Losing Our Joy

The past month has been bittersweet to say the least, ever since two of our 3 greyhounds were diagnosed with bone cancer. We've tried our best to keep our old girls comfortable with pain meds without sacrificing their quality of life...and we've been spoiling them rotten with lots of attention and tasty treats. We've also tried our best to prepare our kids for the inevitable...illness and death are never easy and for our kids, it's particularly difficult to accept. Max suggested that we just get the dogs robot legs and they would be fine; Aniyar didn't seem to understand at all; the other 3 kids struggled with the idea of putting the dogs to sleep when the time comes. Craig and I have tried to explain that we will do all we can to keep the dogs with us as long as we can...but when they no longer enjoy life and are suffering, it's time to let them go. For our Joy, that time came over the past weekend.

Joy's cancer was in her right foreleg, causing the bone to weaken rapidly. Her leg developed a tennis ball size swelling that was rock hard and hot to the touch, making it impossible for her to bend her leg and support her weight on it. Her back legs also weakened rapidly so that by the weekend, she could no longer stand without help and had to be carried up and down the stairs. She became incontinent, losing control of her bladder frequently. It was hard for her to lay down and she kept licking her sore leg. The vet said the bone was probably fracturing as it weakened and said all they could do was amputate the leg to reduce her pain...but it wouldn't save her life. We made the hard choice and encouraged the kids to say their goodbyes. The girls sat with Joy, stroking her and singing to her, feeding her tidbits of cheese and other tasty morsels...the one thing Joy never lost was her appetite. The boys wrapped themselves up in videogames and denial, avoiding a final goodbye as we left for the vet. Kate went with us, comforting Joy during the ride. On Sunday afternoon, just 3 weeks after her diagnosis, Craig carried Joy into the vet's office and we held her and cried like babies as she was put to sleep. We could see her relax, could see her pain ease...and then our tail-wagging, sweet tempered, enthusiastic, goofy, gorgeous silver brindle drew her last breath. Our Joy is gone.

Painful as it is, death can bring its own lessons. Our kids have been observing us closely as we go through this process of caring for our sick pups. They've asked questions like this one from Tanya as she watched me hand-feed Rika her dinner, "Doesn't the dog food feel gross when you pick it up and when she licks it out of your hand?" "Yes, it does, sweetie...but it's hard for Rika to bend her head down now to get the food from her bowl. I love her so I help her by feeding her." Tanya thought about this for a minute, then said, "Can I try?" Then there's Max who has watched me mop up dog pee several times a day the past few weeks, vowing that he'd never do anything so disgusting...but when I ran to the store last week and he was alone with Joy who struggled to get up, cried in pain and then peed all over the kitchen floor, my boy mopped it up and sat with Joy, feeding her peanut butter ("...to keep her calm, Mom") until I got home. Then there's Kate who smiles through her tears and swears that Joy is free and happy now ("I felt her, Mama, she told me she's OK!") and Madiyar, my strong, silent boy who met us at the car when we came home from the vet, wrapped his arms around us and held on tight because he knew we needed a hug...and even Aniyar who doesn't quite understand and who keeps asking, "No Joy?", then says, "Mama sad..." and pats my back, senses the loss. Yes, Aniyar, you're right...no Joy...and Mama is sad...but I'm also proud of our kids and the lessons they've learned about caring even in loss.

Madiyar's birthday

Madiyar turned 14 yesterday...what a difference a year makes. Here's what he tells us he did on his 13th birthday in Kazakhstan: the older boys in his boarding school helped him sneak out of the 2nd floor window and into the woods of Ridder for a party to celebrate his becoming a teenager. He says the boys stole money from some of the teachers' purses to buy food and drinks. They gave him vodka and taught him how to huff gasoline...he says he saw lions chasing him and he was scared...but it was the celebration they gave him to mark his rite of passage into manhood.


