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Saturday, October 15, 2016


I waited until 11pm because that's what I had promised you. I wasn't really surprised when you didn't come home...again. You haven't spent a night at home in a while. It seems that sleeping in your car (or who knows where) is better than being here. Wasn't surprised when you didn't text me your plans. Avoiding communication is par for the course for you lately.

Earlier today, you asked me if we could go back to the way it used to be...and my answer was no. Crystal clear answer to me but it seemed like a surprise to you. Not quite sure why since to be honest, "the way it used to be" has basically sucked for a while now. It broke my heart to tell you no because you're my son and my instinct is to try to keep you safe. You don't know how much I wish I could turn back the hands of time and make this better! Sadly, between your abuse of drugs and alcohol, your anger and emotional abuse, and your refusal to get help, having you here means the rest of the family is at risk. As much as I love you, I can't allow you to stay here until you're ready to get therapy and medication. I hate this...but I will always love you. My son is still in there somewhere. I refuse to give up on you!

I've packed your clothes, stripped your bed, shed more than a few tears as I've reminisced about the years I've been privileged to be your mom. I'm ready to let your 21 year old self go, not because I don't love you but because I do. It's time to fly from the nest...I hope you will find your way in the world safely. Please don't forget where home is...we'll be here if you need us.

With all my love,

Friday, March 11, 2016

Mom's manifesto


Raising kids is never easy. Raising young adults is harder still. All but gone are the cute and cuddly times; hugs and heartfelt talks are in short supply, too frequently replaced by angst and eye rolling. As a mom to 5 teens/young adults, I am often accused of not loving enough, not trusting enough, not caring enough, not understanding enough. Stumbled upon this quote that clarifies my position nicely! The author is unknown...too bad because I'd love to have coffee with her. 

My promise to my children: for as long as I live, I will always be your parent first, and your friend second. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare, and hunt you down like a bloodhound when I have to, because I love you. When you understand that, I will know you have become a responsible adult. You will never find anyone else in your life who loves, prays, cares, and worries about you more than I do. If you don't mutter under your breath ''I hate you'' at least once in your life, I am not doing my job properly.

 Unknown quotes  | added by: Guardian


Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Sometimes, life overtakes us.

     We get caught up in the day to day, moving from one bullet point to the next on an endless To Do list. In the process of trying to be efficient,  it's easy to lose out on many of the joys of life. Then one day, you look up and realize how much time has passed. Forgive me, blogspot, for I have committed the sin of neglect;  it has been months since my last post.
     Why? Where have we been?  Simple...raising 5 teenagers,  running a household, working more hours than we should. In other words, nose to the grindstone,  duty calling, forgetting to put on our own oxygen mask first during times of turbulence. We need to rethink that mentality .
     For me, this blog has always been therapy, a way to help me celebrate, process, and chronicle our journey as a family.  In the last several months, as our teenagers are transitioning to young adulthood,  it felt at times like writing about them would be a violation of their privacy. To be honest, the road to independence is a bumpy one. As our kids strive to define themselves as adults, there are less heartwarming family bonding moments to chronicle and lots more challenging moments we'd rather not record for posterity. Don't get me wrong, we love our kids madly but snarky angst isn't all that therapeutic or fun to share with the world, is it? Not to mention our aforementioned crazy busy life...hence the hiatus from blogging.
   It's time for a change. I'm still Alphamama but my pack of wolf pups have grown into 5 wonderful, maddening, snarky, changeable young adults between 18-20 years old. Two are negotating college/work pursuits. One is poised on the brink, ready to graduate high school and enter college in a few short months. Two still have a couple years of high school left but are testing the waters of first jobs and are thinking of the future.  They're all still under our roof, all with one foot planted in childhood and the other in adulthood. It's a different kind of adventure for all of us.
     Here's my new perspective.  It's time to return to my blogging as therapy, not just as Alphamama to my young pack but as Dee, wife of my DH, and a person who has a name. Let this serve as notice... this blog's not just about you any more, puppies! Let the therapy begin...