Six month update...and the future looks brighter

OK, it's been a while since I posted and I'm sure our family and friends are wondering what calamity has befallen us. I'm happy to report that quite the contrary is true! We've been busy traveling to New Hampshire for the 4th of July, settling everyone into summer camps and classes, and planning for our trip to Florida next month. Yes, it's true...Aniyar has been doing so well at home and in his summer activities that we feel ready to make the trip we've dreamed of to visit our friends and family down south. We couldn't be more pleased! Here's a recap of recent events:

We spent 3 nights in NH over Independence Day, a travel trial run to see how Aniyar could do in a different setting. In short, we had a blast all weekend. The kids went fishing (caught nothing but had fun), swam, and played from dawn to dusk. Aniyar and Madiyar won 2nd place in a sand castle building contest...in 30 minutes, these artistic boys made an incredible castle that had a moat and gardens made from peat moss. They would have won 1st if not for the huge castle that another family started on the day before...but they were very pleased with their prize of beach toys and splash bombs. The kids all loved swimming endlessly, playing tennis and basketball, and eating non-stop. We loved seeing our kids enjoying themselves and finding common ground with each other. Some of my favorite memories include watching Aniyar and Max wading in the shallows at the edge of the lake in search of minnows and crayfish, watching Madiyar demonstrate his famous back flips and tumbling runs and then listening to his stories of how he and his friends taught themselves these skills in the orphanage. Best of all was watching our 5 kids chase each other through an open field in a game of tag as we waited for the local fireworks display, then huddle together under blankets to watch the show. We packed a lot into a short time; we enjoyed a cookout with our friends, and even managed a picnic by the river.


We also celebrated Max's 12th birthday in NH; we threw together an informal party in the recreation center. Max was thrilled to be allowed to choose an action movie from the rec center's DVD collection and view it on their large screen TV. We had a private room for the affair and Mom played caterer, serving barbecued chicken, watermelon, chips, and birthday cake. Max even had one of his best buddies at the party, not to mention all of his brothers and sisters. Even though his actual birthday was still a few days away, we gave him one of his gifts...a new set of swim fins, snorkel, and mask to use in the lake and pool.

OK, this post is long overdue and I know some of you are worried about us...don't fret, just know that we're fine and (who knew how busy we could be with 5 kids, therapy appts, summer school, sports camps, etc.) looking forwrd to a vacation in Fla starting Aug 14-22. Tonight we went to a minor league baseball game with all the kids, it was tons of fun even if we did get home later than our normal bedtime. More details later...did I mention that we're returning to NH this weekend for 2 nights? We really love the slower pace and the fun our kids have there. Adam and Sandi, we'll see you soon... We've rented a house on the beach for a week, we can't wait to see you guys, also Matt, Noah and Tina. A lot of Craig's family is coming to visit too...we're really blessed to have so many people who care for us!

More later--Dee

Rainy summer days

Well, here it is the end of June and it feels more like November...we've had two weeks of rain, drizzle, grey skies, and high humidity...gotta love New England weather. Of course, we refuse to let the crummy weather stop us so we slog along to our various events and activities which range from doctor visits to summer camps to the last few days of the school year for two of the kids. Poor Kate and Madiyar don't finish school until July 2 but at least this week, they're having fun activities like field day and beach day...if it doesn't rain.

Aniyar has been home almost 2 weeks now and we're all doing better than we had actually expected. He is responding well to the medications he's on and he's much less impulsive. I like the new psychiatrist who is monitoring his meds and supporting us as a family. Aniyar has also returned to therapy with our Russian child psychologist and she says he's responding well in her sessions with him. Aniyar is starting to test the boundaries a bit at home but no more than our other kids and he responds well to redirection now. He still has more energy than any kid I've ever met so he started a specialized therapeutic YMCA camp today which should give him a physical outlet. He'll be swimming twice a day, playing in the woods, doing outdoor adventure activities, and playing sports until 4:30 each day...and he's been assigned his own counselor to keep an eye on his behavior and redirect him as needed. Next week, he'll start summer school in the mornings, then go to the YMCA camp in the afternoons...our goal is to provide him the structure and support he needs while also letting him make friends and have fun in a safe setting.

Madiyar has been a bit conflicted about his brother's return. He was delighted to have him home but also a bit jealous of the attention Aniyar got at first. I think Madiyar was also worried about how Aniyar would behave with the other kids...and for the first few days, Madiyar took it upon himself to act as Aniyar's cultural guide in regard to our family dynamic, often whispering in Aniyar's ear to remind him to be polite to his sisters or to be kind to Max. It has been touching to see Madiyar trying to pull all of his siblings together. I can see him attempting to weave the threads of his relationship with Aniyar and then his relationships with all of us together into a new fabric...our family tapestry. Of course, don't get me wrong...Madiyar is also a 13 year old boy who can be as difficult as they come. Kate has nicknamed him "The Pouty Prince" because he tends to sulk when he doesn't get his way...