Yesterday, our oldest son celebrated his fourteenth birthday, the first since he joined our family...and it was all about giving him back some childhood. Ever since he arrived, Madiyar has been taking note of the birthday rituals observed by our family and asking me if he, too, would get the special treatment that his brothers and sisters have gotten. He's been increasingly excited as his special day approached and he's loved the little perks of the birthday child in our house. As such, he did the following:

Made a birthday wish list and hung it on the fridge for all to see weeks in advance
Revised said list frequently as he came up with more wishes
Got to choose the menu for his birthday dinner (he picked takeout Chinese)
Checked the mailbox each day to see if he got birthday cards addressed just to him (he did)
Chose the type and flavor of birthday cake complete with his name on it
Received a gift as soon as he woke up in the morning (soccer shin guards)
Sat in the specially decorated birthday seat of honor at our dining table
Blew out the candles and enjoyed presents from all of us after dinner
Tried out his new roller blades even though it was dark outside
Got one last gift right before bed (comic books)
Got a hug from Mom and leftover birthday cake for breakfast the next morning!

And tomorrow, we'll all head to Roller Palace for Madiyar's birthday party. He's invited a friend from school and his brothers and sisters. He even had a celebration at school in honor of his first b-day in America; his ELL class brought in treats, made him cards, and decorated the room with streamers. Someone gave him a cool new soccer ball...he was grinning from ear to ear at the end of the day.

It should be noted that there was no vodka or gasoline involved in this birthday and the boy was in bed shortly after 10pm...but he was allowed to read one of his new comic books. Pretty tame stuff compared with a year ago but he didn't seem to mind. I think he's waited a lifetime to be spoiled a bit...and he told me recently that he doesn't want to grow up too fast. Smart kid, isn't he?

Beginnings and endings

As summer draws to a close and a hint of fall wafts in on the morning breeze here in New England, I find myself turning contemplative. After all, Autumn is a time of inherent contradiction which lends itself to philosophical musings about change. This fall is all about change for us, some very good and some very sad.

As the leaves turn vibrant and the air crisps, we're facing the beginning of a new school year with a mixture of excitement and trepidation...even though our kids claim to want summer to last forever, they all got a bit bored and were ready to see their friends again. The older 3 have all been back to school for almost 2 weeks now and have all settled in well. Tanya was worried about starting middle school but has now decided she likes being one of the big kids...especially since she now has a later bedtime! Kate is thrilled to be back at school and is enjoying the designation of high school student...and Madiyar has started 8th grade and happily joined the school soccer team, earning the right to practice with the high school students because of his advanced skill level. Aniyar and Max start school this coming Wednesday, not a moment too soon in my opinion since they are both witchy and bored all day with no sibs to play with. All 5 kids are acting like true siblings, bickering one minute and playing together the next. We've come a long way as a family and now that things have settled down, we are anticipating a fun fall as we share some of our favorite activities with Aniyar and Madiyar for the first time...the Topsfield Fair and Halloween being at the top of the list.

Unfortunately, we have reason to believe that the next few months will also bring us great sadness. Our greyhound, Rika, was diagnosed with bone cancer in her right shoulder last week. As if that wasn't enough, our other old greyhound, Joy, started limping badly...and when we took her in to the vet yesterday, she was diagnosed with bone cancer in the right leg. Both of our girls are 12 years old, an advanced age for greys, and we're grateful that we've had 9 wonderful years with them...but this news is hard. There's no cure...nothing we can do but keep them comfortable with pain meds and spoil them for the time they have left. Our young boy grey, Fletch, is most confused because no one will run and play with him now...I'm not sure he will like being an only dog. As for the rest of us, we're taking it a day at a time and trying to savor the days we have left with Rika and Joy.

Having already experienced too many losses in their young lives, my adopted kids don't do change well...but in this case, Kate, Mom and Dad are right there with them. Some changes, while a part of the natural order of things, still stink.

What we did on our summer vacation…

We flew to Florida with our 5 kids, effectively filling more than one full row of the aircraft and drawing comments from ticket agents, ground crew and flight attendants re: the size of our family.

In light of the fact that JetBlue doesn’t serve meals, Mom the Thrifty packed a healthy dinner for our family to eat on the plane. I was very proud of my fruit, cheese, crackers, and yogurt plates that I was planning to offer my darlings while winging our way south…who knew that yogurt was considered a liquid and therefore banned by the FAA? Say goodbye to the Activia, kids…it ended up in the trash at security. Oh, yeah, guess what? Hummus is also a liquid according to the FAA so the treat I packed for Mom and Dad went in the trash also. Live and learn.

