Living with Fetal Alcohol Effect (FAE)

I have 5 great kids...they are kind and loving (at least most of the time) and they make me laugh. I'm lucky to have them and I cherish them more than they would ever believe...but some of them have some hefty challenges. Unfortunately, four of the five are not my biological children (I'm honored to parent them in any case!) Fate hasn't treated them equally; all 4 of my adopted kids have post-traumatic stress disorder from early abuse and neglect and two of my kids suffer from the effects of their birthmothers drinking during pregnancy. The impact on these kids is nothing short of astounding...and I wish with all my heart that I could wave my magic wand to make these problems disappear...but it's not that simple.

Here's what I mean...I have a beautiful 13 year old girl who is painfully aware that she is 2 years behind her grade level in school. She is sweet and she works very hard...but she knows that her memory is weak and it takes her a long time to learn certain concepts. She's embarrassed by her learning deficits which are totally not of her own doing.  Ironically, she's the lucky one of my two kids who were exposed to alcohol prenatally. She has mild FAE but she is filling many of her developmental gaps with support at school and at home. Socially , she can be impulsive and is easily influenced by her peers so we keep a watchful eye, trying to balance her need for independence with our concerns for her safety. We believe that she'll complete her high school education and college through sheer grit and determination, growing up to be a functional young woman of uncommon beauty and kindness...she has to weather the storm of adolescence first but she's a gutsy girl who never gives up.

I also have an almost 13 year old who can't read or write beyond his name. Due to the cognitive damage caused by his more severe FAE, he functions much closer to an 8 or 9 year old than his chronological age...he is affectionate, happy, and helpful and doesn't demonstrate much of an awareness of his learning deficits. He is also physically small and appears much younger than his age, a blessing since it helps him to fit in better with his 4th and 5th grade classmates. With special education support, he is progressing at school even if it is a laborious process for him. His rages of a year and half ago are gone now, except for the occasional temper tantrum which blows over quickly. He still likes to cuddle with Mom, something most boys his age would avoid at all costs...but he never had a mom to cuddle with before so we'll make up for lost time with plenty of hugs as long as he likes. It's unclear at this point how he will meet the state standards to graduate from high school; right now, I'm hoping for basic literacy skills. We watch our boy closely since he is still very impulsive and not safety conscious; he also still can't remember our last name, our phone number, or our address...I have the info written in his backpack and in several other places as a safety measure...so his independence is limited to occasional excursions to movies or the videogame store with his "older" siblings (two of them are chronologically only 6 months older than he is) who are armed with cell phones if Mom or Dad are needed. We suspect that the future may hold some form of supported employment and living arrangement for our son; only time will tell how much can be done to offset the damage done by his FAE and early trauma.

If I could have just one wish, I would turn back the clock and erase the alcohol exposure from my kids' lives...

Rubber Ducky Regatta

Lest you think we don't have a life other than The House renovation project, I thought I'd better post a few pics from some of our recent family outings.

We spent Labor Day weekend in NH where we attended this cool charity event at Cascades Park in North Woodstock. We sponsored rubber duckies in a race over the river rapids in support of childhood leukemia research; almost 2,000 ducks were released into the Pemi river. We cheered on our entrants and watched the kids jump in the water to help the ducks along when they went astray. It was a lot of fun even though our ducks didn't win any prizes.

My girls loved this giant ducky

My boys liked fooling around.

Waiting for the ducks

And they're off!

Can you find Kate and Tanya sitting on the riverbank?

Almost 3 months after closing...

...we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have torn down walls and ceilings as needed, framed new walls and sheetrocked, and now we're on to finishing work. John, the plasterer, is a genius at his craft; it almost makes me cry to watch him create perfect new walls and ceilings. We have new doors, new locks, new lights, even new doorbells. Our electricians (Dave and Jamie) are practically members of the family...they've worked to remove the old knob and tube wiring in the house, then replaced all the wiring...and they've been at it for about 6 weeks now. Our plumber Charlie has installed a new hot water system and will be connecting our new gas stove as well as our new steam dryer and washer. Today, our kitchen guy (Les) started work; he tore out the old tile countertop and backsplash and began the prep for refacing the cabinets. He'll work through the weekend so we'll be ready for our new Silestone countertop to be templated on Tuesday. The Silestone has been ordered, our new sink is set for delivery tomorrow, and the faucet and disposal are already here. Our hardwood floors will be refinished sometime next week and the carpet for the stairs (so we don't kill ourselves on them!) will be installed next Friday. After a long wait, things are moving quickly.