Of course, keep in mind that Kate is known as "The Drama Queen" and she comes by it honestly, especially now that she's a teen who will begin High School in the Fall. She now has an opinion on almost everything including the state of the economy, the environment, and world peace. She likes to stay up late and sleep until 10am on the weekends. She often finds her siblings immature and seeks "privacy", and her "own space" where she can read, dance, and write dark, angst-filled poetry. I can hear my mother laughing from the pearly gates...Kate is just like I was at this age, all dramatics and poetry, with her grandmother's love of dance and the Night Owl gene thrown in to boot.

Tanya completed 5th grade and is now officially a middle schooler. She's going to a YMCA summer camp each day, riding a boat to Children's Island in the middle of Salem Harbor where she spends the day swimming, sailing, kayaking, and playing games. She had her first overnight camping trip on the island last week and she loved it. It was family night so I took Kate, Madiyar and Aniyar out to the island for a picnic dinner; Tanya loved showing everyone around and taking the boys swimming in the saltwater pool...but I think she liked waving goodbye to us as we returned to the mainland and being allowed to stay overnight even better!

Max is in a summer playground camp; he spends each day at a nearby park where he plays tennis, kickball, dodgeball, baseball, and goes swimming under the watchful eye of his city recreation program counselors. He comes home every afternoon dirty, wet and tired...fine with me, it beats videogames and TV any day. Max also had a great thrill yesterday...his flag football team made it to the division tournament and he was able to play in the championship rounds. His team won 2 games and made it to the finals but were eliminated in the 3rd game....since it was drizzling the whole time, I don't think Max was too disappointed that he didn't have to continue to play in the rain...and Dad was proud of Max and glad to cheer him on but soaked to the skin and chilled to the bone by the time they got home.

We're all headed to New Hampshire for the July 4th weekend. We'll only be able to stay 3 nights but we'll make the most of it by leaving early on Friday since all the kids will be out of school, then returning on Monday...there's a cookout planned for Saturday and Aniyar wants to go fishing. The kids all want to take the inflatable boat out on the lake...now that we have 5 kids, Craig and I decided one rubber boat that seats 2 kids wasn't enough so we popped for a second one at Big Lots. ($20.00, we're such big spenders!) We can now seat 4 kids in boats and let the 5th wheel use a raft or inner tube. (This plan has already resulted in squabbling about who gets the first turn in the boats...there's nothing like sibling rivalry and bickering to make a Mom crazy...can't wait for the 3 hour drive in the van with all five kids!) There are also plans to celebrate Max's birthday in NH with a movie and ribs from his favorite BBQ place. We have friends who will also be there to help us keep an eye on the kids so it should be fun for all of us.

Now if it will just stop raining...

Home again...

After two months in a pediatric psych unit, Aniyar was released from the hospital yesterday and has spent his first night at home! It was a pleasure to see the smile Aniyar wore most of the afternoon and evening...and to see him interacting so positively with the rest of the family. He was a relaxed and happy kid last night, singing and dancing and being sweet and silly. He was able to accept limits and went to bed without complaint; he also was up and dressed for school this morning with no problems so we're off to a good start. We've missed Aniyar and we're grateful to have this chance to bring him home again...but we'll also be monitoring closely for signs of stress and any indication of the unsafe behaviors that led to Aniyar's hospitalization in the first place.

During Aniyar's visits home on day passes, we have been delighted to see a great improvement in his ability to control his impulsivity and behavior. We are optimistic about his return to family life but we're making sure we all have as much support as possible for Aniyar's special needs and for the safety of the rest of the family. I've spent the past week preparing for Aniyar's release, attending meetings with his case manager and educational team, consulting with his psychologist, finding a psychiatrist who can monitor his meds, and arranging for a therapeutic day camp and an extended year school program to support him during the summer months. The wonderful social workers from Adoption Journeys (a great resource for families dealing with post-adoptive issues like ours) have visited our kids here at home to help them prepare for Aniyar's return; they'll continue to do regular home visits which will give all the kids a chance to talk about their feelings. Then there are the therapy appointments and summer camps which will provide structure, support, and just plain fun for our other kids...and my new full-time job is born. I'm a mental health case manager/social director/bus driver...in addition to my other Mom duties. The other day, one of the kids asked me if I didn't just love summer because I didn't have as much work to do....HAH!!!!