We now know that ushering 5 kids through an airport is like herding cats. We also learned that ushering 5 tired, hungry and excited kids through a strange airport, baggage claim, and a wait at the car rental counter too close to the children’s bedtime is like transporting volatile substances on your person. In order to avoid spontaneous combustion, we made an emergency pit stop at Checkers for burgers, fries and milk shakes, then completed our day’s travels with another 30 minutes in the car to a repeated chorus of “Are we there yet?”.

We experienced the joys of attempting to explain to our new sons that our rental van wasn’t ours to keep…nor was the beach house we rented on the Gulf of Mexico.

We remembered that Florida is really, really hot in August…as in almost Africa hot. On the positive side, the Gulf water was a perfect 90 degrees, just the way I like it!

We introduced our new sons to our Florida family, just about frying their poor brains with the effort of figuring out who was related to whom. After a few days of family visits, dinners, an overnight to Orlando to meet some more cousins, and a family reunion picnic in the park with almost all of Craig’s relatives, the boys were a bit overwhelmed. Luckily, when overload set in, we could take the kids back to the beach and let them swim and play to relieve their tension headaches..

Aniyar discovered lizards and the fun that can be had chasing them. All 3 boys spent a lot of time in this pursuit, even caught a few…then Mom had to explain why we couldn’t bring the lizards home as pets.

The kids also loved discovering coquinas, the tiny colored shellfish that burrow in the sand at the water’s edge…and Mom had to explain why we couldn’t bring the coquinas home as pets.

We showed the kids the areas marked off on the beach where sea turtle nests were located…sigh…no, Aniyar, we can’t bring a baby turtle home as a pet.

We enjoyed the beautiful sea oats that have been planted on the beach to help with erosion…they’re protected and picking them can result in a very stiff fine…no, Aniyar, really, Mama doesn’t want you to pick them….nooooo!!

Kate enjoyed convincing her brothers to bury her in the sand so she looked like a mermaid complete with tail…and Aniyar and Max were more than happy to dump wet sand on their big sister.

Madiyar liked learning to body surf on a rare day when there were waves due to a tropical storm…and during the summer thunderstorms, the kids all liked doing arts and crafts and playing with games that our relatives provided. Tanya, Kate and I painted each other’s nails and pasted on tiny gems. The boys loved drawing and painting and Max especially liked the Lego set he got from Grandma’s store. The beach toys that cousin Matt provided were also a huge hit…but all the kids liked swimming with Matt just about better than anything.

Grandma Schoelles gets the award for the best way to keep 5 kids busy while grown-ups chat…she gave each of them a $5 gift certificate to The Coffee Mill, her store which obviously sells coffee but also stocks yummy candy and small toys. (Here's a pic of Craig's mom and sibs at the Mill.) On our last day in Florida, our brood spent a long time quietly perusing Grandma’s shelves and making their selections. Some chose candy, some gum, some trinkets…and they all had cookies and frozen treats from the coffee bar. Kate helped Grandma price some new stock and Tanya did some sweeping up of spilled coffee beans, too…I think the girls are angling for a summer job in the future!

We flew back to Massachusetts after a week of sun and fun and were reminded once more that one of the best things about going away is the coming home again…we ended our vacation with Chinese takeout and snuggles with our dogs.

(BTW, for those of you who are wondering how we’re doing, rest easy. Life is almost normal again here in Witch City. We’re gearing up for a new school year and looking forward to fall. Our kids are adjusting well now and family life is much less dramatic these days. Aniyar is still a challenge but his medications have made a huge difference in his ability to function positively and control his impulses. We are proof positive of better living through chemistry!)

Is it August already?