The living room wallpaper and trim is done!

Welcome to our new house...demolition derby style

Our work continues...and I promised you pics so here they are. My men have been destroying walls and tearing down ceilings, don't they look like they've been having fun? The first shot is of Max working hard to tear out a wall in Mom and Dad's new bedroom. The next shot is of Dad and Madiyar after tearing down the kitchen ceiling. Plaster and lathe is an ugly thing to deal with...

Bad blogger!

Here I am, hanging my head in shame...it's been a month since my last post and that's not the only thing I'm behind on. I haven't answered emails, returned phone calls, or gone to the gym. I barely manage to cover the basic necessities of personal hygiene each day. There's been an alarming increase in the number of Pop Tarts being consumed for breakfast and an equally distressing increase in the number of takeout meals that are being consumed for dinner in the evening. On top of everything else, I ache all over (especially my hands) and all I want to do is sleep.

Gasp! What could be wrong, you ask? Is it chronic fatigue syndrome?? Is it clinical depression? Lyme disease? Menopause? Nooo...it's worse. My condition is caused by (dramatic organ chords here)...The House. Yes, it's true. Our recently acquired 100 year old house is getting a facelift before we move in; each day, we have electricians, plumbers, carpenters, general contractors, and a host of other tradespeople swarming over the place...and then there's the painting. Most days, there's only one painter working...and that would be me. Oh, the kids show up from time to time and give me a hand but now that school's back in session, our days go something like this:

6:15am--Life-giving latte is delivered to bedside by Dad (without which the rest of life as we know it would not take place)
6:30am--Chef Mom is up and starting breakfast for 5 kids. (OK, how hard are Pop Tarts?)
7:00am--Bus picks up first kid for school; Mom waves blearily from door.
8:00am--Bus driver Mom transports other 4 kids to school
8:30am--Chef/housekeeper Mom returns home to start dinner prep, throw in laundry, pay bills
9:30am--Mom the Painter heads to The House to begin the work day
9:35am-1:30pm--Multiple coats of primer and paint are applied to walls, closets, ceilings, etc. from basement to 3rd floor...to infinity and beyond.
1:35pm--Painter Mom is sighted in the local grocery picking up fresh vegetables for dinner...and more Pop Tarts. Cashiers begin to whisper about the new fashion statement Painter Mom is making...Bag Lady clothes with a different paint hue each day...hmmm.
2:45pm--Painter/Shopper Mom returns home in time to shower and greet the bus dropping the youngest child at the door at 3:00pm; homework support is provided by newly transformed (and slightly damp) Teacher Mom.
4:00pm--Bus driver Mom picks up other 4 kids from school.
4:10pm--Teacher Mom helps with homework while Chef Mom completes dinner preparations. (or orders take-out Chinese...or pizza...or selected other delivery du jour meals.) Various other tasks are accomplished as needed (i.e. field trip permission slips, after school snacks, more laundry, emptying lunch boxes, answering questions about boys, world peace, girls, why the sky is blue, prime factors, and the best outfit for picture day, etc.)
5:30pm--Referee Mom mediates a few disputes between siblings while Chef Mom beats the starving Mongol hordes back from the food prepared for family dinner. The bottomless fruit bowl is offered to appease the hordes until Dad returns from the salt mines to join the clan for dinner.
6:30pm--Dad arrives amid fanfare and trumpets, greeted by the children with enthusiasm (Dad's home! Now we can eat!!!).
6:38pm--First child has swallowed dinner whole and is asking to be excused.  Miss Manners Mom refuses and asks first child to tell us about his/her day. Mandated polite dinner conversation ensues.
6:45pm--4 other children complete dinner and ask to be excused. Miss Manners Mom sighs deeply and excuses said children.
7:00pm--2 greyhounds begin to whine and beg for a walk. Mom and Dad walk said greys to The House for the nightly progress inspection.
7:30pm--Mom and Dad receive various cell phone calls from children re: ice cream, TV viewing, equity and fairness issues, etc.
8:00pm-- Bedtime Mom is in the house. All TVs and electronics are turned off, showers are started, teeth are brushed, books are read, the evening winds down. By 8:30, children begin to drift off to dreamland. The big kids settle down around 10:00.
10:05pm--Dad is already asleep. Organizer Mom is packing lunchboxes, checking backpacks, doing laundry and dishes, reviewing the next day's schedule.
10:30pm--Tired Mom is slipping into a coma...dreaming of the next day's painting project...wondering why we thought we needed a 6 bedroom house with 3 floors.
4:00am--Painter Mom is awake, wondering if it's too early to slip over to The House and paint another closet before the kids need to get up for school. Sigh.