Thanks again to all of you who are keeping us in your thoughts and prayers...we're grateful!

Finally Spring...and Summer

May and June are two of my favorite months because the time is chock full of special events. Between Mother's Day and Father's Day, we celebrate 2 birthdays, a wedding anniversary, and the end of the school year with all of the attendant ceremonies and activities.

In New England, May also usually means that the weather will actually be warm more often than not and the chance of snow is finally behind us. The old willow tree in our back yard is green again, the grass is growing in spite of our 3 greyhounds, and our vegetable garden is taking shape. Craig is cooking a lot of burgers and steak tips on the grill and we're all enjoying being outside more. On a couple of nice evenings, Craig and I have even been able to relax on our deck while the kids play basketball, street hockey, soccer, or catch until it's too dark to see the ball. Other times, we rush to feed everyone, then race off in different directions to get Tanya to a softball game, Max to flag football, or Kate to piano. We laugh a lot more these days and the atmosphere in our home is much more relaxed. It feels almost normal around here...but the reality is that we're still missing one of our 5 kids so nothing is really normal at all.

Aniyar has been in the hospital for 6 weeks now. He's still in a pediatric psychiatry unit in the Franciscan Children's Hospital in Boston where he's being evaluated and treated with therapy and medication for his impulsivity and his angry outbursts. We visit him frequently and have taken him out on passes both on and off the hospital grounds several times now. We were able to take him out to lunch with us on Mother's Day and he has been home to visit on the last 2 Saturdays. We do see some improvement in his ability to regulate his behavior and we're encouraged. We are hopeful that he might be able to rejoin us at home at some point as long as we can all be safe.

Time and the support systems we've accessed for the whole family have helped the rest of us to recover and regroup; we have help from social workers who visit us from a great group called Adoption Journeys. They support all of the kids as well as Mom and Dad. We also have on-going therapy for Madiyar who struggles greatly with his brother's absence...and for Max who is most anxious about Aniyar's return. The girls continue to do well with this roller coaster ride and Craig and I just keep hanging on with support from family, friends, and trusted advocates from our adoption community (Thanks, Ann and Leah!)

Life is even busier than ever now that my role as Mom also includes attending multiple IEP meetings for Madiyar, driving to Boston every few days for visits and family meetings for Aniyar, and continuing to support the other 3 kids as well. I feel like I spend most days in my minivan...or doing laundry...now if I could just put a washer and dryer in the minivan, I'd be all set.

Craig has taken on the primary role of sports enthusiast, adjusting his work schedule to take Tanya to her softball games and practices...the rest of us have watched parts of her games and one night we even cheered her on while we ate a family picnic supper...but Dad is the faithful fan who has been to every game. Little League softball has been Tanya's own form of therapy this spring; she's loving the physical activity and being a part of a team. She's making new friends and enjoying learning something that comes easy to her. Tanya is a good athlete; she's gained enough confidence that she asked the coach if she could pitch in the game they played on her 12th. birthday...and she got her wish. Our girl wasn't the best pitcher of the day...but it makes my eyes fill with tears to see her on the mound and know how far she has come in the 6 years she's been with us.

Max is doing well at school but struggling a bit at home...tonight he gave me a note telling me that he wanted to talk to me but he didn't want to interrupt since he knew I'd rather spend time with my new favorite son, Madiyar. Actually, I viewed this as huge progress for Max who has been really mad lately but not willing to talk about what's bothering him...his fear of being replaced. We were able to talk and I was able to remind my boy that he was my first son, my special boy and absolutely impossible to replace. (After all, how many other mothers have a son who is obsessed with squirrels and dreams of assembling a squirrel army to take over Canada?) We've turned a corner tonight as we've faced Max's worst fears about being sent away...no way, Squirrel! You're stuck with us and we'll always love you.

Kate continues to sail along through the year with her eyes on the prize...and this time, it's a gift card to a bookstore. She submitted a poem to a writing competition at her school and was selected as a finalist; she and the other finalists will read their works at a local bookstore tonight as a part of the competition. If she wins, I'm quite sure Kate will have the gift card spent before she lets us take her home...the child loves to read...so you won't be surprised to learn that her poem is entitled, "The Library", and is about one of her favorite places.