We just returned from two nights in the White Mountains and couldn't be much more pleased. We had a great weekend of the old-fashioned variety, more like the kind of fun Craig and I had as kids than what our kids do today. We arrived at our condo in NH on Friday afternoon, had a quick dinner and headed to the pool for an evening swim. Saturday morning, we took a deep breath and turned the kids loose to swim in the lake...it's so wonderful that we've come so far in our bonding and trust level that we know they will watch out for each other! We checked in with them frequently and were pleased to see them having fun but being safe and looking out for each other. It's also simply amazing that Aniyar has come so far that we can let him join the other kids; after a month of his therapeutic camp and swim lessons, he is a much stronger swimmer...and his new meds make him less impulsive...and all of his siblings now keep a watchful eye on him. The kids spent most of the day swimming (Tanya and Madiyar) and chasing small catfish (Aniyar and Max); Kate and Mom ventured into the Pemi River and spent some time building a dam and a footbridge out of smooth river rocks; Dad watched some TV and snoozed, something that almost never happens. Our evening was spent munching popcorn and watching movies and the History Channel after dinner. Sunday morning came early and included Dad making pancakes, corned beef hash, and eggs for kids who frankly wanted to be at the lake instead of eating...but the weather was not kind and everyone ended up back in our condo watching Scooby-Do movies (Aniyar's favorite) until lunchtime. Then we headed home, arriving around 4:30 and greeting our dogs with wild abandon on both sides. As Tanya said, it's nice to go away but even better to come home again. We concluded our weekend with our Sunday family movie night, takeout Chinese food, and ice cream...life is really good and we're so grateful. It feels like we've turned a corner...

Six month update...and the future looks brighter

OK, it's been a while since I posted and I'm sure our family and friends are wondering what calamity has befallen us. I'm happy to report that quite the contrary is true! We've been busy traveling to New Hampshire for the 4th of July, settling everyone into summer camps and classes, and planning for our trip to Florida next month. Yes, it's true...Aniyar has been doing so well at home and in his summer activities that we feel ready to make the trip we've dreamed of to visit our friends and family down south. We couldn't be more pleased! Here's a recap of recent events:

We spent 3 nights in NH over Independence Day, a travel trial run to see how Aniyar could do in a different setting. In short, we had a blast all weekend. The kids went fishing (caught nothing but had fun), swam, and played from dawn to dusk. Aniyar and Madiyar won 2nd place in a sand castle building contest...in 30 minutes, these artistic boys made an incredible castle that had a moat and gardens made from peat moss. They would have won 1st if not for the huge castle that another family started on the day before...but they were very pleased with their prize of beach toys and splash bombs. The kids all loved swimming endlessly, playing tennis and basketball, and eating non-stop. We loved seeing our kids enjoying themselves and finding common ground with each other. Some of my favorite memories include watching Aniyar and Max wading in the shallows at the edge of the lake in search of minnows and crayfish, watching Madiyar demonstrate his famous back flips and tumbling runs and then listening to his stories of how he and his friends taught themselves these skills in the orphanage. Best of all was watching our 5 kids chase each other through an open field in a game of tag as we waited for the local fireworks display, then huddle together under blankets to watch the show. We packed a lot into a short time; we enjoyed a cookout with our friends, and even managed a picnic by the river.


We also celebrated Max's 12th birthday in NH; we threw together an informal party in the recreation center. Max was thrilled to be allowed to choose an action movie from the rec center's DVD collection and view it on their large screen TV. We had a private room for the affair and Mom played caterer, serving barbecued chicken, watermelon, chips, and birthday cake. Max even had one of his best buddies at the party, not to mention all of his brothers and sisters. Even though his actual birthday was still a few days away, we gave him one of his gifts...a new set of swim fins, snorkel, and mask to use in the lake and pool.

OK, this post is long overdue and I know some of you are worried about us...don't fret, just know that we're fine and (who knew how busy we could be with 5 kids, therapy appts, summer school, sports camps, etc.) looking forwrd to a vacation in Fla starting Aug 14-22. Tonight we went to a minor league baseball game with all the kids, it was tons of fun even if we did get home later than our normal bedtime. More details later...did I mention that we're returning to NH this weekend for 2 nights? We really love the slower pace and the fun our kids have there. Adam and Sandi, we'll see you soon... We've rented a house on the beach for a week, we can't wait to see you guys, also Matt, Noah and Tina. A lot of Craig's family is coming to visit too...we're really blessed to have so many people who care for us!

More later--Dee

Rainy summer days

Well, here it is the end of June and it feels more like November...we've had two weeks of rain, drizzle, grey skies, and high humidity...gotta love New England weather. Of course, we refuse to let the crummy weather stop us so we slog along to our various events and activities which range from doctor visits to summer camps to the last few days of the school year for two of the kids. Poor Kate and Madiyar don't finish school until July 2 but at least this week, they're having fun activities like field day and beach day...if it doesn't rain.