Are there 12 step programs for Painter Moms? Is there an end to The House's seemingly insatiable need to drink up gallon after gallon of paint? (The children are beginning to suspect that The House is haunted...perhaps by a demon who thirsts for Latex?) Will neglected family and friends forgive Social Director/Blogger Mom's lapse in communication in the past few weeks? Will the other Mom personas (not to mention the kids and spouse) survive until the nightmare is over? Stay tuned...pictures soon.

Progress

Summer is drawing to a close; four of our five kids started school last week and our youngest (still in elementary school) will start just after Labor Day. We've been dividing our time between end of summer fun, painting and renovations at our new house, back-to-school shopping, and settling into a routine for the new school year. We have a buyer for our current house and are set to close on September 30 which is a great comfort in this tough housing market. It means that soon we'll be able to access the equity in this house to pay for the necessary repairs and upgrades at the new one. In the interim, we're throwing all our extra money and plastic at plumbers, electricians, flooring guys, replacement window folks, and kitchen renovators. The people at Home Depot now remember us and greet us as old friends, referring to us as "regulars" these days.

We're also working as a team; the kids helped us clean and paint the basement so it no longer resembles a dungeon. Here's the before shot, complete with hanging wires, decades of dirt, and large spiders.

Here's our basement after power washing, wire removal, new lighting and the family painting party. We even managed to have some fun in the process.

A little at a time...soon this space will house a playroom with a couch, a large TV, and all the kids' videogame toys. There will also be a workshop for Dad, storage space, and a laundry room. Our new front-loading steam washer and dryer will be delivered in a couple of weeks. Fortunately, the space now almost meets my specifications on the reduced basement creepiness factor to permit me to actually do laundry down here...and you should see my wonderful old soapstone utility sink! It's original to the house so it qualifies as an antique; it was gross and disgusting before Craig attacked it with a putty knife and cleansers, digging up layers of sludge and grime. Now it's clean and tricked out with a new faucet compliments of our wonderful plumber, the same guy who removed our 1950's leaking hot water heater and installed a spiffy new hybrid continuous hot water system that hangs on the wall.

Don't get me started on the kitchen renovation we just contracted for...I'll start weeping with joy. Then there are the new windows, the carpet for the stairs, the wallpapering and painting, the rewiring and new lighting...it's all happening in the next month or so. Now that's progress!

Happy 15th. B-day, Kate!

Yes, it's true...the girl for whom this blog is named turned 15 at 8:14 am today. She's now a sophomore in high school who is beginning to talk about college applications and driving a car in the not too distant future. Eeek!! Where have the years gone?

We'll celebrate here at home with a cooked to order birthday dinner, cake and gifts. The diva has requested sirloins wrapped in bacon, roasted potatoes, and zucchini with parmesan...no more hot dogs for this girl! She really is growing up.

We love you sweetie...enjoy your day.

Love, Mom and Dad