As for our Madiyar...this boy still delights and confounds us...and I must admit that he has a way of melting his new mom's heart. He can be rude and inappropriate and pretty darn annoying at times...but he can also be mature beyond his years and caring beyond measure. This is the boy who was recently suspended from school for kicking a teacher...arghh!!!...and the same boy who carefully picked out 12 items in the Dollar Store for Tanya's birthday, all painstakingly chosen to her interests and bought with his own money...awww! As for being suspended, I didn't want him thinking he was getting out of school that easily...so we brought his teacher and computer to the house every day and he did all of his work here at home. By the end of the suspension, he said he would never have a problem at school again; staying at home was just too boring! (Score one for Mom.) At home, our Madiyar is a gem, funny and kind and warm...and his English increases exponentially with each passing day, informed by friends and family, TV and Radio Disney. Yes, he sings along to all the songs in English...with a strong Russian accent and lots of enthusiasm.

Craig and I celebrated our 16th anniversary on May 29 with a quiet dinner at home (as quiet as it can get with all of our kids around). We fed the kids early and sent them off to watch movies and play videogames, then had our friends, Rick and Deb, over for a late evening grown-up dinner of salad and steaks on the grill. We shared a champagne toast and reminisced a bit, then called it a night. There was no expensive jewelry with lots of bling as a gift, no Ferrari with a bow on it in the driveway, no tickets for a 2nd honeymoon in Paris. Kate says we're boring and not very sentimental. (Our defense is that we shot the wad on 3 trips to Kazakhstan last year and our 2nd honeymoon was spent traveling the road between Ust-Kamenogorsk and Ridder.) At this point, the best gift of all for Mom and Dad is a peaceful evening at home and a good night's sleep...jeez, we really are boring...but never bored with our brood!

Our great kids

I've decided that we have an overabundance of negative energy and worry surrounding us at the moment and that's causing us to lose sight of the many positives we're experiencing. It's time to count our blessings..so here's what's new and wonderful.

Tanya got a 95 on her book report, a stellar accomplishment! She is also turning into a darn good softball player and loves her first season of Little League.

Max is playing flag football and loves it...and he also is really enjoying playing outside with Madiyar in the evenings. Our couch potato is starting to enjoy golf, soccer, and the kind of mischief only a pair of boys can get into...think bodily humor.

Kate has attended her first semi-formal dance...she was beautiful in purple and had a blast with her girlfriends. She's also received an award at school. She took the national mythology exam along with 20 other students from her school....and was one of only 2 kids who was awarded a silver medal for scoring between 92-99%. She's wearing the medal proudly...and telling us all one myth after another.

Madiyar is speaking an incredible amount of English now...truly amazing how much his language has changed in the past few weeks. He's also relaxed, funny, and fun to be with...and he's getting along so well with the other kids, figuring out how to interact with each of them on their own terms. He still has his moments of testing...but they're fewer and farther between each day. He misses Aniyar and wishes he would come home soon...but he's still trying his best to trust us to be the parents.

Aniyar has been transferred to a new hospital, Franciscan for Children in Boston, and so far, we're impressed with the services there. Our insurance company stunned us all by authorizing this additional hospital stay for Aniyar even after the first hospital said they felt he was ready to come home...when his insurance coverage ran out. We spoke with an amazingly supportive insurance representative who went to bat for us to place Aniyar in a step down program, a less restrictive environment where we could see if his impulsive and aggressive behaviors were in fact more under his control. In the first hour as I was admitting him, Aniyar tried to run away from the unit twice and it became clear to everyone that he wasn't safe to come home yet. He's being assessed and his medication is being adjusted; so far, there hasn't been much change in his impulsive behavior and he's still aggressive at times. We at least feel that this hospital is trying to respond to his needs and they are connecting us with support services for the whole family. We are starting to bring Aniyar out of the unit on passes so he can visit with us all...this weekend, we'll try taking him off the hospital grounds to see how he does.

We're hanging in there and trying to keep life as normal as we can. As I write this, Tanya, Max, and Madiyar are playing baseball in an empty parking lot behind the house; Kate is reading, the dogs are snoozing and Craig is catching up on the news. Soon it will be time for baths and bed...and there will be stalling, laughing, hugs, and bedtime rituals to be observed. We'll tuck everyone in for the night and then get some rest ourselves. Tomorrow is another day...it's spring here in New England, my flower garden is coming to life and hope is in the air...to all of you who are keeping us in your thoughts and prayers, know that we appreciate it. You're renewing our spirits...

Things we wish would never happen...

One day last week, I heard the wail of an ambulance siren and knew it had been called for my own child.

One day last week, I pulled up to my child's school and knew the paramedics and police were there because of my child's crisis.

One day last week, I committed my child to a pediatric psychiatric unit.

