argue or sulk. We arrived back at the apartment about 6:00pm, tired but happy and much less stressed. As Craig unlocked the apartment door, Madiyar grinned at me and reminded me that we'd be flying to America in a few more days, then the boys carried in our groceries and unpacked them for us. Dinner was quick and easy, no arguments about bedtime, and they were out light the proverbial light, tired from all the exercise.

It's now Monday; we all slept in and are being a bit lazy. The boys wanted to call the boarding school in Ridder so we dialed up the main office there; it was a pleasure to see their faces light up as they spoke to the director and passed on messages to their friends. When they hung up, we got hugs from them both...we can see how much this contact meant to them and we're already figuring out how we can let them call from home. We've bargained chocolate bars in exchange for a bath so the boys are clean. We've just finished lunch and the boys are alternating between watching Clone Wars and playing GameBoy. This afternoon, we hope Nikolai will come by to help us get out of the apartment to break up the day.

We're getting closer to going home, only tomorrow with nothing to do but wait. Wednesday we'll be busy with our visit to the US Embassy (I love going there and talking with Americans...not to mention it signals the end of our process!), then it's packing for our flight. We leave on Lufthansa's 2:35am flight on Thursday, Wednesday afternoon at home in Salem.

Kate, Tanya and Max--We miss you guys so much and can't wait to be home with you all. Laura, our fabulous surrogate mom—we love you to pieces for staying with the kids and hanging in there during our delays. For the rest of our village who are helping to raise our kids in our absence, we send our heartfelt thanks for bringing our kids home from school, taking them to piano lessons, helping with homework, etc.--we owe you big time!

Will try to load pics with the next post...more later.

The latest news...

We are in Almaty, one small step closer to home. We arrived here Thursday afternoon and are staying in an apartment. The weather has been mild, mostly in the 30's during the day and sunny. The apartment is big and quite nice; the fact that it's a fourth floor walk up just gives us all a little more much needed exercise. A big supermarket is just a few blocks away and the boys are pretty pleased with the food we've been able to get there...roast chicken, varyeniki, pelmeni, salami...nope, eating isn't a problem.

We completed the boys' medical appointments on Friday so at least that is done. Unfortunately, we won't be going home on Sunday as originally planned due to the absent police official who needs to stamp the boys' travel visas...no remedy for that so we wait until his return on Sunday or Monday to get the visa applications stamped. Once we have the stamped applications, they have to be sent with the boys' passports to Astana for registration, then returned to Almaty so we can have our US Embassy interview which will allow the boys to enter the US. Of course, the US Embassy is closed on Monday for the MLK holiday and the first appointment we can get for our interview is on Wednesday...so here's the current plan. The visas/passports will registered in Astana on Monday and returned to Almaty on Tuesday morning, our docs here will be dropped at the embassy for preparation on Tuesday and we'll have our interview on Wednesday, then we'll fly out of Almaty at 2:35AM on Thursday to finally head home...phew!

We miss our friends in Ust and are longing for our family at home. Time is hanging a bit heavy for all of us; the boys are getting bored and Craig and I are feeling the stress but we're hanging in there as best we can. We celebrated Aniyar's birthday on Thursday with a few small gifts including two small remote control cars and both boys had fun playing with them in the apartment...at least until the batteries ran out. The boys have watched too much TV and played too many videogames; we've tried to get out of the apartment and walk around but that presents its own set of problems right now due to the overstimulation it presents to the boys; they get pretty wound up and don't have the best impulse control; they will run into the street without looking or wander away to look at something that attracts them which makes us somewhat nervous (that's code for it drives us crazy/scares us half to death). We've seen all these behaviors before with our other KZ kids and we know in time, it'll pass...but Tanya and Max were younger and easier to control when we adopted them; dealing with this behavior with an 11 and a 13 year old is a lot tougher.

Our moody Madiyar is the one who is testing us in ways that wouldn't be a big deal at home but are of concern here. For example, he got mad yesterday when we went out to buy new batteries for the little cars. He wanted us to buy Duracells (he's smart enough to know that Duracells have a much better life than the cheap Chinese batteries that are common around here) but the store only had 3 of them, enough for Aniyar's car but not his; we bought another brand of batteries for his car and this made him mad. (I know, I know...it's more the reaction you'd expect from a 3 year old than a 13 year old...and therein lies our dilemma.) We've quickly seen that when Madiyar's upset, his reaction is to distance himself from whatever is upsetting him. He tried to walk back to the apartment by himself...from the local grocery store at home once he knows his way around, this wouldn't be as big a deal and we'd probably let him walk to blow off steam and cool down...but in a big city like Almaty where he knows no one and doesn't even know which direction the apartment is in, it's a safety issue. Craig had to run him down to get him going in the right direction which didn't make Madiyar happy...but he did turn around and come with us. Once home, he went in the bedroom and sulked for a while, then I talked with him about the unsafe choices he had made. I gave him a consequence...no new batteries at all until he apologized to us for his behavior...and left him to sulk. It didn't last long; when he heard Aniyar happily running his car on the new battery power, he came to us and apologized, earning his new batteries. (Yeah, we know...he only apologized to get what he wanted....but for now, we'll take it.) Of course, Craig and I don't have any illusions that this problem is totally resolved. Just to be safe, we'll limit our shopping trips from now on. Last night, Craig stayed with the boys and I went to the store for groceries..it was less stressful for all of us, I think...except for the part where I had to carry all the bags home by myself!

Here's the good news...when I got back from the store, I was exhausted and in tears. How is this good news, you ask? Because when Craig opened the door for me and I stood in the doorway laden with heavy bags and crying, my 2 new sons jumped up to help me. I got much needed hugs from everyone first, then Craig helped me out of my coat and the boys took the bags from me. By the time I calmed down, the boys had put away the groceries and gotten me some water. I kept hearing them say to each other, “Mama's tired.” and “Help Mama with that!” These boys have good hearts and they're already bonding with us...everything else will work out over time.

I'll close with this...yesterday, Aniyar and Madiyar were shyly trying out their English, mostly counting and a few phrases like “Thank you” and “Good morning”. We went through sister, brother, mother, father...and I praised the boys for their efforts which pleased them both. Then all of a sudden, Madiyar said, “My family...” and broke into a huge grin. It touched me to hear those words from him and to see that smile...it's the smile I remember from the 8 year old boy we met in the summer of 2003. Whatever else we'll deal with as the boys adjust to their new life in America, especially with our teenage boy, we'll be OK.