Aniyar has been home almost 2 weeks now and we're all doing better than we had actually expected. He is responding well to the medications he's on and he's much less impulsive. I like the new psychiatrist who is monitoring his meds and supporting us as a family. Aniyar has also returned to therapy with our Russian child psychologist and she says he's responding well in her sessions with him. Aniyar is starting to test the boundaries a bit at home but no more than our other kids and he responds well to redirection now. He still has more energy than any kid I've ever met so he started a specialized therapeutic YMCA camp today which should give him a physical outlet. He'll be swimming twice a day, playing in the woods, doing outdoor adventure activities, and playing sports until 4:30 each day...and he's been assigned his own counselor to keep an eye on his behavior and redirect him as needed. Next week, he'll start summer school in the mornings, then go to the YMCA camp in the afternoons...our goal is to provide him the structure and support he needs while also letting him make friends and have fun in a safe setting.

Madiyar has been a bit conflicted about his brother's return. He was delighted to have him home but also a bit jealous of the attention Aniyar got at first. I think Madiyar was also worried about how Aniyar would behave with the other kids...and for the first few days, Madiyar took it upon himself to act as Aniyar's cultural guide in regard to our family dynamic, often whispering in Aniyar's ear to remind him to be polite to his sisters or to be kind to Max. It has been touching to see Madiyar trying to pull all of his siblings together. I can see him attempting to weave the threads of his relationship with Aniyar and then his relationships with all of us together into a new fabric...our family tapestry. Of course, don't get me wrong...Madiyar is also a 13 year old boy who can be as difficult as they come. Kate has nicknamed him "The Pouty Prince" because he tends to sulk when he doesn't get his way...

Of course, keep in mind that Kate is known as "The Drama Queen" and she comes by it honestly, especially now that she's a teen who will begin High School in the Fall. She now has an opinion on almost everything including the state of the economy, the environment, and world peace. She likes to stay up late and sleep until 10am on the weekends. She often finds her siblings immature and seeks "privacy", and her "own space" where she can read, dance, and write dark, angst-filled poetry. I can hear my mother laughing from the pearly gates...Kate is just like I was at this age, all dramatics and poetry, with her grandmother's love of dance and the Night Owl gene thrown in to boot.

Tanya completed 5th grade and is now officially a middle schooler. She's going to a YMCA summer camp each day, riding a boat to Children's Island in the middle of Salem Harbor where she spends the day swimming, sailing, kayaking, and playing games. She had her first overnight camping trip on the island last week and she loved it. It was family night so I took Kate, Madiyar and Aniyar out to the island for a picnic dinner; Tanya loved showing everyone around and taking the boys swimming in the saltwater pool...but I think she liked waving goodbye to us as we returned to the mainland and being allowed to stay overnight even better!

Max is in a summer playground camp; he spends each day at a nearby park where he plays tennis, kickball, dodgeball, baseball, and goes swimming under the watchful eye of his city recreation program counselors. He comes home every afternoon dirty, wet and tired...fine with me, it beats videogames and TV any day. Max also had a great thrill yesterday...his flag football team made it to the division tournament and he was able to play in the championship rounds. His team won 2 games and made it to the finals but were eliminated in the 3rd game....since it was drizzling the whole time, I don't think Max was too disappointed that he didn't have to continue to play in the rain...and Dad was proud of Max and glad to cheer him on but soaked to the skin and chilled to the bone by the time they got home.

We're all headed to New Hampshire for the July 4th weekend. We'll only be able to stay 3 nights but we'll make the most of it by leaving early on Friday since all the kids will be out of school, then returning on Monday...there's a cookout planned for Saturday and Aniyar wants to go fishing. The kids all want to take the inflatable boat out on the lake...now that we have 5 kids, Craig and I decided one rubber boat that seats 2 kids wasn't enough so we popped for a second one at Big Lots. ($20.00, we're such big spenders!) We can now seat 4 kids in boats and let the 5th wheel use a raft or inner tube. (This plan has already resulted in squabbling about who gets the first turn in the boats...there's nothing like sibling rivalry and bickering to make a Mom crazy...can't wait for the 3 hour drive in the van with all five kids!) There are also plans to celebrate Max's birthday in NH with a movie and ribs from his favorite BBQ place. We have friends who will also be there to help us keep an eye on the kids so it should be fun for all of us.

Now if it will just stop raining...