Sometimes things don't turn out exactly as we hope...and when you adopt older kids with a troubled history, it's probably better to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. That's pretty much where we are right now.

Our new sons have been with us for 3 months and their transition has been increasingly challenging. Both boys have had problems adjusting to life in a family, following family rules, and being socially appropriate. Both boys have been really wild, especially at night when we're trying to get everyone ready for bed. A good night's sleep has been fairly impossible for everyone as the boys sought to control us all with their disruptive behaviors long past bed time; our home has been fraught with tension as Craig and I have struggled to keep order and enforce family rules. Both boys have had even bigger problems adjusting to school...neither one of them can be mainstreamed into a regular classroom at this point due to their anxiety, educational deficits, and behavior.

Madiyar is now receiving one-on-one instruction at school and is responding pretty well most of the time to a behavior modification system at school and at home. He's really trying to regulate his behavior and he has bonded well with us. We see him making progress even though many days it feels like he makes 2 steps forward and then one backward...but he's learning English quickly and the better communication is helping him to feel more comfortable now.

Unfortunately, the same progress hasn't really been made with Aniyar and it's now becoming clear that our youngest son has more problems than just cultural transition and language. Aniyar's behavior has been so inappropriate and unsafe that he had to be moved from the regular school where Tanya and Max attend to a program for kids with emotional and behavioral problems...and even that program has not been able to address his needs. Aniyar is sweet and charming one minute and then angry and aggressive the next; he has choked students, punched teachers, and tried to injure himself. At home, his behavior is marginally better than at school but still frightening; he lacks impulse control of any kind and has to be watched constantly to prevent behaviors that are unsafe for him or his siblings. We've tried everything we can think of...star charts, rewards for good behavior, therapy with our Russian child psychologist...and nothing has worked. As time has gone on, our other kids have regressed, expressing fear and confusion at their brother's behavior...and Craig and I have become more and more exhausted as we try to hold everything together.

Last Tuesday wasn't the first time Aniyar attacked one of his teachers and had to be placed in the crisis room...but this time, the teachers couldn't calm him down after 40 minutes of raging. When they called me to come and pick him up, it was clear that bringing him home wasn't an option. We had finally reached the point our psychologist had warned us about...Aniyar needed to be hospitalized in order to get some help. It took all day at the emergency room to assess his needs, determine that he was a danger to himself and others, and then find him a bed in a psych unit for kids. It was 7:30pm by the time we finally got him admitted and by that time, he was calm, asking to go home and telling me he would be a good boy at school the next day. Sad...

Where are we now? Aniyar has been in the hospital for a week now and we don't see much change in him. The psychiatrists tried him on a patch medication to reduce his aggressive behaviors and improve his impulse control but Aniyar wouldn't keep the patch on. They're trying other medications now...but Aniyar resists taking them. They also have him on a behavior chart...maybe they'll have better luck with that than we had. Sadly, even with meds and behavior charts, Aniyar is still acting out aggressively towards other patients and staff from time to time. We just don't know what will happen next.

As for the rest of us, we have an unnatural calm at home; evenings are much more quiet and bedtime is observed.The tension in the house has reduced greatly and we're all getting more rest. Madiyar misses his brother but seems to understand that he needs help; he seems to be trusting that we are trying our best for Aniyar. Since Madiyar has always been his brother's primary caretaker, this is significant; he has bonded with us enough to let us be the parents and to allow himself to be a kid.

We visit Aniyar every day; we miss him but are relieved that he is in a safe environment where he can be assessed and given the help he needs. We don't know what tomorrow will bring but we'll face it as a family...

Things to remember

When it's late and I'm tired after a really challenging day, here are the things I try to to keep in mind. Even though we had weeping and wailing from all of our kids today, we also had some really great moments. For example, Madiyar had a great day at school and I loved celebrating that with him. Max had some struggles but he really worked hard at seeing the positives and he played well with his brothers...and he is still the best squirrel I ever had. Aniyar had a great time playing with his Dad tonight and Tanya found a way to join in and forgive some earlier linguistic misunderstandings. Tanya also showed me again how far she's come...it was 5 years ago today that she arrived in America and now she's a bossy, Jonas Brothers-loving 5th grader. As for Kate...well, she's Kate...and except for a minor meltdown when she forgot to prepare for her piano lesson today and was sure the world had stopped spinning (did I mention that this is Kate, AKA Drama Queen?), we worked things out. At the end of the day we had hugs and I love you's from all the kids, then we celebrated our 12 year old dog's b-day, singing and a cake made of bread and peanut butter was involved. All's well that ends well...now sleep.